What I have learned... so far

1. The older I get, the more conservative I have become.

2. The older I get, I have learned to appreciate life and beauty more and more

3. I have learned to speak with GOD, and I feel we have mutual respect for one another.

4. I have learned to listen to people and I have mastered the art of the conversation and I do use this to my advantage... though many times my intentions may not be noble ones... but I am working to improve that part of me.

5. Getting women has gotten easier - (see #4) keeping them is an entirely different story. I have an idea of what it is that I want and what I don’t want in a woman... and I am not going to settle for anything else... I just wont... so... if I have to go through so many women looking for the one... it’s just something I’m going to have to do... poor me....

6. There are very few people you can rely on. I have given my loyalty and my friendship away to many whom did not deserve it only to be left out in the cold alone with a knife in my back... I trust no one really... and I can count my friends with two fingers. I keep my secrets to myself and never tell anyone the truth of my life... in fact if you were to gather everyone that I have ever known throughout my life and brought them together to speak about me... you would get entirely different stories and you still wouldn’t know the truth...

7. Only I know what will make me happy. So chase your dream no matter what the cost. If you have to leave your friends behind... leave them behind. If it means disappointing your family... disappoint them.... leave everyone behind who says you're crazy and that it will never happen for you... leave everyone behind that does not have faith in you and will not support your dreams and goals and ambitions... leave them all behind... you’ll meet others along the way to reaching your dreams... far more interesting and exciting people... and maybe one or two of them may just turn out to be the greatest friends you will ever make.

8. My enemies are not those that hate me for my freedom... my enemies are those who are taking my freedom away... I know that one day I will be hunted down and persecuted for wanting to live the life of a free man... I will live free or die...

9. John Lennon was right - all we need is love.

10. I do not give my faith or my money to religions. There is not a religion in the world that has yet to ease the suffering of the poor and the needy... religion has managed to separate the world and cause much pain and suffering in the name of their gods... men, women, and children all forced to suffer and die for their religion... or killed by a religion.... but they all boast that they are the one true faith and that God is on their side but they have not eased the suffering of the poor and the needy and the hungry of the world...

11. I put my faith in no government. Only I can provide for my own safety. Only I can provide my own financial security. Only I can assure my own privacy. Only I can keep myself safe and free... Governments rais taxes and pass laws that take away freedoms instead of solving problems... and their answer to solve a problem is usually worse than the original problem... Governments start wars and justify them with lies and pay for them with borrowed money and the blood of the poor and uneducated and faithfully blind... I will not pick up a gun and go to fight a war in another country that has nothing to do with me... let the politicians and bureaucrats slug it out with each other... leave me out of it... It is against the laws of my GOD to take another life... but don’t push me... The world is big enough for all of us. If we would all just be polite and courteous to one another and treat people the way we would like people to treat us - the world would not be in such a mess. If we would all just respect each other and mind our own business and think for our selves instead of letting religions and governments tell us how we should think then the world would be a better and safer place to live in .

12. John also said “give peace a chance”
Give it chance - what do we have to lose.... what the FUCK do we have to lose?!?

Do you want peace bad enough that you will demand it with a clenched fist in the air in front of the men and women elected to represent you and say to them - Stop fighting! Stop killing! Stop spending money we do not have! Stop and listen to us! WE WANT PEACE!!!

I do not know why people that demonstrate for peace are always treated like criminals... I do not know why people that work for peace are not protected and praised and held in the highest regards by the governments of the world... but instead are left to die at the hands of assassins...
Ghandi... Martin Luther King Jr.... John Lennon... I haven’t learned the reasons why yet... maybe... the world just doesn’t want peace bad enough...

13. I have learned that beauty is everywhere in everyone... and everyone has something beautiful to contribute to the world... but not everyone knows that they do...

14. Once you know what money is... and once you have defined success... and once you know what it is that you truly want... then making money and finding success and getting the things that you want will become much easier.

15. Love is the only thing worth living for... and sometimes dying for

maybe this Christmas...

maybe this Christmas under my tree

I'll find the letters she never sent to me

and she'll tell me all the reasons she couldn't tell me before

and maybe this Christmas I wont wonder why any more

maybe this Christmas snow just might fall

and I might find the courage to make that telephone call

and I just might tell her the things I never did say

and maybe this Christmas things just might go my way

maybe this Christmas under twinkling lights

I'll find a sweet angel to get me through this night

she'll cover me with kisses that will help me forget

I've gathered up all the miseltoe but haven't hung it up yet

maybe this Christmas when the candles have gone out

I'll run away where I'll never be found

where Christmas wishes come true for everyone

and maybe this christmas my ramblin' days will be done

A Christmas poem

I’m not in Paris where I thought I’d be
I’m not in Mexico City where they wait for me
I’m not with the one who haunts me in my dreams
Happy Christmas - alone I sing
Rome is still waiting but she’s drifting out of sight
And Buenos Aires will be there until New Years night
Birmingham and London are just memories - that’s all
At a lounge in Chicago I wait for the snow to fall

I’m not in Hong Kong - there’s no one there I know
I’m not in Tokyo - I want to see the neon glow
I wish I could trade this ticket for a one way flight back home
Seems all my "winter kisses" list have left me all alone
Rome is still waiting but she wont wait for long
Paris and Buenos Aires are singing the same song
The same time next year I’ll end up where I don’t belong
Seems that every Christmas I always get it wrong...

The Lost Boys

The lost boys get here ‘round midnight
With ragged hearts and broken wings
Striking poses for all the bad girls
Like angels from Italian magazines
Lost boys make bad heroes
They buy their whiskey with their charm
In the morning they’re still hoping
They wake up in a strangers arms
Lost boys make bitter soldiers
Their scars are medals they try to hide
It’s a strange tango when they find you
Love is useless in their eyes
Lost boys will not find heaven
Until they stop chasing broken hearts
They’re splendid lovers - but that’s all they’re good for
In this opera they know how to play their part...

Lost boys get here ‘round midnight
With ragged hearts and broken wings

When a vampire falls in love - the film

For Elizabeth Stelling,

with much love... thank you.

Just like Marlon Brando...

I walked into the room
Just like Marlon Brando
But I fell too hard too soon
When she caught my eye
I made my way across the floor
Just like Marlon Brando
As the crowd cried out for more
My dreams of her came into light

I tried to win her heart
With my best Marlon Brando
I was too caught up in my part
To see she was playing her own game
Now I'll never be the same
Just like Marlon Brando
...In the pouring rain -
crying out her name

Kiss me in Spanish...

Kiss me in Spanish
Touch me in Portuguese
Love me in Italian
And bring me to my knees
Whisper my name softly
Hold me to your breast
Calm my restless heart
And lay me down to rest

Look at me with your Mayan eyes
Tickle me with your silky China hair
Take me to your holy paradise
And forever keep me there
Whisper my name softly
Hold me close to your heart
Shower me with your kiss - I only know this...
I’m lost at sea and you’re my only star

...and winter came...

The leaves turned to gold
My life to shades of silver
The wind blew cold
My heart felt a shiver

The sky turned grey
And my dreams drowned in it
All the birds flew away
And with them left my spirit

The sun lost it’s glow
And I surrendered to winter
The city was buried in snow
And my soul buried with her

Sea-fever

I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by,
And the wheel's kick and the wind's song and the white sails shaking,
And a grey mist on the sea's face and a grey dawn breaking.

I must down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide
Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied;
And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,
And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

I must down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,
To the gull's way and the whale's way where the wind's like a whetted knife;
And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,
And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick's over

John Masefield
(1878 - 1967)

This ain't no love song

I’m running out o f reasons and I’m running out of time
I’m running out of love songs designed to make you mine
I’m running out of seasons and I’m running out of fire
I’m running out of trinkets bought to spark your desire

I’m running out diamonds and I’m running out of gold
I’m running out of sunlight and my nights are turning cold
I’m running out of whispers to seduce you in the dark
I’m running out of flowers to steal from the garden in the park

I’m running out of patience and I’m running out of steam
I’m running out of motivation - If you know what I mean
I’m running out of inspiration - so before I lose my mind
I’m running out on you forever - I’m leaving you behind...

Blue...

The night is getting too long
And you're so far away
Your voice is all I need
It doesn’t matter what you say
The radio doesn’t play what I want
The telephone doesn’t make a sound
My heart pounds like thunder in the desert
And you’re nowhere to be found

I spend these long hours
Arranging pictures on a wall
Looking out the window
Waiting for the rain to fall
And I know on the other side of the ocean
Is where I should be
My heart melts like a cloud rolls of a mountain
And you’re not here with me...

Faces in the mirror - II

Her skin is gold like the desert sand
She holds the dreams of the world
In the hollow of her hands
Her voice reminds me
Of the wind through the leaves
Her tears flow like rivers in to the sea
And her eyes don’t know... they glow like Heaven

Faces in the mirror

I’ve been lost in eyes I could have died in
I’ve been in arms I could have been true in
There have been lips I’ve kissed
That made me think love does exist...
And soft gentle voices that made me think I was in Heaven.

So many words...

So many words ring out like bells
How do I use them - I don’t spell so well
I just rearrange them in the stories I tell...
So many words ring out like bells...

So many words floating in the night
how do I use them - I don’t know how to write
Still I must seduce them all before the morning light...
So many words floating in the night...

So many words calling out to me
Like kisses of the lovers in my fantasy
I chase them to the cliffs of my sanity...
So many words calling out to me...

So many words I still can’t find
Like the whispers that echo in my mind
From the voice of the one I had to leave behind...
So many words I still can’t find

Magic

Have you ever seen the shadow of Orion
Melt into the colors of the sea
Have you ever fallen in love
And the fall felt like eternity
Have you ever seen a blue moon turn gold
Through the winter rain
Has it ever felt so good
That it caused you so much pain
Can you feel the fire burning
Hotter than the sun
Raging in my heart
That keeps me holding on...
To every kiss you ever gave
And the ones you hid from me
Every heart beat that you stole
And every dream that you sat free

Give me all your tears
And I’ll turn them into wine
Give me all your secrets
And I’ll give you all of mine
Tell me of all the dreams you lost
And I’ll make them come true
And everything that I’ll ever write
I’ll only write fo you
Can you feel the fire burning
Hotter than the sun
Raging in my heart
that keeps me holding on...
To every whisper that still lingers
And the glow you left behind
I can go around the world
But I know I’ll never find...
A magic like that again...

If it's not love

(I wont walk a thousand miles for you)
an unfinished rock ballad

If it’s not love I came here for
I’ll leave my heart there on the floor
With all the letters I will not send
I’ll just live and pretend - that I don’t love you
If it’s not love I’m looking for
I’ll lose myself in the night once more
I wont finish this song - I’ll let it fade away
And all the dreams I had - I’ll let them go in vain and I wont...
Walk a thousand miles for you
And all the things I said I’d do
I wont jump from the highest mountain
Steal the stars out of the sky
I wont run across the ocean
To die inside your eyes...

If it’s not love you want from me
Then why don’t you set me free
Unlock the chains of my heart - take this curse out of my mind
Lead me to your Heaven or leave me far behind
If it’s not love I feel for you
Don’t let me do the things I do
Don’t let me finish this song - I’ll let it fade away
And all those midnight promises - I’ll let them go in vain and I wont...
Ever break my heart for you
We’ll never know if this love is true
I wont turn your tears to diamonds
And turn the night to gold
Trade my soul to devil
To make you mine to hold...

I look for your smile

I look for your smile down empty hallways
I listen for your laugh in unlit rooms
Your smile I have drawn on walls and restaurant cloth napkins
But still I am nowhere closer to you

I’ll never have so much money that it will buy me glory
I’ll never have so much fame that all the world would know my name
But if it would make you happy to dance in a palace ballroom,
surrounded by kings and queens
I’ll steal my fortune and borrow someone else’s fame

If fifteen minutes is all it takes to make our mark on time
I’ll give you thirty with the fifteen that were mine
And when I am forgotten and no one remembers who I was
Would you try to save the me I left behind in words

Do you believe in true love?

Do you believe in true love
Is it worth waiting for
Have you ever had love
And still wanted more
I never thought that I could
Feel this way again
I don’t think I can hide it
I don’t think I can pretend
But had I known the words I write
Would ever reach your soul
I would have waited
To see this book unfold

Do you believe in Heaven
And salvation for us all
I’m glad that it was you
Who helped me break the fall
Don’t know if I’ll ever tell you
I don’t know if I should
And if I ever found the words
I don’t know if I could

Do you believe in Karma
Do you believe in fate
Can you find the one you need
After it’s too late
Is there a way of knowing
The things I feel are true
Is there a way of knowing
It’s really all for you

Do you believe in magic
And wishing on a star
I have always wondered
Where and who you are
And all the words I squandered
In the twilight blue
Are best left forgotten
I’ve saved better ones for you

Do you believe in true love
Does it just happen one time
I’ll forsake the ghost I cling to
Just to make you mine
And though I am frightened
to give myself to you
I’m ready for the heart ache
That you’ll put me through
I’m willing to give you
All I’ve got left to give
If you keep the fire inside me burning
That I need to live

Do you believe in true love
Do you believe in me
Do you think I could be
The only one you need
Because my heart beats in strange rhythms
When I’m close to you
And the words I thought I’d never say again
Have turn my dreams to gold from blue
And if I never get to tell you
What’s so hard for me to show
you have given me more
Than you’ll ever know

...Do you believe in true love...

How do you do it?

I don’t want to write another love song
About you so far away
I don’t want to put my life in these lines
And my broken heart on display
Because I don’t have your eyes to look at me
I don’t have your smile to keep me strong
I don’t have the courage and the strength I need
For me to carry on

I wish I could jump on that train
Passing through the night
Tomorrow I’d be in another place
With another life
Because I don’t have your arms to hold me
When my world is upside down
And I don’t have your light to guide me
When an angel can’t be found

You must be a diamond...

You shine brighter than the stars at night
Like the glow from an angels eye...
Your laugh is stronger than a lions roar
Your presence felt like a thunder storm...
You must be a diamond

You’ve got the world under your spell
Clinging to every word and the stories you tell
Somehow you knew I was watching everything you do
And you turn to tell me...
I must be a diamond too

You shine brighter than the moon at night
Soaring higher than an eagle in flight...
Your words move mountains, your will could bend steal
You unfold desire and dreams become real...
You must be a diamond

You hold the dreams of the world in your hand
Some kind of magic I want to understand
Somehow you knew I want to be just like you
And you turn to tell me...
I was born to be a diamond too

When a vampire falls in love

How many hearts have you broken
How many tears have you caused tonight
How many dreams have you stolen
As you were running from the light
How many whispers have you silenced
With the look of fire in your eyes
How many shadows have you danced with
In a masquerade of lies
Do you believe angels fall from Heaven
Do you believe the devil can be kind
Do you believe a curse can be broken
Then a vampire can fall in love

Can you hear the heart of the moon beating
Over the thundering echo of the stars
Is the center of your soul still bleeding
Are you still trying to hide your scars
How many oceans of time have you crossed
Looking for a place to hide
How can you run for ever
If true love never dies
Sometimes an angel falls from Heaven
Sometimes the devil can be kind
Sometimes a gypsies curse is broken
And a vampire falls in love

Do you remember the promise that you made her
And a vow that will always last
But even the night doesn’t last for ever
And you're lost between tomorrow and the past
You cannot escape what you shared with each other
So do not regret your dreams not coming true
If you should ever find a new lover
You just might be saved too
Because even an angel falls from Heaven
Even the devil can be kind
Even the darkest curse is broken
When a vampire falls in love...

HERO

I could not stop a speeding car
I could not catch a falling star
I don’t even know where you are
Am I losing you?
I could not save the world today
Or find the right words to say
Or the song to play to make you want to stay
Am I losing you

I could not stop a child from crying
Or save a dream from dying
And I wasn’t even trying
Because I’m losing you
I could not save the world tonight
Couldn’t get anything right
Even in my dreams you wont hold me tight
Because I’m losing you

I Tell You It's True

If I had wings I wouldn’t fly to Heaven
For Heaven for me is to be by your side
If I had to cross a thousand deserts
Your love would be the ocean in my mind
If there was just one wish I was granted
I’d wish you all the joy in the world
And if my soul has to live another life time
I’d come back as an oyster if you’d come back as my pearl

If the world was destroyed by demons and angels
And all that we know falls apart
I’d make you the queen of my own chaos
To rule in the empire of my heart
If there’s ever to much sorrow for you to swallow
I’ll give you my laughter and I’ll eat your pain
If I ever find Razziel’s book of magic
You’ll be a valley of orchids and I’ll be the rain

The Chihuahua Charlie's Song

I wont write you another love song
I think it’s time that I moved on
Hope you found someone to run to
Hope your demons have all gone
I spend my nights dreaming of Paris
And the one that got away
Because I was still clinging to your lips
And the love we never made
All the times I never held you
All the things we never said
All the dreams that did not come true
Our nights of battle in my bed

Well I got drunk and wrote some love songs
That I never sent to you
But I hope you’re doing all right
Hope you found a new dream or two
Someone said that you looked happy
In the arms of your new friend
And my life is just a rumor
That I’ve got plenty of love to lend
But all the hands that reach out to hold me
All the lips that are touching mine
Aren’t as soft as the ones in my dreams
The ones I had to leave behind
And all the smiles that steal a heart beat
All the pretty girls I make cry
Don’t have the seas of Heaven in their eyes
Like the ones where I want to die

No, this is not another love song
I didn’t give it all I’ve got
It’s still hard for me to be strong
But Johnny Walker helps a lot
And all the girls at Chihuahua Charlie’s
Don’t know what I feel inside
But they can get me through the evening
As long as my heart has a place to hide
But they can’t stop my soul from melting
Or turn my blood to gold
Stop the seas from raging
Or bring back the dreams you stole
They can’t even get me to Paris
For the salvation that I need
Or at least tell me all the right lies
That will have the rest of me freed

I wont write you another love song
At least not till tomorrow night...

Watching you walk away...

I’m going to miss the smell of your hair
and your fingers on my chest
I’m going to miss your breath on my neck
and the comfort of your breast
I’m going to miss the conversations you have
when you think I’m asleep
And I’m going to miss the way you try to crack the code
of the secrets that I keep

I’m going to miss your kisses
and the seduction in your eyes
I’m going to miss the small of your back
and the valley of your thighs
I’m going to miss the whispers
that you pour like honey into my ears
And the taste of salt and passion
that I have drank from all your tears

I’m going to miss the moments of silence
before the sun arrives
I’m going to miss the way you recite your schedule
like well planned alibis
I’m going to miss the way you hesitate
when it’s time for you to go
And I’m going to miss the contours of your face
in the early morning glow

I’m going to miss the insecurity in your voice
when you say good bye
I’m going to miss the way you smile
when I ask you if you’re mine
I’m going to miss you every moment of the day
but honey most of all I’m going to miss...
watching you walk away...

Heart Breaker

Heart breaker you’re more than I ‘d hoped you would be
You’ve stolen my dreams, shattered my reality
Heart breaker you’re more than I could desire
Cooled by your kisses, drowned by your fire
And when you go - I know you’ll never return
Taking my soul and the lesson I’ll never learn
And after you’re gone - I’ll be under your spell for ever
Lost in the curse of the heart breaker...

Heart breaker you’ve shown me what Heaven could be
From both sides of the coin, from slavery to a king
Heart breaker you’re everything I’ve been looking for
When you break my heart I’ll be waiting around for more
And when you go - I know you’ll only forget me

Leaving me to drown in a poisoned memory
And after you’ve gone - I’ll be under your spell forever
Lost in the kiss of the heart breaker...

Mystery Girl

In dreams voices linger... faint whispers of conversations we over heard in a crowded train or coffee house - words that make no sense that we spend days and weeks trying to decipher but only ended up running circles in our minds when we end up trying to match a face to the voice that spoke the words - those words that must have a meaning... they must... for why else would they end up in our dreams.

In dreams faces come and go... a flash of a smile, a glow in a strangers eye, a girl with red ribbons in her hair... the man with the handle bar mustache... who are these people? Players in some midnight opera that inspire and torment the main characters... they enter stage right and disappear behind the paper background... they sit behind you on a bus... they stand in front of you at the post office... they run past you at the park... they fade away at the end of the aria... strangers without names... voices without faces... whispers without words... they linger... in the back of our minds they linger... and come and go as they please... in and out of our lives... in and out of our dreams....

She came into my life a little over ten years ago. There were no formal introductions, no "hello, it’s nice to meet you", no slow seduction.... she came to me on a long taxi ride home on a rainy morning at summers end, 1996, and she has been with me ever since. She has been a muse of sorts and she has been a strange kind of angel sitting on my shoulder whispering to me in sweet delicate tones comprised of the voices of lovers I let go too soon. She has been in many ways my conscience... my guide... my inspiration, and at times... my only friend. She has been a demon tormenting my dreams and tearing at my soul... she has been all that is good in me and all that is bad... she dragged me into the abyss and has led me to the light... through the good times and the hard times she has been with me... at my side all these ten long years.

Is she an angel... an echo from a past life... I never really wanted to know. I never really wanted to know if she was ever real or if I was just losing my mind... what’s left of it... but I always hoped - just a little - that one day... she would be there in a crowd... and like old friends we would smile at each other never saying a word... just a smile... and I would know... I’ll catch up to her later... I have literally drawn her around the world... well... figures of her... each and everyone slightly different than the one before... but all those drawings are pretty much the same... the eyes change and the smile changes - as I can never really get a good look at her face - in my dreams... but her position has always remained the same... she sits on the floor with one knee up in front of her with her arms crossed or with one hand under her chin... she is always in a black shirt and wearing blue jeans - I think... and the boots... strange looking boots that I can never seem to get right... I have drawn her face on napkins and walls and in notebooks across the country... I have left her image behind in airport lounges around the world and on hotel stationary in lobbies and bars from Chicago to Hong Kong... but I have never known her name. I have made her every woman I have ever had and every woman that I want. I have made her the standard by which all women that have come into my life in the last ten years have been judged by... and I do not know the color of her eyes... I do not know the feel of her fingers raking my chest... I do not know the smell of her skin... and the taste of her lips... but she has always been there... always in my head... always in my bed...

She broke my heart today... the one woman I never thought ever would... did... It had to happen sooner or later... eventually she would grow tired of my self centered, brooding artist, lonely bachelor ways... perhaps she felt it was time for me to know the truth of our relationship... maybe it is time for me to be on my own... she of course has always been the wiser of the two of us... so her judgement I must trust... she broke my heart... I don’t think I am ready to let her go... not just yet... give me one more night... Mystery Girl... give me one more night...

While lurking in the back ground of a certain forum that has been occupying much of my nights lately I found myself caught up in a discussion concerning certain women from ones past and mutual acquaintances... some how the conversation turned to the Mystery Girl... some one asked if I was in the fashion industry - I replied no... some one asked if I was in advertising - I replied at one time... some one asked if I wanted to meet the Mystery Girl - I replied it might be nice... and then that person posted her picture on the forum... and there she was... breaking my heart... for quite a while all I could do was laugh... was I relieved that I was not losing my mind... was I laughing the laugh of the damned... It is strange the things the mind chooses to hold on to... it still does not make any sense to me and I will probably be spending the next few days trying to unravel this mystery of the mind... then again... in some strange way... it all seems perfect and totally natural to my life...

Christy Turlington... the Mystery Girl

"Mediterraneo"

best listened to with earphones and the volume low.

West-Texas Love Song

When she’s in L.A. I’m in Dallas
When she’s in New York I’m in San Antone
When she’s in Paris I’m on my way back home
Under the moon in a West Texas love song
And I’ll keep driving all night until I reach Sun City
And I could keep driving straight into Juarez
And I could take this heart of mine and drown it in Dos Equis
Or I could give it to the first girl that says yes

And I don’t know where she is now
But I wish we were together
This lonely road can’t take her off my mind
I know that I will love her forever
Though I should let her go - I can’t leave her kiss behind
I want to chase the sun over Mount Franklin
I want to see the arms of Cristo Rey
Nobody knows the kind of state I’m in
I’m leaving it to fate - to get me through the day

When she’s in L.A. I’m in Dallas
When she’s in New York I’m in San Antone
When she’s in Milan I’m on my way back home
Under the moon in a West Texas love song
And I’ll keep driving all night until I reach my senses
And I’ll keep driving straight to the Pearly Gates
I’ll be with Jose Cuervo ‘till I find out what true love is
For a man like me I hope it’s not to late

"How to live out of a ruck sack" - a traveler's guide to packing

this is a re post from the old Deringer Files - because it is summer and many of us are hitting the road.

Since I was a boy the idea of running away has always appealed to me, something about life on the road and unexpected adventures around the bend still calls out to me like the lines from a Kerouac journal.When I was young I had devised a plan to run away and join the circus, that never happened only because I had too many things I wanted to take with me, things I could not live without, mainly, my record collection. How was I going to hit the road lugging my record collection everywhere? I was a kid and couldn't even drive yet. My plan needed re-working. Well, twenty six years later, I've learned to pack light and thanks to the wonders of modern technology, in the form of digital music, I can even take along my record collection. I have run away several times as an adult and I am quite fond of the weekend get away, and I am always prepared and eager for a weekend jaunt to turn into a two or three week stint - the secret is all in the packing. Experienced travelers and adventurers will agree - take only what you require, only essentials. Take with you only what you can carry on your back I have learned, after years of running away and weekend trips, to pack the same way for a trip that may last a week or a few months and I carry only one bag, my ruck sack, sometimes, I may also take along my computer which will require me to take along my messengers bag. I hate traveling with my computer and only do so if I need to get some work done, but still, every now and then I will take my messenger bag - they are great for day trips and to store food and snacks and assorted gifts and novelties one might purchase or acquire on a journey, plus it's good for totting my sketch book, journal, pencils, and colors. For my own convenience and sense of style I abandoned the suit case, that bulgy plastic square Samsonite for a much more luxurious leather ruck sack with the look and smell of days from another time, and just slinging it over my shoulder makes me feel like an explorer of the world when it was still young, each and every time. Perhaps the biggest advantages of packing light, that is, traveling with one bag which you can carry on your back, is mobility. If you have ever traveled with a tour group or perhaps even on your own, you know that you will quite often find yourself having to carry your own luggage from one place to another, and these would be the times you wished you had packed light - regardless of the new convenient roll away luggage you may have purchased. Mobility is the name of the traveling game. You can take your back pack with you virtually everywhere and not have to worry about standing watch over it at airports, bus terminals, and train stations, and if you are passing through a town by train or bus and you want to explore the sight for one day, you can rent a locker and stuff your bag into it or tote it along with you, either way - you will not have to worry about your belongings. So, just how does one gain the mobility of traveling light on a journey that may last as short as three days and as long as three months? First we must keep in mind the place (and places) to be visited, what are your plans, why are you going, and what will the weather be like? If your plans are simply to go away for a few days and relax and perhaps do some sight seeing, then your wardrobe will be casual. However, if you are traveling on business, pack a couple of extra neck ties and wrinkle free shirts, and learn to coordinate your wardrobe accordingly. A great book to help you to coordinate your suits and wardrobe is "Chic Simple - Clothes" by Kim Johnson Gross and Jeff Stone, and do keep in mind the "simple" part, simple clothing for simple, easy traveling. Should you be traveling in the summer, pack a pair of shorts and light weight pants, cotton and linen are great and easy maintenance. Take along a good pair of walking shoes and breathable shirts. For travels in the fall or winter seasons, pack sweaters, I prefer dark colored turtle necks, wool socks, gloves and warm underwear, and regardless of the season, take along a blazer and a scarf, one must always be conscience of ones appearance for you never know where you will you find yourself.

WHAT TO PACK:(for the best mobility keep your bag under twenty pounds) 2 pants (with the pair you are wearing gives you three), 2 short sleeved shirts or T-shirts, 2 long sleeved shirts (wrinkle free), 1 dark sweater, 1 wind breaker or denim jacket, 4 sets of underwear and socks, 1 tie, 1 scarf. For winter traveling include: warm underwear, gloves or mittens,heavy jacket or coat, dark sweaters,extra socks.

BASIC TOILETRY KIT:(in small bottles) soap, shampoo, conditioner, lotion,comb, brush, tooth brush, paste, floss, chap stick, shaving cream or soap,razor, grooming kit, Swiss army survival knife, *vitamins/supplements, aspirin, pain killers, alka seltzer, cold and flue pills,anti bacteria cream, small first aid kit, small sewing kit.

MY PRE-TRAVEL CHECK LIST: Clothing, pen, toiletry kit, photos of family, first aid kit, post cards from home, sewing kit, book to read, sketch book, money belt, pencils, colors, inks, guide book, journal, trains and bus schedules, camera, language dictionary (for what ever country you may be in) i-pod adaptors, address book, maps*

It has been a while since I have ventured to travel by plane, make sure to call your airline representative to be sure if these items will be allowed to carry on, or perhaps make arrangements for them to be checked on board for you. Now you should be set to travel like a foot lose gypsy. For some, this kind of ruck sack travel might take some getting used to, especially if you feel you can not do it, but once you have gone on your first full vacation trip like this, you will see there is no better way to travel, unless of course, you have your own yacht or jet and travel with an entourage to cater to your every desire. Packing light makes your journey much more carefree and convenient, yes, you may have to take some time to do a little washing as you go, but it is well worth it for the ease and mobility you will gain from it. Enjoy your travels and adventures wherever they may take you.

Lost

Wandering...

From room to room I'm left wandering

Chasing the echoes of the words you left behind

Looking for the phantom voice I cannot find

My heart is still breaking - my soul is melting slower than the snow

And on my chest and my fingers

Your perfume lingers.

Crazy...

It's 4:00 a.m. I must be crazy

Chasing the memories still blowing through my mind

Looking for the ghost of another time

If my heart could stop beating - the night's so defeating

Wish I could just let go

But on my chest and my fingers

Your perfume lingers...

Your perfume lingers...

"Freedom of Love"

as read by Brad Pitt...

"No es que muero de amor... muero de ti..."

and now the film...

Like the ones that came before...

Does his look make you feel like a child
Does his touch have your blood running wild
Do his words stir the foundations of your soul
Are the dreams that he gives you perfumed with gold...

Can his sighs melt the stars into rain
Do his lips start the fire or do the but out the flame
Does his kiss leave you wanting for more
Like the ones that came before...

Without Her

Without her voice
I’m like a pirate in the desert
Dreaming of the sea
Without her eyes
I’m like the devil
Wishing for a celestial dream
Without her touch
I'm a wale drowning in chaos
With no song to sing
Without her kiss
I’m a peasant in rags
That used to be a king

Icarus Rising

Card dealer read my fortune
Tea reader read my fate
A gypsy sang me a sad tune
The palm reader said it was to late
So tell me then how did I find you
How did I even get out of hell
Now what am I suppose to do
Once again I am under your spell

For you I would break into Heaven
And steal all the maps of time
And relive every life at the moment I lost you
When I should have been making you mine
I was Ulysses crossing the ocean
Quetzalcoatle’s shadow on the moon
I was Vincent Van Gogh fighting my emotions
I was Icarus rising for you

Last night I thought I heard you calling
Calling me through oceans of time
But I awoke to find it was only the echo
Of the whispers you left in my mind
So many words I left unspoken
Some nights the pain tears me apart
and all of the poems that no one ever wrote you
Are in a box hidden inside my heart

For you I would break into Heaven
And steal all the maps of time
And relive every life at the moment I lost you
When I should have been making you mine
I was Bolivar crossing the Orinoco
I found Eden in 1492
I was a lonely explorer lost in the Arctic
I was Icarus falling for you

Confessions of a mad poet

When I was a boy I wanted to be a sailor because my grandfather - my father’s father - was a man of the sea - and I always wanted to be like my father’s father... I, unfortunately, have become too much like my father. As I got a little older I wanted to become a journalist and then an architect and also a fashion designer. At one point in my life I had convinced myself that I wanted to be in the entertainment industry and for some reason I felt I belonged in advertising... well, when I got into advertising it took a while to realize this is not what I want to do... so I left to do what it is I really want to do... I tell people I am a graphic designer but I have not done anything of the sort for quite a while now... I am making money... and I am not suffering... and I think this will make me happy... if I could just be more like my grandfather.

Some time ago I abandoned my material possessions. I took a good look at my life and I did not like what I found - I did not like the person I had become and I knew that the things I had - actually had me... I wasn’t going to be like that... I wasn’t going to live like that. I did not need those things and I no longer wanted them... so out they went along with whomever I was when I had them.

My life has gone through many phases in search of happiness and the one thing that will complete me. I have filled my body with a wide variety of substances from cigarettes to liqueur and every herb and non-medically prescribed drug I could get my hands on... the reason... to forget... and to avoid... I have not been drunk in a while though I do have a drink from time to time. I have not had a cigarette in about two years - it made me sick and it had been about a year before that one that a had quit cold turkey... I think I have done pretty good in the not smoking part - as for the drugs I wont go near them - I have nothing against pot and people who chose to smoke it - that is your own business. I wont preach to people that use illegal drugs as I have used them myself and as no one told me to stop using and no one helped me to stop using... you make your own choices... right. I have never been into any rehab or joined any AA type groups - that is not for me... you’ve got to have some serious problems with in your self to not be able to solve your own problems.

I have searched for that missing link that would bring me closer to GOD in religion and in the occult. I have taken vows of blood and dedicated a good part of my life to the service of clandestine brotherhoods whom shall remain nameless but their secrecy and their ridiculous rituals left me, in the end, nowhere closer to the answers I was seeking, though, many questions were answered and my eyes opened to the truth of many things... my GOD and I remain strangers waiting to find each other.

Women... there have been many - I do not say that to be boastful but out of regret - and know that I regret very little in my life - regret that there has had to be so many in my search for the one... yes one... just one damn it! Why does it have to be so God damn hard to find the one?!?! - I know deep in my heart if I was a married man today that I would be a completely different man - with all those material possession that I have forsaken... because no woman that I have met yet could live without them... or at least... I have not met a woman yet that has not judged me by the things that I do not have... so, no woman has been able to stick around long enough to see the things that I do have - and that is my little secret. I have known many women that told me they longed for a life of adventure - but when offered the opportunity to leave their life and start anew in a different place - a place they have longed to see -"just leave everything behind... we’ll go tonight" - they all said no... all but one... they all said no...the only woman who did put that much faith in me came along at the wrong damn time... and I think of her often... and I hope she is happy. I keep looking for the one in the lips of all the ones that happen to land in my arms... I keep looking in the eyes of the ones who stay until the sun comes up... I keep looking.

I am not a rich man. I am a poor man with money - but I do not want a woman who simply wants me for the money that I may or may not have... she will have to have faith in me... that I will provide for her, that I will take care of her, that I will love her and desire her... and I will...

I'll find you someday...

In his dream he’s lying beside her
Outside the wind is blowing and the rain falls
Thunder crashes and again he’s lost her
As his taxi turns a corner and heads into the storm
He holds his heart to calm his soul
That cries in pain - that does not know
The promise that he made - I’ll find you someday...

In a sidewalk café in Buenos Aires
She reads the letter that she never sent
She hears a laugh that reminds her of him
And turns to see where her lover went
She closes her eyes to stop her tears
and starts to pray
She thinks of the night she went away
And the promise that he made - I’ll find you someday...

In a box under his bed he hides her letters
Something inside him will not let them go
He knows he will never be able to forget her
His heart beats slower than melting snow
He clings to his gin and tonic like he holds onto his life
But it slips and shatters - the last swallow cuts like a knife
Tearing through his soul
That cries in pain - that does not know
The promise that he made - I’ll find you someday...
 
art work by Pam Powell

Don't tell me you love me.

Don’t tell me you love me
That you want to be near me
Even if it’s true
Because I’m not who you think I am
I’m not that good of a man
I know that I’ll only hurt you

Don’t say that you need me
Don’t think you can free me
From all the ghosts I’m running from
Though your kisses are gentle
And your touch is essential
My heart is still o n the run

Don’t hold me pretending
That you are not waiting
For the words I’ll never say
Though your love’s sweet temptation
Might be my salvation
From all my scoundrel ways

...everything for you... that you are for me...

I’ll write you poems until my soul bleeds
I’ll draw you kisses until all of Heaven falls to its knees
I’ll give you love like you’ve never had before
When you say you need my touch
I’ll come running back to give you more...

I’ll fight all the Dragons that Heaven may send
Hold your heart so tender when it unmends
I’ll find the words that no man has ever said
Don’t you know by now
I would go where angels fear to tread...

I’ll break into Heaven if that’s what I have to do
If I ever run out of words to give to you
And I know that paper hearts are all I’ll leave behind
And a curse on anyone who makes you cry
Because those tears are mine...

What she said...

I think I mentioned, in these Deringer Files somewhere. that I don't speak with any women from my past - and the past could include yesterday, for some reason, that is just the way things turn out. A lot of that has to do with me - but getting into that conversation would drag on for ever and we would get nowhere... so... it is pointless to try to figure the reasons out. however, this leaves me in the dark about something I think of quite often - what do the women of my past think of me? There are many women that I left in better shape than when I found them, and equally as many that ended up in worse shape - but I have made it a rule and have always tried to leave them... shall we say... improved... I can't think of any other way to put it.

So because I don't speak to them and I am not out looking for any of them - I have no idea what they think of me now that we have nothing to do with eachother - but I always want to know - the good and the bad... so that I may too improve myself.

The following was written by the woman with whom I had my last "quasi-relationship" with. She posted it on the "Havana Club" Blog a few weeks into the relationship - I can't remember exactly when but I saved a copy of it before I shut that blog down and opened the Deringer Files here. The last time I spoke to her she wasn't too happy - and as you know the last time I saw her - I didn't speak to her... so we don't know how she feels now - but we know that she drops by to the Deringer Files from time to time... and we know how she felt then... I do miss her by the way - even though she made me nuts at times... she was lots of fun... and... nights are not the same without her.

He's laying there with his eye closed - he doesn't really sleep, he just lays there thinking a million thoughts all at once - making himself crazy trying to solve the problems of the world and sorting out poems for lovers who's names he says he can't remember and trying to hold back the demons of his childhood... and some where in the darkness of his mind is he thinking of a poem for me or is he trying to find his fathers voice...?

He keeps boxes of poetry that he has been writing since he was fourteen - more than half of them are still works in progress... you haven't read the really good stuff yet... his poetry makes me cry... wishing they had been written for me... but I am also praying that I don't end up just words in a note book of unfinished poems - whispers that linger... and kisses that ended too soon.

He's laying there and I can't help but think just how lazy this man really is - let me tell you - he said he wants to write a book on lounging or make a documentary on the art of taking it easy... maybe it's just me... and I have to constantly keep moving, but, he does help me to relax... I just wish I understood how he gets things done. For example - yesterday he turned in a brochure to a client - actually, he turned in five designed brochures laid out with copy for them to choose from, but he has not even mentioned that he had a client or that he was working on a project, so when did he have the time to put them all together since I have been taking up most of his time - hmm... Another great mystery about his man who claims to have nothing is that he can make money materialize from his pockets where there was previously none - that is a trick I would like to learn. Now, about his claims as to not owning anything - to be thirty nine years old and not to have accumulated anything? he has a small closet in his room that is filled with boxes and his clothing is well organized (according to color) and his T-shirts and sweaters nicely folded on the top shelf - I wish I could take a picture for you - but this is all that the man says is his. I personally do not buy this story, and if you new him personally you wouldn't either - there is just something in the way he carries himself and the way he talks and acts that lead me to believe that he is not as poor as he pretends to be... and he has many secrets. Sometimes he gets this grin on his face that is a give away that he is hiding something. It is a grin of a man that is very sure of himself. It is an evil grin - he knows something that the rest of the world doesn't know and he's not going to share it with any one... what could it be?

I have heard him say some very cruel things - he harbors many evil thoughts in him but he is a very kind man and he is very loyal and trustworthy to those he has chosen to give his loyalty and trust to - the rest of us are little people - outsiders, we are the poor unfortunate unenlightened slaves that he says we are and we deserve what we get - those are his words - you should also know that this man who wants to save the world is not politically correct - oh no.... he just figured out what I am doing... he says he is not politically correct because he is not a communist and it is a communist idea to make the peons feel equal and important...? plus he says it makes people sound stupid and has turned this country into a bunch of wimps.

The sun is up and I must get going... I will think of him all day... those lips... he is a great kisser... he knows just how much pressure to apply and how to tease me with his tongue and he knows how to touch me and how to hold me to make me feel wanted and desired and beautiful... and he knows how to caress my face and brush my hair to the side... he knows what to do and say to make me submit to him and he just melts me when he looks at me and doesn't say a word... he just looks at me with desire... and he also makes me lazy... but I must be going. I have to work for a living and can't just pull money out of thin air as he does...

He'll read this after I leave but he does not think I will post this... hee-hee...

Well... all I have to do is press publish, baby...

...Because I'll only break your heart

Baby don’t look at me with those eyes tonight
You don’t know what you do to me
And when you touch me like a curious child
You bring me to my knees
Baby don’t use that voice tonight
Don’t say the words I need to hear
And don’t hold me in your arms so tight
You make these demons disappear

Baby don’t look at me with those bedroom eyes
I feel like I’m under attack
And don’t take me to your paradise
No, I might not make it back
Don’t shower me with your love my dear
Your kisses fall on me like wine
If I could only let go of my fear
Then I would really make you mine

Up with the fire

How could you turn out to be so cruel
To leave me here waiting for you like a fool
I’m starting to think I was just a joke
And all of my dreams of you have gone up in smoke

How could you have taken the best part of me
And leave me here in sorrow for all eternity
I’m starting to think it was just a game
And all of my hopes of joy have gone up in flames

How could you do all the things that you did
And leave me in chaos where order once lived
I’m starting to think you were just a liar
And my visions of love went up with the fire

Give me more saxophone

Give me more saxophone
When I feel alone
When the night’s too long
And only a song
Can stop the thunder in my heart

Give me more symphony
When I need you next to me
When the city streets turn cold
And no dream I hold
Can stop the hurricane in my heart

Give me more saxophone
When you are gone
When the telephone doesn’t ring at all
And only a call
Can stop the volcanoes erupting in my heart

Give more Symphony
And less sympathy
When your letters don’t come on time
And only the songs when you were mine
Can stop the earthquakes in my heart

Love is blind...

To be with you tonight...

I would sail across an ocean of fire
Swim through the seas of desire
Ride the tides you inspire
To be with you tonight

I would run through a desert of broken glass
Crawl through the valleys of my past
Count every grain of sand for as long as forever may last
To be with you tonight

I would jump from star to star
Collect stolen halos in a jar
Trade them to the devil to find out where you are
To be with you tonight

Another lonely poem.

Another cigarette and maybe I’ll go
Another lonely poem, then maybe I’ll know
Why the angels in Heaven never hear my song
Why my heart does not feel like beating when you are gone
Why the stars above me do not shine as bright
And sweet rock and roll can’t even get me through the night
Another gin and tonic then maybe I’ll leave
Another love story then maybe I’ll believe
Somewhere across the ocean my dreams wait for me
Beyond some strange horizon are the things I’ve longed to see
Someday I’ll get it right and my dreams will all come true
And on a rainy night I’ll turn a corner and find you

Breathe - Inspired by something Isabel said

Breathe - to the rhythm of the water

Sway to the rocking of the sea

Dance with the ocean's daughter

Sail to the edge of your dream

Breathe - with every creature that surrounds you

Touch every leaf on every tree

Be every dream that did not come true

Live for every man that can't be free

Breathe - until there is no more tomorrow

Rise beyond every yesterday

Melt away every pain and sorrow

Now you are the sunlight - now you are the rain

Waiting for inspiration

It lingers in the back of my throat like wine waiting to seduce me and on the dunes of my lips it sits like traces of her lip gloss... and it happens so often I have made her my mistress and I hide her away from all the others that linger... all those great first lines... all those amazing titles waiting to be part of some epic novel... or at least some poem that will make her stay.
It comes floating in the air like a magical, whimsical gossamer... a conversation I over heard or a line from an article in a magazine... sometimes it comes from the incoherent mumbling of some beggar... perhaps trying to find the ending to his own rock opera. Those first lines always come so easy... but the rest of the story... the middle and the end... elude me. They haunt me and they taunt me... they crash against the walls in my mind like the waves hitting rocks on the shores of Malta and the spray of the water rises up in hues of gray to paint my evenings in black and white and shades of "what could be"... they haunt me... Like the whispers she left behind... calling to me from a dream... whispering the words she knows will bring me to my knees, the words that will have me crawling on my belling through the fires of my lust, the words I will devour with the hunger of a wolf and drink in like the nectar from Ponce De Leon’s fountain... they haunt me... like the ever present scent of Chanel that I can never wash off my clothing or my fingers... or the sheets on my bed... she’s always there waiting for me to find her... to charm her... to seduce her into my arms once more... but when I reach out to hold her she fades away like the ghosts of so many other lovers that never had the chance to know who I really was and what I was really looking for... and she fades away through the walls and wanders down the hall... taunting me... and I chase after her with promises that I know I will never keep, promises of eternal love and devotion and fidelity... I fall to my knees at the feet of her alter and offer my confession in exchange for communion and the baptism that will cleanse my soul and wash the mortal desires from my body making me worthy of enlightenment... humble and broken and faithfully hers... just give me those words... but she taunts me... like phantom promises from a Lauren Bacall movie... and I... might be Bogart... and I might be insane... but I follow her... from room to room, down hallways and through doors that haven’t been opened since the winter wind blow them shut and I play hide and seek with her... and I bargain with her... I offer what’s left of me to her... I loose my mind for her... but I get nowhere closer to her... and the words that can save me fade away with her - into... the night.

El Amor

Soulmates

I was in darkness - and you were the light
You were the bright skies - I was the shadow of night
I was rising up from the water to be baptized in your flame
We can never be together but you say we're one and the same ...

I was the picture of evil - you were an angel in hell
My life was cursed - and you were the spell
I was followed by a dark cloud - your love came down on me like rain
And when I'm bruised and beaten and down on luck you're there to heal the pain...

You're the star that guides me - when I'm lost at sea
And you're there to catch me - when I fall in a dream
And when I run out of inspiration and there are no more hearts left to break
And my master calls me back to Heaven you'll be waiting at the gate...
You are my soul mate...

Sunday in bed with Dash

Muse at Midnight

In the stars above me

In the solace of the rain

In the shadows that surround me

In the breeze that calls my name

In the whisper of a candle

In the silence of my room

In the chaos of the city

In the magic of the moon

In the tick tock of time ticking

In the words I'll never find

In the sound of hearts breaking

In the echoes of my mind

In the thunder and the lightning

In the mist from the sea

In the broken hearts that haunt me

and ones waiting in a dream

Moments of the night - part I

There are moments in the night...
that get so quiet I can hear angels breathing in the dark. I hear them bumping into each other overcome by the darkness in my heart. I hear them tumble from clouds with the rain and the snow and the prayers that never made it back home to a God who abandoned us long ago. I hear them fumble and crumble in the chaos left behind from wars against the personal angels of some other poets private God... I hear them licking the wounds of their battered and tattered and ragged warriors as they march back to some green valley bathed in holy sun light and wait for sweet tears from Heaven to wash away the stench of love unrequited... I hear them whisper to one another secret plots against man. They scheme and they dream of setting fire to this world we took for granted and devoured with our lust and our greed and our reckless disregard for the only home... and the only chance we have... I hear them sharpening their swords and their spears and I hear the soft rubbing of silk laced with the nectar of cloves which they use to polish their armor. I hear them beating their breast plates with the steel in their hands and howl in the early hours of dawn at the lingering glow of the moon - like wolves and mad dogs and lions in chains begging to be set free to put an end to this disaster called humanity. I can hear them laugh at the suffering and the sorrow and the desperation of the week and the humble and the downtrodden... at the poor and the enslaved and the abused... and the sick and the dieing and the dead... the ones that died without knowing love and happiness and beauty and never had a chance to be touched by music and poetry and art... those that lived in fear and those that lived without ever knowing the grace of love... of God... of the light... the light that always comes to late... I hear them laugh... at those who came so close and gave up hope before they reached the truth... those poor souls who never took the time to listen in these moments of the night...