Thursday, January 29, 2009

All that's left to leave behind...

I’ve spent the last couple of days throwing away what was left of my life... clothes I don’t wear and may not have ever worn again, music that supplied the soundtrack to my wasted youth and the intermissions in between affairs. Contracts and financial statements that no longer apply to the life I have chosen to live. Notebooks and journals that hid the evidence of the guilty and the innocent alike - the beginnings of what might have been great art - in some distant future, and the rambling’s of an overly ambitious young writer - who’s work is best left lost if not hidden from the world... and lastly the collected works of great first lines for poems that will never be finished - also included with said anthology was the collection of my greatest last verses... unfortunately everything in between the beginnings and the endings have not been written... so out they went with the fragments of a life still in progress.
... But the love letters... what am I going to do with the love letters?
Twenty three years of learning the art of seduction - basically that is what my collection of love letters are - a study of the romantic mind... the endlessly... hopelessly romantic. Letters I never sent to any lover for fear of rejection, for fear of being hurt and for fear that I might have to follow through on some of my promises of love... one has to be very careful with the words one speaks and with the words you don’t. I have written letters to women that I knew only for a night or less - some I shared moments that lasted no longer than a few hours but they left their scars on me and they did not leave empty handed either. I have written letters that I never sent to women whom I actually felt real affection for, women whom I felt love for - or something close to it, and I have written letters of love that I never sent to women that I could have surrendered myself to completely - those women that I could have and would have changed my world for - women that I once convinced myself I could not survive without - only to learn later that life does go on without them... without her...yes, her... I could throw away everything I have ever written - the proof that I once loved, the truth that I felt something for someone, sometime in my life... but what will I do with the letters that they gave me... that she gave me... the proof that I was once loved...
It has been over ten years since the last time I spoke to "E" the girl who’s name I can’t even speak - the girl who has been reduced to a letter like some spy from a pulp fiction paper back. I won’t lie to anyone - when that relationship finally came to an end it was painful - the disappointment of the time and emotions that were invested all coming to an end... the rejection... and dreams and promises unfulfilled... painful... but life continued and it continued alone... but not lonely. I keep a box of the letters she wrote me when we first started our romance and the letters she sent from university - letters of love and letters of anger but passionate letters filled with hopes and ambitions... and fears. Letters filled with the words of innocent youth and the cynicism of adulthood. Through the countless women that have come and gone that box of letters from "E" has stuck around longer than any affair I have ever had - that box of letters from "E" has stayed with me longer than our actual relationship lasted... strange the things we hold on to - I once left a comment on Shupe’s blog about the reasons why we hold on to the painful things in life but perhaps I was wrong and I held on to that box of letters for as long as I have because deep down inside - I fear being alone... and all those letters from the women I have known are the little things left to show me that I do not have to be alone... but the box of letters from "E" is the reason why I am alone... don’t get me wrong I have loved others... I loved them more and gave them more than "E" ever got from me... I have felt more passion for other women then I ever felt for "E" and I have found many women that loved me better... but she was the one that made me crazy... and there will always be a women in everyman’s life that will make him crazy... but she will not always be the "one" - and the "one" for me, also - already came and went... and left her love letters... and what will I do with those... send them all back... I can’t do that... and I can’t take them with me... Do I scatter them to the wind... or set them ablaze and let the memories of love abandoned and unrequited be carried off to the gods...


I’ve written songs
That have made young girls cry
I’ve written poems
That have made women mine
But I can’t find the words my dear
To bring you here

I long to be lost
in your eyes
And use your love
as a disguise
To protect me from
The things I fear
- If you were here

I’ve held you late
Into the night
I’ve lost you
With the morning light
For it’s only in dreams
You appear
- Because you’re not here

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Savage Hearts

Do I dare wish upon a star
For love to tame this savage heart
Do I dare risk it all for you
To find out if it could be true
Do I dare climb to Heaven girl
To bring you back sweet Kuan Yin’s pearls
Do I put my fate in destiny
And pray it brings you close to me
Do I dare give you this song my dear
Will I keep it hidden for all time I fear
Do I dare gamble with the prince of lies
For the chance to dance inside your eyes
Do I dare dream of you tonight
And hold back the morning with all my might
Do I dare call down the stars above
To shine upon my savage love

Sunday, January 25, 2009

One thousand variations

One thousand poems are all I'll leave behind
One thousand whispers colliding in my mind
One thousand hearts still breaking in my room
One thousand kisses that ended too soon

One thousand verses that can't find a home
One thousand faces and I'm still alone
One thousand tears that got lost in the rain
One thousand changes but it all stays the same

One thousand trips I've made around the world
One thousand pillows and I still can't find that girl
One thousand letters I still have to write
One thousand angels stand guard in the night

One thousand nights of passion with a harem I did share
One thousand lashes from the sheik I did bare
One thousand shadows turning corners in my head
One thousand tumbles still to be had in my bed

Monday, January 19, 2009

I want to run with wild horses

I want to run with wild horses
I want to fly among the stars
I want to know if true love lives
In the valleys of your heart
I want to laugh like thunder
And pour down on you like rain
Leave all God’s creatures in wonder
When all the heavens know my name

I want to chase phantom ships with dolphins
And learn the secrets of the sea
Hold back the tides and strange winds
Until you belong to me
I want to ride the lightning
That flashes in your eyes
And leave an army of angels sighing
Like clouds melting in the sky

Thursday, January 8, 2009

...when you're not around...

I don't want to hear the stars jingle
don't want to hear the moon sigh
I don't want to hear the clouds
bump into each other up in the sky
I don't want to hear the raindrops shatter
as they fall to the ground
I don't want to hear the angels laughter
if you're not around... when you're not around

I don't want to see the colors of Heaven
in my bottle of gin
I don't want to see the goddess of twilight
before winter begins
I don't want to see the clouds cover the mountains
as the night disappears
I don't want to throw pennies into fountains
if you're not near... to bring you here.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Reading McKuen

It doesn't matter...

It doesn’t matter that I never said
the words you wanted to hear
It doesn’t matter that I didn’t try
to silence all your fears
It doesn’t matter that you tried too hard
to change the way I live
It doesn’t matter that you didn’t get
the best I’ve got to give

It doesn’t matter that the time we shared
was mostly in a bed
It doesn’t matter that the words I write
are for someone else instead
It doesn’t matter that you didn’t try
to put a little faith in me
It doesn’t matter that I didn’t trust you
with all the secrets I keep

It doesn’t matter if it was only lust
that I ever I felt for you
It doesn’t matter if I never said it
but the love I made was true
It doesn’t matter who was wrong
and it doesn’t matter who was right
It doesn’t matter anymore girl
- now we’re both lonely tonight...

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Looks like I'm over her...

I can’t remember the color of her eyes
I can’t remember the warmth of her thighs
I can’t remember the smell of her hair
Or her come hither stair - I guess I’m over her...

I can’t remember the taste of her lips
I can’t remember the form of her hips
I can’t remember the shape of her breasts
I must confess - I think I’m over her...

I can’t remember the little things that she did
I can’t remember the late night love she would give
I can’t remember the size of her hand
I hope she’ll understand - now that I’m over her...

I can’t remember all the words that were said
I can’t remember how she looked in my bed
I can’t remember her drawn out good-byes
And her mellow dramatic sighs - looks like I’m over her...

Thursday, January 1, 2009

She's looking for something

She’s looking for something that she can’t explain
She’s looking for someone with a different name
She wants him to be
anybody but me
And she’s looking for him
some place I’ve never been
She wants him to be some kind of star
She wants him to drive some fancy car
She’s hoping that he
is going to be found
Someplace wherever
I’m not around
She’s looking for a hero to put out the fire
Some angel or saint to calm her desire
And she wants to wake up
in some other place
Where she wont have to
Remember my face-