and this is where we are...

Well now that I have had time to sober up and time to shake a little of the insanity off me...

In all honesty...

I like Dags – I have for a very long time – but the situation...

That word – “situation...” what the fuck does it even mean – every time I think of that word I think of Elsa – see... after she married and she called me crying about what she had done... she used that word – I wrote everything down back then - that whole damn relationship got recorded in note books that are packed in a box back home... but anyway... I tried to get some fucking honesty out of her (Elsa) and wanted to know why and she said to me that I did not understand her situation... her exact words - “you don't understand my situation” - I never asked I just let my imagination do what it had to do... I wonder if this person claiming to be her in this last e-mail knows that... I threw away everything that had to do with that chick except for my notebooks about her – kept those to torture myself with... that's a joke – they are there to remind me of what to do and not to do and it has worked so far... after I came to terms with the truth about women, your cousin Dash has been balls deep in fine young pussy – crazy, but fine... I am an ass-hole and contemplated that fact about myself over the last two days... I am a serious first class prick...

But my intentions have never been to hurt Dagmar – that, my friends and good readers (that are cheering for her, as you have said in your messages) is the honest truth.

As you know I am friends with her father – not only friends but the man took me in and tried to teach me some things to help me navigate my fucked up life through this fucked up world... I admit to not always having been a good friend to some, but I never hurt any of them nor did I ever stab anyone in the back... but many sure did to me... and I know revenge is a terrible thing to waste ones time and energy on... but some of those fuckers have it coming... so I know what it is like to have friends betray your trust and I cannot and I will not do it to Dag's father... so I have kept her (tried to keep her) at a distance – I am told that the old man is staying out of it... but still... that is my situation... I owe the man my loyalty and in many ways my life... and I have tried when I can, to repay his favors and I have tried to look out for her but it turns out many times that she is looking out for me... but then I go and do things that hurt her and betray her trust... even though she has proven her loyalty to me time and again... see... I'm a prick.

Was it a year ago – or two... I can't keep track of time. I had met this Northern European looking Mexican girl and we had a little fling and she had invited me to go down and see her in Mexico City and we had spoken about taking a trip to a beach further South... this was when I was having a hacking problem with my google account and I figured it was the same person as before because there was once a person causing problems for me on-line pretending to be me and other people – just to be a faggot... I had Dags fix that problem while I chased that girl. I got an e-mail from some one claiming to be Elsa – and if you have read the babble then you know that chick was my only long term relationship but really there is not much to say about her other than that... once I was locked up in my room for four days and I was not coming out, but Dagmar coaxed me out with a fresh bottle of Johnny Walker... and we drank and I told her about Elsa – it was the first time I ever mentioned that girl to Dags and it was a mystery to her why I never did before, but as I said, there is nothing to tell as my life began after Elsa... so I got that e-mail but I never read it as I was in transit around Mexico... and I told Dags to delete it... anyhow... and Dags had used everything I had told her about that relationship and how it came to an end to deduce that it could not be who they said it was from... and I concurred... the Nordic Mexican girl flaked and I went to catch up with Cris and Jan – they were in Guadalajara and making their way to Cris' ranch – When Nic (Dom) passed away, he left Cris his property in Mexico – it could be a ranch but it is just a big empty space with an old adobe house on it... I did not tell Dags where I was going – she assumed I would be with the Nordic girl but then I would be heading home... but I never made it when I said I would... she panics – as she does, and left for Juarez to find someone in the tribe to go after me... I had let Tommy know (he is the one I used to refer to as young Tony Montana) where I would be, and he put Dags on a plain back home and he went after me... Tommy and Jan hit it off as friends from the start – they are the same age and Jan convinced Tommy to go to Asia and help him work some hustles there... and I left Cris to go back home but I was side tracked - Panama... Colombia... oh Colombia... and it was when I was in Cartagena that I let Dags know where I was and she started to let on about her feelings and that it would be best for me to just get my ass back home so I returned to her... and we tried to figure out what was happening between us as I also had feelings for her but kept it hidden as best as I could though she says I did a poor job of it... but her walking around in those skirts of hers and those silk shirts... may also had something to do with me not being able to disguise my growing lust for her... yeah...

We have been dancing that dance in circles ever since...and I have pushed her away and she has ran away and I have chased her and she has returned and I have pushed her away again and again... but she kept coming back... and I found myself not wanting her to leave and I began to have struggles with this whole thing – because of my friend – her father... but I did, for a time, try to do everything I could to keep her from leaving me... though... I knew this should not go too far... but I want(ed) it to go far... see what's happening here – that struggle... I want her... and she wants it too... but we both know the reasons why we can't... yeah... fuckin' hell is right.

I think it was in August of last year – yes, a year ago almost exactly that I received another e-mail from this person claiming to be Elsa and I responded but never really believed it was from her – it was just a short response and I never heard from that person again - because it just makes no fucking sense or logic to me why she would ever want to contact me – but a few years back some one was trying to find me under her name and I figured it was that person that was causing me problems – so why do I not believe this person to be Elsa – because I saw that chick in Houston many years ago – looked right at her and there was no reaction. Saw her again at a Carl's burgers in El Paso one night, she had walked in with a couple brat kids... again I looked right at her and there was no reaction... so why would she try to contact me through e-mail... but maybe it was not her that I was looking at... as my memory of her is hazy... I don't have any pictures to use as a reference and I don't think she ever had any pictures of me either... so it could have been that we just are different people than the ones we were when we knew each-other... I know I sure am... and plus, my face has taken a beating and parts are not the same... or it wasn't her... but I am convinced, as Dagmar has tried to tell me – if it is her, she just wants attention... don't waste my time.

A few months back I had come home (Juarez) and Dags was on the floor crying and she was going through some of my papers and I stood there not knowing what to say or do because I had never seen her like that before... and I take a step closer and she looks up at me and screams - “you said you didn't love her!!!” and I had no idea who or what the fuck she was going on about until I got closer and saw the papers on the ground, she clutched one of them in her hands and that old bruised heart of mine sunk a little bit... and I was furious that she had found them and started reading them... and she repeated with one of those letters in her fist – “you told me you didn't love her...” and she let out a scream.

I knelt down and took her in my arms and tried to calm her and silence her... but the only thing that did anything to calm her was to say things I should not have said... I did not lie to her – I did not lie to you and you know that... but I should not have said all those things... but I said it and it was real... and despite of my philandering ways... my feelings for you are real...

She had found letters that I write to Veronica – it is what I do... another exercise in therapy (like this blog). And in those letters are the words I never said – dreams I would have liked to share with her... another life – that could have been... with her... I always have and I may always write letters to Veronica's ghost... insane... maybe... but it actually keeps me sane... but... I can't love a ghost for the rest of my life and I can't chase after the ghost of Veronica - now that it seems that even the ghost of her has abandoned me... I know... but... it was always a comfort to know that the ghost of her would be there for me in those times when I would lose myself in my solitude... and no matter how many girls come and go... she would be there... but... I keep thinking that - Veronica's ghost came around less and less when Dagmar came back into my life... I don't know what that means.

And Dags left – again, only to return again... but I had to go back to the states... and I left her behind... again... and then she left... and then we come to last week when I got another e-mail from this person and I wanted to have Dags track it back to its source because you know these modern kids know how to do all that computer shit... but she got angry at me and even accused me of writing it myself and doing this all just to make her jealous - what the fuck... I was pissed and she stopped responding to me and stopped answering the phone and all I wanted was to find out who this ass-hole is... I know the spammer is from France... but I know that is a different person entirely.... and then, as you know, she wrote that letter... which I thought was worthy of sharing with you all – but I kept the second one to myself as it really went off on some crazy shit that had nothing to with me or our feelings for each-other – women bring up the craziest shit when they are mad... that makes no sense and it took me a while to even figure out what she was even talking about in many parts... 'cause, hey... I wasn't there for that... and that wasn't me... and really... this is all my fault just to let her have the last word... but she cut me off and I have not heard from her since...

So I got drunk and went to places I should not have been and did things I should not have done... but This guy we call the Roman found me and dragged me out and sobered me up.

And here we are today... (he shrugs his shoulders at his own reflection and stares at his cold coffee for a very long time).

Thank you all for your messages – thank you Russia and all of Asia for your visits and messages and to all those loyalists – I truly do appreciate your views and letters.

No – I will not stop writing but I am looking for a new home for these Deringer Files – screw google and blogger – this will be the fourth time DF had to find a new host... but I think I will publish this journal of mine under a different format entirely... this site will stay up as is and I am looking to submit writings elsewhere so keep an eye out for those – but all this personal junk that you voyeurs seem to like will go someplace else...

Thank you.

Dash.