you ain't seen nothing like me yet...

The missing years:

I was  in chains... and holding those chains was a demon beast whose name I will not say... but the devil himself offered me a deal... fortunately... another intervened...

I met her when she was still a little girl.  Her father had taken me in and tried to teach me about the world... and life... and tried to teach me to be a man... but to that little girl I was nothing more than another servant in the house and when I would be out working in the gardens or the fields she would treat me as such... she was a mean and snobby little child... she denies it... but it is true.

She would tease me and insult me the way only mean little rich girls know how to when others were around... but when I would be alone in her fathers study reading or doing work for the man or when I would be studying alone in the dinning room or just trying to find some peace in the court yard she would come and smile at me and leave her drawings on top of my work or bring me her little stories and poems... and whisper things to me in a language I am not sure is even real... she laughs and says that never happened... but I kept all those drawings and stories and pieces of poetry... The first Christmas, she sat next to me at her fathers table and squeezed my hand as he said grace... and held it for a long time afterward until everyone was served... on new years eve... when no-one was looking she kissed me on the cheek... and whispered her strange whispers... I tell her I am writing this and she sticks her tongue out at me - just the way she would when she was a child... she laughs... because she knows it is all true... I tell her she has yet to apologize for being such a brat even after I gave her the most comfortable job in the world... she rolls her eyes...

I told her that we are a bad... very bad idea... and it is one of those things that just simply can not be... after all... I am just another servant in her fathers house... and she said - "you, are in my fathers tribe..."  I think that just complicates things even more... she does not care... when we had returned to Mexico she told me that she told her mother when she was still young that one day... and her mother shook her head and said no. she has said a couple of times that she knew the first time she saw me... and she told her sisters... and they said no.

She told me that she hated me for a long time after I had left their home and disappeared into the world.

And then I needed to take on some extra help to put things in order as I create disorder out of the remaining madness that still litters the corridors of my mind... and she jumped at the chance... "the pay won't be much... but you'll have the run of the place..."

But things changed... she freaked out a couple of months back when I had vanished and did not make it home when I said I would... she came up to Texas to find the gang and someone to go after me... and it was Tommy... he disappeared into the world with Jan... but eventually I made it home... she freaked out over all the e-mails and strange events and unanswered questions that we still all have... she got scared and worries that something bad will happen... she wants to have  nothing  with the things I do now outside of my business... and she asked me to lock her out of my non-business e-mail accounts... she worries about her father and other men in his tribe... but she worries more about me because she is living in my house and has had to go after me more than once... I do tend to wander off into the world at night and not come back for months... and when I return... I have not always been able to shake of the demons that get dragged back home... I said deals were made... I didn't say they were good ones... but... she said... she would follow me where ever I went... and I just shook my head... no...

I was in Cartagena  when she said - "maybe... what you are looking for is back home..." those are the exact same words Amanda had said to me... and I lost out on that one... at first I thought she was talking about Valentina - because I can be thick sometimes... and when I realized what she meant... I returned home...

This may be another chapter in the book of things I should not have done... but... maybe... it has to be left alone to play out as the fates decide...

There are no lies I can tell you that you will believe... and there is no truth that you will accept... and I  - like you... can only offer you the words of another... until we figure out what this is.