This started out as an e-mail to a friend - so if you see the name Henry... that's why...
She’s the type with a very cute face and an extremely hot body - you know the type... in my experience those girls lead to trouble... and I had been looking for trouble for a while...
The gang keeps me busy and when I am not doing tribal stuff I am chasing my solitude and my pleasures, but, have been - for some reason, holding back on the women. I came to the conclusion that since I began my quest for a wife I have been looking at women different - as something more than a sex toy for me... that is... would she make a good help mate for me... a good mother for my sons... does she even want a family... a home to build and a life to be proud of - and would she mind it so much with the likes of me... but I check them all out just the same... and they all know I am checking them out, and so far in the past few months they have all responded positively to the manner in which I am evaluating them... (?)... they all make eye contact with me and smile and some of them even blush... but I passed them all up and they get this frown and scowling look when I don’t go and talk to them... at first I thought there was something wrong with me but it was another in the crew that made me realize what I was doing - evaluating the women - when he asked why I was doing it, he showed me in over exaggerated gestures and mimicking my thoughts out loud - “oh shit! That is what I’m doing... you think the women know?”
“- of course they do... but... they don’t seem... to mind it - do they?” he says as his statement fades in a tone of confusion toward the end...
No. In fact, they don’t.
But the girl that broke the spell, Henry, was the kind that makes me want to do stupid things... she was thin and had the figure of a ballet dancer - you know that I like that... and she had long blonde, wavy, crazy hair that she tried to tie back with what looked like a bandana but her hair was so thick and heavy it looked like it would explode any minute. She was light skinned and wore no make up - she was naturally beautiful and had a certain look of nostalgia to her and to me she looked like she would be very much at home at a renaissance fair and she wore a dress that went down to her ankles under an old blue sweater... she was with an older woman and I thought they might be Mennonites up from the ranch doing their shopping - it was on a Sunday and we were at the market... I looked up as I turned the corner from a produce stand and there she was in front of me... walking in my direction... I couldn’t take my eyes off her and the closer we got... the bigger her eyes and smile became... we passed each other as her mother made a left into an alley of stalls and the girl followed... I smiled and kept walking... but from the corner of my eye I could see that she turned around to get another look... I made a right turn and intended to intercept her at the end of the row of vendors...
She wasn’t paying attention and she ran into me... when she looked up to apologize - her eyes went wide and she said hello... Hi... Sweet Nordic beauty... she had come up from Mexico City to stay with family and had only one more week left before returning... and we stole as many moments as we could together... She’s twenty five, a receptionist at a doctors office... on a quest of her own... shy... scared of everything... and one of the most feminine girls I have had the pleasure to know in a long time... as for her opinion of me... she called me a “bruto” and that I was “un bravo”, “un frescolin” - a savage, a brut... a devil may care flirt... but she likes it... because I was not like the men that she knows... we played cat and mouse for a week and I still don’t know who was the cat and who was the mouse... I wont pretend like I don’t care that she is gone... I will chase this girl in Mexico City... that is the kind of girl that is worth the chase... we’ll see what happens... her eyes were green... but not quite green... more like the color of fading autumn... and that is what I feel like after knowing her... like fading autumn...
Back in El Paso... this past Monday I was at a Barnes and Nobles book sellers looking for Chesterton and cheap sketch books... I don’t like going into that store but they usually have cheaper sketch books than at the art supply store... at least the books I use... I never have pleasant experiences there. This last time I was surrounded by boys that all looked the same... there was a time a few years ago when all the boys had the same fade hair style and wore the same baggy sweat pants hanging from their ass... now, they are wearing tight skinny pants with the same low cut v-neck shirts... some wearing winter caps in a goofy half on position... they all look very unkept and, well... they look like a bunch of retarded homosexuals... what the fuck? Do women like that - are these boys reading their fashion tips from some magazines written by gay men telling them what women want?
I couldn’t find any Chesterton but I had my sketch books so I headed to the magazines to flip through Boating and Sailing Magazines - I still have my eyes on a Morrison, but still looking around... to the side of the magazine stands there is a small coffee shop and I eyed a young college girl... she smiles and I smile with approval and proceed to ignore her as I look for my magazines... as I work my way around the magazines I end up in front of the coffee shop where the mens magazines are... I hear a voice... "excuse me...” it’s that girl... I don’t look up...
“Can I ask you some thing” she says
I tilt my head but not fully toward her - I don’t even look at her yet and say - “sure”
“Are you gay?”
I stand straight... what the fuck!
Am I gay! Out of all the retarded looking boys here she wants to know if I am gay - ever see that stupid movie “IDIOCITY” yeah... I just stepped into that world... the other men that were there were fat men with their kids - I was dressed in dark blue trousers and a long sleeved button down dark grey shirt... why would she think me gay - my slow militant walk? My white beard? That I was standing right in front of the gun magazines when she walked up to me? - all this is going through my mind... I immediately go into ass-hole mode and looking right at her... I say...
“Why - are you looking for a nice hard fuck... cause I have about an hour and a half open in my schedule this evening...”
She looks shocked... she gasped - I give her my crooked half smile and she says...
“You’re an ass-hole...”
I say - “baby you have no idea... but what about that fucking?”
She says - “stay away from me...” loud enough for everyone around us to hear and she goes back to her table and I go back to the magazines... then... another voice...
“Hey!” - it’s some boy she was setting with dressed like the other retarded faggots coming to save the day - “you need to apologize to my friend for talking to her like that... she was trying to be nice to you... and then you should leave because your behavior is offensive...” he went on but I zoned out and look at the girl sitting at her table smirking... and I gave her that broken smile of mine and raised a brow at her... her smirk turned into a shy smile... she’s down to fuck... I tap the boy on the shoulder and say...
“Sure thing hero...” but I don’t look at him... “ say - you’re doing a great job...” I grab a random gun magazine and shove into his stomach - he grabs it... “keep it up...” and I turn away - he keeps talking and I continue looking for that sailing magazine... I hear a fat man laugh...
I find what I am looking for and look through the ‘boats for sale’ section... same as last month... same boats with reduced prices... nothing there for Dash... so I step out from the magazines and begin to make my way to the check out to pay for the sketch books... but I stop and look back at the girl... she is looking at me - so is the other girl she is with and the white knight in skinny pants... and I motion to her to see if she is coming - you no that gesture... and she smiles... I wait a moment and then shrug my shoulders... she starts to laugh but her friends turn to her... and she composes herself... the fat man is also observing everything and laughs... I walk away...
The gang keeps me busy and when I am not doing tribal stuff I am chasing my solitude and my pleasures, but, have been - for some reason, holding back on the women. I came to the conclusion that since I began my quest for a wife I have been looking at women different - as something more than a sex toy for me... that is... would she make a good help mate for me... a good mother for my sons... does she even want a family... a home to build and a life to be proud of - and would she mind it so much with the likes of me... but I check them all out just the same... and they all know I am checking them out, and so far in the past few months they have all responded positively to the manner in which I am evaluating them... (?)... they all make eye contact with me and smile and some of them even blush... but I passed them all up and they get this frown and scowling look when I don’t go and talk to them... at first I thought there was something wrong with me but it was another in the crew that made me realize what I was doing - evaluating the women - when he asked why I was doing it, he showed me in over exaggerated gestures and mimicking my thoughts out loud - “oh shit! That is what I’m doing... you think the women know?”
“- of course they do... but... they don’t seem... to mind it - do they?” he says as his statement fades in a tone of confusion toward the end...
No. In fact, they don’t.
But the girl that broke the spell, Henry, was the kind that makes me want to do stupid things... she was thin and had the figure of a ballet dancer - you know that I like that... and she had long blonde, wavy, crazy hair that she tried to tie back with what looked like a bandana but her hair was so thick and heavy it looked like it would explode any minute. She was light skinned and wore no make up - she was naturally beautiful and had a certain look of nostalgia to her and to me she looked like she would be very much at home at a renaissance fair and she wore a dress that went down to her ankles under an old blue sweater... she was with an older woman and I thought they might be Mennonites up from the ranch doing their shopping - it was on a Sunday and we were at the market... I looked up as I turned the corner from a produce stand and there she was in front of me... walking in my direction... I couldn’t take my eyes off her and the closer we got... the bigger her eyes and smile became... we passed each other as her mother made a left into an alley of stalls and the girl followed... I smiled and kept walking... but from the corner of my eye I could see that she turned around to get another look... I made a right turn and intended to intercept her at the end of the row of vendors...
She wasn’t paying attention and she ran into me... when she looked up to apologize - her eyes went wide and she said hello... Hi... Sweet Nordic beauty... she had come up from Mexico City to stay with family and had only one more week left before returning... and we stole as many moments as we could together... She’s twenty five, a receptionist at a doctors office... on a quest of her own... shy... scared of everything... and one of the most feminine girls I have had the pleasure to know in a long time... as for her opinion of me... she called me a “bruto” and that I was “un bravo”, “un frescolin” - a savage, a brut... a devil may care flirt... but she likes it... because I was not like the men that she knows... we played cat and mouse for a week and I still don’t know who was the cat and who was the mouse... I wont pretend like I don’t care that she is gone... I will chase this girl in Mexico City... that is the kind of girl that is worth the chase... we’ll see what happens... her eyes were green... but not quite green... more like the color of fading autumn... and that is what I feel like after knowing her... like fading autumn...
Back in El Paso... this past Monday I was at a Barnes and Nobles book sellers looking for Chesterton and cheap sketch books... I don’t like going into that store but they usually have cheaper sketch books than at the art supply store... at least the books I use... I never have pleasant experiences there. This last time I was surrounded by boys that all looked the same... there was a time a few years ago when all the boys had the same fade hair style and wore the same baggy sweat pants hanging from their ass... now, they are wearing tight skinny pants with the same low cut v-neck shirts... some wearing winter caps in a goofy half on position... they all look very unkept and, well... they look like a bunch of retarded homosexuals... what the fuck? Do women like that - are these boys reading their fashion tips from some magazines written by gay men telling them what women want?
I couldn’t find any Chesterton but I had my sketch books so I headed to the magazines to flip through Boating and Sailing Magazines - I still have my eyes on a Morrison, but still looking around... to the side of the magazine stands there is a small coffee shop and I eyed a young college girl... she smiles and I smile with approval and proceed to ignore her as I look for my magazines... as I work my way around the magazines I end up in front of the coffee shop where the mens magazines are... I hear a voice... "excuse me...” it’s that girl... I don’t look up...
“Can I ask you some thing” she says
I tilt my head but not fully toward her - I don’t even look at her yet and say - “sure”
“Are you gay?”
I stand straight... what the fuck!
Am I gay! Out of all the retarded looking boys here she wants to know if I am gay - ever see that stupid movie “IDIOCITY” yeah... I just stepped into that world... the other men that were there were fat men with their kids - I was dressed in dark blue trousers and a long sleeved button down dark grey shirt... why would she think me gay - my slow militant walk? My white beard? That I was standing right in front of the gun magazines when she walked up to me? - all this is going through my mind... I immediately go into ass-hole mode and looking right at her... I say...
“Why - are you looking for a nice hard fuck... cause I have about an hour and a half open in my schedule this evening...”
She looks shocked... she gasped - I give her my crooked half smile and she says...
“You’re an ass-hole...”
I say - “baby you have no idea... but what about that fucking?”
She says - “stay away from me...” loud enough for everyone around us to hear and she goes back to her table and I go back to the magazines... then... another voice...
“Hey!” - it’s some boy she was setting with dressed like the other retarded faggots coming to save the day - “you need to apologize to my friend for talking to her like that... she was trying to be nice to you... and then you should leave because your behavior is offensive...” he went on but I zoned out and look at the girl sitting at her table smirking... and I gave her that broken smile of mine and raised a brow at her... her smirk turned into a shy smile... she’s down to fuck... I tap the boy on the shoulder and say...
“Sure thing hero...” but I don’t look at him... “ say - you’re doing a great job...” I grab a random gun magazine and shove into his stomach - he grabs it... “keep it up...” and I turn away - he keeps talking and I continue looking for that sailing magazine... I hear a fat man laugh...
I find what I am looking for and look through the ‘boats for sale’ section... same as last month... same boats with reduced prices... nothing there for Dash... so I step out from the magazines and begin to make my way to the check out to pay for the sketch books... but I stop and look back at the girl... she is looking at me - so is the other girl she is with and the white knight in skinny pants... and I motion to her to see if she is coming - you no that gesture... and she smiles... I wait a moment and then shrug my shoulders... she starts to laugh but her friends turn to her... and she composes herself... the fat man is also observing everything and laughs... I walk away...
standing out in a world of mindless clones
Yesterday - I was having lunch at someplace close to the university and my waitress was a girl I had been eyeing for a while - but she thinks I am part of the “oppressive class” - she is the cute girl with the hot body... we have always made small talk but she has not let the small talk turn to flirtation... girls her age don’t even now how to flirt.
After my meal I pulled out one of my new sketch books and began to draw - sad girls of course... and she would come by and fill my cup of coffee and linger over my shoulder to see what I was drawing... she had never seen me do that... and she say...
“I didn’t know that you were an artist”
Me - “why would you know that?”
“I just thought that you were a business man or something...”
‘I am... but I also draw...”
“That’s strange... you’re like... not like I thought...”
“I might be just like you thought - maybe worse...”
She laughs... “yeah... maybe... why do you draw?”
I look up at her - “because I want to add something beautiful to the world... I believe men should give back twice as much as they take from the world... I am not a greedy man... but...”
“But you take a lot...”
“I take what I want...” I glance at her mid-section for an instant and look back up at her... she touches her neck and then fiddles with the back of her hair... she changes the subject... and reaches down to touch a drawing that I had ripped out of the book and says...
“I wish I could draw like that.”
“Have you ever tried to?”
“No...” I cut her off...
“How’s school?”
“It sucks... but it will get better...”
I Laugh - “No. It won’t”... and she laughs and says “You’re probably right.”
She picks up the drawing that she was looking at - “why are all these girls sad?”
“This modern world...” I say... she looks at me and nods... and I ask - “why are you sad?” and she begins to talk - but I look away... “I guess it’s just the way things are going for me right now...”
“Hey...” I interrupt “I’m going to go look at this guy’s photographs in a little while... you need to come with... you might be surprised how well you fit into my world...”
“I get off in just a little while...”
“His studio is very close... maybe we’ll get to see him at work... there’s always people there and it might turn into a party...”
“Yeah... that sounds cool...”
I waited for her to finish up and we sat around talking about her... she has no clue as to what she wants... we went to the studio and she met traditionally minded artists types and some women that don’t subscribe to the feminist doctrine... she had a good time... she gave me her number and seems interested in more... of my world...
Three different chicks in such a short time... because I am not what they are surrounded by... but only one is worthy of getting on the short list...
In this world of smart phones it is the man that takes the time to observe the world he is in and write his thoughts down with pen and paper that will get noticed... once everyone looks up... and the man that draws the faces around him... that gets glances from the crowd... the well dressed man... the strong man... the man with a purpose...
I don’t care about getting people’s attention... but I get it... if it helps to serve my purpose - even better.
The sad girls I drew while I was there:
ink and marker
pencil
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