girls in color

muse

color pencil and ink

Cindy and Jules

marker

girls from a photo shoot

(quick, rough and dirty)

marker

quizas... la mitad que me faltaba

I thought at first  - stepping out of the shower, that it was one of those things that resemble memories, but might just be dreams caught between the physical and my subconscious... but I hear her sigh and the sound of the bed frame creak as she stretches out on my bed... I walked slowly to the door and peek in at my own room... and there she was... I turn to look at myself in the mirror... and shrug my shoulders at myself... I walk closer to the glass... and play with the stubble on my face... she moans the way I remember she does and again I turn to peek into the room... she’s still there... and yes, I am fairly certain that this is all real - but to have it on record - as sometimes is stated at the top of these Deringer Files - this is one man’s slow descent into insanity... sometimes I go to sleep and I never know where I will wake up - here (at this moment and time) or there (some other place)... that should ruin all my credibility... because I remember her leaving - I go over the day she left and the things we said and didn’t say... the looks we exchanged and the ones we should have... the kiss that slipped away and the moment I was certain I had lost her forever... and I remember thinking how this was the best thing for the both of us - because destiny is calling us both to different places... and different times... I told myself... and as I have so many times before... I walked away from her and the moment that might have gone another way - had I only not been so damn certain that I don’t need anything or anyone to fill that empty space inside of m that must be there for a reason... because, up to this point, nothing and no-one has been able to fill it up... and because I am an ass-hole.

I spent the last two week not doing anything of any importance - in fact, I allowed myself some time to just have some fun not giving a damn about anything - spent a couple of days trying to  track down an album on-line with a stranger I have never met... but still can’t find a copy of “For Lover’s Only” by Kimiko Itoh... someone made me an offer for my Dr. Zhivago, but I told him to go to hell because I don’t believed he deserved it... got drunk for a few days and gained ten pounds in one week... no running, no working out... flirting with every young girl I come across and have been pissing off fag boys in tight pants... and pantsuit women... made some quick trips in Mexico to look at some land and a building in Playa de Carmen... mostly just drinking and wasting time... because I got into one of those moods when I could care less about the world and it’s ridiculous problems... come on people, what the fuck... and she says that I am the most fun person to be around when I don’t care about anyone or anything... and it is true - in those selfish moments when there is no tomorrow and I say a prayer for the things that might go wrong before I  cut loose on the world... are the most fun times I have... and when did she say this... the first night...

She knows me... well, maybe not completely but she gets me... and for me - that’s a good sign... and she knows where to find me - for the most part...

We never stopped communicating after she left... she mostly sent pictures and mp3s of songs... and I would  respond with songs of my own and try to avoid those conversations she still wants to have - about a relationship that does not exist... and, honestly, I was doing all I could  to keep her filling up my inbox... and there was that letter I sent her that she may have mistook for a love letter... ladies and gentlemen of the jury - how serious can we take the words of a man that has stated online that he prefers the company of whores and lose young women... and have you read his poetry... please, how would any one believe his intentions to be noble with this young lady, whom, by her own admission, referred to the defendant as a drunken womanizer, and has run off strange women from the home of the accused on several occasions... she knew full well what she was getting into and what she would not be getting out of any relationship - if indeed any should ever exist... with this misunderstood client of mine... but yeah... that letter may have gone to far, because I was calling her out and this move of hers may just be her calling me on my own bull-shit... the games we have to play...

I can’t remember telling her where I was going to be that day but I must have - I promised to help someone out with a negotiation, but really, a couple of us were just accessories that looked good filling up the room - the things one does for tribe... boring business stuff that had nothing to do with me but there I was looking like I was there to rough someone up with UCC legal jargon and market quotes... but Roland and Caleb... they just looked good.  I did not know she would be waiting downstairs in the lobby... she was facing the windows.  I watched people walk by her stepping aside to give her more space as they looked her up and down... she stood like some one I knew and she dressed like some one that did not belong there... I watched strangers look at her as if they recognized her from some where but dismissed the thought as they were certain she was from some far off forgotten dream - and she is - out of place in our modern world... see, she carries herself the way women from the old world with old money carry themselves - protected and isolated from the problems of the world - from the reality of the chaos and the madness the rest of us have to dredge through daily... but she knows how the world is - its workings. Its deceptions and its painful realities... but she has the luxury and privilege of slipping back into that old world behind a stone wall and gate were the beautiful people sleep in safety... she did not belong there among these worker bees but there she was making some people uneasy and others feel lucky to have been able to have been in her presence... a few people just lingered about to see what she was going to do as they tried to figure out who exactly she was - because she looked very important - was she some sort of celebrity... a politicians daughter?

The closer I got I came to realize who she was... and I took a deep breath and steadied my soul - what have I done... I shook my head and tried to come up with a future alibi and a prayer for whatever may go wrong next... but the prayer came to slow... she turned around... and as her eyes went wide... the crowd around us could only stand still to hear the sound of her voice - perhaps it might not be a dream at all...

She smiles at me but all I could do was shake my head... but really, I didn’t know why.

She say - “what are you doing?”

I say - “ at this moment or with my miserable life... because the answer, I am sure to both, is... I have no idea...”

“I think you know exactly what you are doing - you just don’t want others to know that you really do”.

I say - “hmmn...” and smile.

She puts her index finger on my chest and says - “you look like a man who wants to show a girl a good time...”

and I say - “you look like a girl who wants to make some bad choices...”

She laughs but she looks like she wants to cry - her eyes begin to water and she says “make me laugh...”

“Make you laugh? Make me laugh...” and I was going to say something funny but she grabs the lapel of my coat and pulls me down to her and we kiss... the crowd around us is in disbelief... who the hell am I to even dare reach beyond the stars... she releases me and tears begin.  I pull her into me to hide her tears from the world - because they belong to me... and the crowd begins to thin out and disburse... perhaps she’s just one of us after all...

She pulls away and starts to say something but grabs my hand and leads my out the building and says lets get drunk and I ask her if she has any money and she laughs but I was being serious - I had no money... and I ask something I did not want to know the answer to - “does your father know you’re here?” and she said yes... so I ask “is he going to send some one after us?”

“Do you mean is he going to send some one after you?”
“Yeah... that’s what I mean”.
“No - but my mother might get one of my crazy cousins after you...”
“What did you father say?”
“That you will break my heart... but... you already broke my heart...”

So...

We got drunk.

I do not believe in coincidence... and I know that all the events that lead to this are somehow my fault - for I did manipulate a lot of them to my favor... and she reminds me that I did say that sometimes you have to let things play out as they may... and I need to let it happen - last time... I did everything but let it happen...

I woke up this morning in this reality... and no... I don’t know what I am doing and I don’t know what will happen this time around... but she is in my kitchen... in my shirt, making breakfast... and it feels like Valparaiso... except now there’s kissing.

 lyrics by
Manuel Flores Monterrosas


Tu eres como el agua
que bebi de la montaña
tu eres esa lluvia
con la que se baña el alma

Eres una estrella
por la madrugada
eres luz que llena
todas mis mañanas

Tu tienes en los ojos
un lenguaje sin palabras
tu llevas en los labios
agua dulce azucarada

Tienes la belleza
que jamas mirara
eres una reyna
eres una dama

Tienes en los brazos
el calor que yo buscaba
sabes conprenderme
como yo necesitaba

Tienes la ternura
que yo no encontraba
eres simplemente
la mitad que me faltaba

Tienes la ternura
que yo no encontraba
eres simplemente
la mitad que me faltaba 

Tu dejas a tu paso
la mejor de las fragancias
tu entras en mis sueños
cuando se te da la gana

Me gusta tu cuerpo
Me gusta tu cara
y me gusta el ritmo
que lleva tu falda

Tienes en los brazos
el calor que yo buscaba
sabes conprenderme
como yo necesitaba

Tienes la ternura
que yo no encontraba
eres simplemente
la mitad que me faltaba

Tienes la ternura
que yo no encontraba
eres simplemente
la mitad que me faltaba

The "Rampage" and hatred for the women of the modern world.

 This was a comment I left over at Charles Sledge's Journal on his post Having Hatred for Women will Destroy You.  had a conversation about the topic earlier with someone and I thought I would share this here - Also be sure to check out Charles' site - start with this fine article on women here .

I went through this myself - dark days.

When I was still young and stupid I was in a relationship that lasted six years - but it was a roller coaster of chaos. I let my love for her make me weak and put up with all her bullshit no matter how humiliating until the point I just couldn't do it any more... she married three months after I left and that destroyed me, and I went on a drinking and fucking rampage... and I fucked a lot! I didn't care about anything and anyone and who I hurt along the way and I hurt many women back then... but many just kept coming back for more... but I did not give one fuck about them... I just fucked. It wasn't until I was in my thirties when I decided on the man I wanted to be and started to move in that direction - I am pleased with the results so far but it took me a while to put the pieces together and to pay attention to my actions when I reflected back on my behavior and decisions and mistakes I made in my youth - thinking a certain way will make me act a certain way, acting a certain way will get me a certain responses from those around me - so, if I can control my thoughts I can control my actions and if I control the way I act I can control how others respond to me. But this also is a power I used to get me more women that I did not care about... when it was time to get laid I went out and found a woman dressed up like a whore and I treated her like one and she was mine for the night... and I moved on - yeah, I had a lot of hatred for women - I will admit that, and the fact that women were letting themselves be treated badly justified my treatment of them - I lost women, because I was weak, to dominant men that treated them badly - "the red pill"... before I knew what the fuck the red pill was (before it was called the red pill). I am these days a solitary man, I prefer to be honest and kind to everyone and to be left alone to live my life my way.... I know it is easier in life to not give a damn about anything - but, you get what you give in this universe , so now days, for me it is easier just to be a nice guy - but being a nice guy does not get me laid and it does not get me respect in the street. We have to create other personalities for the world in order to get certain things - game to get women, mindset to get success, savagery to get respect... it will take some work to pull it all together and still keep a little bit of that gentleness and kindness that we as men need to help us do that which is right. Those that know me - my gang and inner circle know that I am a chill dude that just wants a simple life, but this modern world complicates even the simplest things like relationships. That girl was my down fall but I had to go through it, I had to learn those painful lessons the hard way - even though it was a truth I already knew, but refused to come to terms with.

All men will go through that pain and all men will go through that period of hate. Most men will go through that enlightenment and put the pieces together and find that thing called "the red pill" and many will struggle with coming to terms with the truth of it, but for many men, I believe, it is best that they learn these lessons the hard way.

Oh, in the last twenty years I have only been in one relationship with a woman that lasted a year, but all the others have not gone more than six months. Now that I am on a quest for a woman to have a family with I am behaving differently with women but I am also looking at them differently and they are responding to me differently but I am also spending less time with the tramps... we'll see what happens

Dash.

The Joy of Little Things

It's good the great green earth to roam,
Where sights of awe the soul inspire;
But oh, it's best, the coming home,
The crackle of one's own hearth-fire!
You've hob-nobbed with the solemn Past;
You've seen the pageantry of kings;
Yet oh, how sweet to gain at last
The peace and rest of Little Things!

Perhaps you're counted with the Great;
You strain and strive with mighty men;
Your hand is on the helm of State;
Colossus-like you stride . . . and then
There comes a pause, a shining hour,
A dog that leaps, a hand that clings:
O Titan, turn from pomp and power;
Give all your heart to Little Things.

Go couch you childwise in the grass,
Believing it's some jungle strange,
Where mighty monsters peer and pass,
Where beetles roam and spiders range.
'Mid gloom and gleam of leaf and blade,
What dragons rasp their painted wings!
O magic world of shine and shade!
O beauty land of Little Things!

I sometimes wonder, after all,
Amid this tangled web of fate,
If what is great may not be small,
And what is small may not be great.
So wondering I go my way,
Yet in my heart contentment sings . . .
O may I ever see, I pray,
God's grace and love in Little Things.

So give to me, I only beg,
A little roof to call my own,
A little cider in the keg,
A little meat upon the bone;
A little garden by the sea,
A little boat that dips and swings . . .
Take wealth, take fame, but leave to me,
O Lord of Life, just Little Things.

by

Robert William Service

not quite random faces from the crowd...

December 2016 - March 2017

Experimenting with technique

mixed styles

and the girl in charcoal...

Young man lost in the modern world

This is part of a letter to a friend.  I later shared this here, at The Gentleman's Club. And now I am am sharing it here.

I was still in my early twenties and I was in a relationship with a young girl that made me crazy (and weak). I was uneducated and trying to find good work doing anything really – I was hustling on the side doing whatever I could to make money, mostly working in night clubs promoting or throwing my own parties in Juarez, but I wanted something more – like all young men, and looking for someone to teach me something… college was not for me and I was not about to join the military – I figured out as a young man that the only winners in wars are the ones selling the guns and loaning out the money. There was no one around to teach me anything not even how to pull off a decent hustle. My parents had nothing important to teach me, my brothers weren’t going to teach me and all the other men in my life were clueless… and I did ask older men for advice, no one had anything to offer but stupid sayings that really will do you no good when you are young and trying to build an important life – and that is what I wanted when I was young. Everything I knew I taught myself… it would not be until many failures that men would come into my life and help me relearn all that I thought I knew and help me to fine tune and work out the kinks in what I had learned on my own… and to these men I will always owe a dept of gratitude and kindness… remember that last statement – I will circle back around to it later.

He was an engineer of some kind – this old man that slammed the door in my face…
My girl friend’s mother had gone through three or four live in boyfriends since I knew them, this old worthless fart was the last one I knew before I left that girl and I do not remember his name – it is not important as the man himself is not important and deserves no kindness or respect from me other than what I already gave him when I knew him – No, I never disrespected him, nor was I ever rude to him or my girl’s mother… they however showed very little kindness to me and what ever bits of civility came only for the sake of the girlfriend…

Back then, as today, I did not drive (I have always had personal problems with licenses and permits) and took the bus or I would walk – I walked to her apartment – they were always changing apartment… it was not a far walk from where I was but I wanted to see her – I do not know why anymore but I made the walk to her place and knocked on the door – the old man opens the door and I greet him politely and ask to see her… he tells me she can not see me and that I cannot just show up whenever I like… I am confused and say I did not know it would be a problem and that I just need a moment with her. He tells me that it is a problem and that she cannot come to the door – I say I can wait outside for her – he says – “it’s time for you to leave” and I (really confused) say – “why are you so rude, I have never done anything” and he looks at me and says – “that is why…” It took me a moment to figure out what he just said and I quickly put together that because I had done nothing with my life I was not good enough to be with this young girl that he was not remotely related to in any way shape or form – not in this reality at least… and I, out of desperation, could only shrug my shoulders with palms open ready to receive wisdom that would make me a better young man, a young man worthy of just a little bit of respect from the world… I was pleading in silence… in simple but unmistakable gestures… give me something old man… point me in the right direction… give me a stupid saying from your generation… a bible quote… any little bit of advice… nothing… he didn’t even shake his head in disgust at me, he just shut the door and left me there looking and feeling like a fool…

Worthless piece of old man shit – I hope he burns in hell. That was very un-Christian of me to say and it is the behavior of a pissed off bitter little boy… well, that was just how it affected me… I do not remember that man’s name but I will never forget that moment… I do not remember what followed that… a lot of my memories of those days get jumbled up in the alcohol and drug haze that came after I broke up with the girl – but my memory tries to tell me that I stuck around outside waiting for her to come out – I can’t be certain nor do I even recall if I spoke to her about what happened… but I don’t think I did nor do I believe she would have actually given a fuck about it…

Even nice guys aren’t good enough – and that proved it to me – it was, to this day the only time a man shut the door on me – I have had men tell me they disapprove of me being with their daughters but they never slammed the door on me. They never tried to stop me or prevent me from seeing their daughters but they never slammed the door on me – I have never been disrespectful to any girls parents nor have I ever been rude to any of them… even when I was falling into the abyss and lost myself in the fucking rampage… but no one ever offered me a helping hand or a kind word of warning or advice… and so it was.

Since then – the things I have done with my life… well, most of them are bad things, most had no honor in them and were done mostly for my own greed and not for the betterment of mankind and the world and not really for my own personal growth – just greed… get it out of the way while you’re young and you can… and the good things – there weren’t many and no one is going to care really – no one will remember you for the good things you did – I truly believe that – the world does not want a hero, it does not want a good and righteous man to come and remind them of how worthless their own life is… the world is begging for a strong dominant leader to save them from themselves and give them a painful spanking with soothing words afterwards – “it’s not your fault, but daddy’s here now to show you the right way”, a leader who will do all the thinking for you while you zombie out on facebook and sports t.v. and dancing with the has been. This is not the age of the hero but of the villain. It is an age where the good guy truly will finish last – if he finishes at all. It is an age when the man of honor and integrity is laughed at and shunned for his loyalties and his pride and for his beliefs – it is the age of the victim where the man who has built a successful life is portrayed as the oppressor and the dignified hard working traditionalist is the equivalent of a member of the NAZI party… insane, I know. But this is the world we live in – where good men surrender their dignity to board an airplane and silence their true feelings just to hold onto their miserable jobs. Remember (name) we live in a world where women do not want nice guys, a world where the women that cry rape culture sweep the raping of Europe under the rug… a world where the kids that occupied Wall Street throw their full support for a woman that had all the financial backing of Wall Street and the Globalist elite… No, the good things you do for the world or for others will only be remembered by men of honor and those men are few and hard to find.

My last mentor, Dagmar’s father, is a man that became successful by helping other men. He became important by taking lost young men and turning them into men of honor and built a network of business men, attorneys, doctors, politicians, financiers, brokers and bankers, and even soldiers and a hustler here and there. He got to where he is by doing favors and collecting on those favors, not by collecting other men’s secrets but by sharing his own and sharing his vast network of disciples with – his vast network of disciples, of course… Don’t know why he took me in – nor why the other men that helped me helped me when they did – they were men I never asked anything of, but they helped me up, dusted me off and took me in and tried to teach me something – I know I was a stubborn and difficult pupil and went about taking the long hard road to learn the lessons they tried to help me avoid… but I got there eventually. The Master pointed me in the direction and gave me space and time to absorb and learn and made himself available to ask all the questions I needed to ask and provided me with the best answers he could give and if there was something he could not answer, together we would find the solution – it is the way he did things. He showed me his world, his life… his reality and made me believe it was in reach for someone like me… I did not accept his offer to go study under another man which he had helped – a man in his network of disciples and learn to make a living in a respectable field as the others… I had to do things on my own – but, I do wish I had decided back then on the life I wanted and taken him up on the offer and gone to work in a brokerage back then instead of doing it alone.

Earl Nightingale tells us that success is “the progressive realization of a worthy goal” and that success is a man doing what he wants to do because that is what he wanted to do and he is doing a good job at it – very true words as far as my own beliefs and I do not compare my life to others – I do not compare what I have or what I do not have… how I live and how I do not live to the lives of others… I live my life in pursuit of the life I wish to have and form and shape my reality into the way I want it in accordance to the life of the man I wish to be… But (name), this also is true, and it is true for the most humble of men to the most powerful of men in the measurement of success and I learned this from my teacher – it is not something he told me or ever hinted at, it is something I learned from observation and the only thing that I do use to measure my own success… in comparison to other men, that is – the number of men you can rely on to help you out – no questions asked, when you find yourself  in need of assistance no matter what that might be… and there it is. You do not need to be a powerful man. You do not need to be a wealthy man, but in life, sometimes shit happens and when it happens, who can you call on, knowing without a doubt, that the one you call on will be there for you. For Dagmar’s father, I am, as many other men scattered around the world ready to offer the man my help in any way shape or form if it is needed with out him having to ask -no questions asked, I am there. The same goes for the other men that helped me… even if all debts of honor have been payed in full.

A man can do anything alone and be answerable to no man, he can build his life without debts to another and be proud of what he has accomplished in the world and the life he built and many have done just that, unfortunately, many of those man only have their financial success and their material wealth by which they define their lives and if they were to lose it all they have nothing in this world – because they did it alone and in their minds they were the penthouse apartment, they were the Bentley, they were the brand tagged on their inside coat pocket. They are nothing without the fame, the prestige and the attention. They are nothing without the hangers on and the ass kissers riding the free-loader express… nothing. But on the other hand – the man with a tribe behind him to help him up when the chips are down who have little concern for your ego but allows you the dignity of face that will offer you a job to help you get back on your feet, a place to rest in exchange for work around the farm, a contact in a foreign city to help get you out of a pickle… that in itself is worth a couple of pounds of gold for certain men of honor.

For the most part – I have done it all alone and I had, at one point, defined my life by material possessions and the digits in my bank account. Fortunately (or unfortunately), life knows when to kick a man in the dick, and I know what it is to be out on the street and I know what it is to not have a penny in your pocket and what it is like to go without warmth and food and the kind word of a friend and out of pride (and stupidity) I would not even call my family for help. But I rose up – it took a long time and it was a struggle and I did find help along the way, but I can now honestly say that at forty seven I am basically the same kid I was when I was seventeen… a bit more quiet, dark sense of humor, loner, still suspicious and paranoid and trust very few people, I have a tendency to slip into self destructive periods of not giving a fuck about anything and anyone and I am still looking for Jesus everywhere I go and a little bit of beauty in the world to sooth the demon in me that wants to burn it all to the ground… and if I lost it all and had to start over again I would be the same man I am in the dark shadow as I am in the bright light. I am the same man I am with a fashion model as I am with a waitress, the same man I am with my gang as I am with my family… if I had no money I would be the same man, the only difference between the character of the boy I was when I was seventeen and the man I am today is that today I know how to make money and if I lost it all again I would just pick myself up, dust myself off and get to work getting it back – you see, once you have learned how, you can’t unlearn it, but as far as the consistency of my character… it wont change any more – this is who I am and this is what you get – also (name) this is import, and it’s a truth that will help you very much in the long run with women and their shit tests – they want to see that consistency of your character – if the first impression of you is a strong willed bad boy… that is what they want you to be for ever, they want you to do what you say you will do, say what you mean and mean what you say, do not bend or break for them or anyone else – that is the point of the shit test – can I break this man… will he change for me… is the will of his character strong enough… does he define his life by what he has or is it something deeper within that can not be taken away and will not be surrendered – it is why women have no respect for weak men that kiss their ass and why they do not appreciate anything you do for them or give them just because they asked for it… a man with a strong will of character is the kind of man that others want to be lead by – a man who can make a hard decision with out hesitation and answer for his mistakes later but with out regrets… this I have learned in my life. The other difference in my life from the boy to the man is the tribe I have built and the men I have gathered around me that I might never find myself without someone to rely on at three in the morning with no questions asked to help my out of a pickle – no matter what that might be.

This past year I have been corresponding with many new friends online giving advice and trying to solve problems and coming up with solutions to remedy the madness of the world… I hope I am proving valuable answers. When I was young there was no ‘Return of Kings’ there was no ‘Roosh V Forum’ there was no Victor Pride and all of these other countless resources for young men to go to to find help and advice from men that have been there and men that are doing it – from getting women to making money. Since others started to e-mail me with enquiries and asking for advice I have tried to help them all. I have not refused but one request for advice – I feel bad about that one but I felt I was not ready to give advice but it turns out that I am – but that final judgement is yours, if there is something I do not have the answer to we will try to find it together or find another in the network that can… that is what I am trying to build – aside from the tribe, a network… as my teachers had built. I can only hope that I can do as good of a job as they did and that before I slam the door on a young man, I will at least have a helpful word of advice for him before I do so.

 art by

Pam Powell