It was something in her smile...
You know the way we smile at someone when we try to convince them that we are fine... the smile we try to give when we can’t convince ourselves of the lies we repeat to no-one there in the dark... and when the ghosts of the past return to remind you that what that was... in those moments... was real...
That smile... was the way she smiled at me... and I knew...
That I... somehow... am the one that broke her heart...
And all I could do was just look at her... I could not smile and I could not pretend... an she knew it... she knows that I miss her... and... she knows that I want her... and she knew that to see her with another man... was the thing that would make me let her go... forever... and that, I think, was why she smiled the way she did...
And I just stared at her until I could not look at her any more... and what-ever hope I had left in me that I could convince her to go away with me... to come back to me... and we would find a way to chase my dreams closer to where she wanted me to be... faded away... leaving only the aroma of what might have been... the way the smoke of those church candles lingers on you long after you’ve left the cathedral... but you notice that you can’t stop inhaling that phantom smoke that follows you... and you hold it in the back of your throat afraid that if you breath out... you’ll never get another whiff... I turned to walk away... but... and I’m not sure why...
I turned back to look at her one more time...
But she would not look back up at me... and I stepped back out into the night.
I don’t even know what I was doing out - I had no intentions of really going anywhere or doing anything. I left my crew back in El Paso - our meeting was finished and I headed into Juarez... but when I got to my place I did not want to be alone... no... I did want to be alone... that was why I returned to Juarez - just to be left alone... but then... I started thinking about Carmen... and then I tried to remember certain things about Veronica... but those memories are fading faster than I can grab at them... and though I wrote all those memories down in a book somewhere... I am afraid that ghost just might not be coming back anymore... and then Daniela’s face falls on my mind the way the snow covered the mountains a few days ago - it just showed up out of nowhere and for no apparent reason... just another uninvited guest to the party that we have to pretend we’re glad showed up... and let’s just be as cordial as we can be until they leave - but don’t leave me alone with them... and what started out as a small private affair... with my favorite girls got out of hand - and others kept showing up... some just dropped in for a quickie... others loitered about longer than they should have... some promised it would be the last time if I would just give them a little more time and hear them out... some were quite persuasive - they always were... and because I am a selfish bastard... I let them believe... they were seducing me - because I always did... some showed up just to pick a fight and one or two hid in the shadows... and couldn’t find a thing to say... well... the only thing we really had in common was the love we made... but it was good to see you again... even if I can’t remember your names... and Rebecca was there... and Carolina... and Sofia... and a very lovely girl named Inez... oh, my sweet Inez... I would say I am sorry... but you were not as innocent as you made out to be... Natalie and Camilla where in the kitchen mixing drinks - make mine a double... no ice... and somehow... just like before... Camilla distracted me from Carmen... and it didn’t take long to realize that Natalie was hanging around because she was kinky like that... and if things are going to get out of hand... aren’t I glad she’s still here?
“Look - you all enjoy yourselves... I need to pack”
“But, Tito... you already packed... your bag’s waiting for you on the other side of the bridge...” that shy - fragile voice...
“I know baby doll... but I am going in the opposite direction... now...”
“Are you coming back home to me...” her voice squeaks like the echo of a mouse in the cupboard... that frightened, delicate voice...
I turn to face the mirror and Dagmar is standing behind me... “That would be a very bad idea, chief...”
I can see another shadow behind Dags... but it is not hers - “my bad ideas are just beginning...”
“Well... you should drink some more... and start over again in the morning where you should be...”
“Where I should be?”
She looks at me puzzled - “Boss...”
I turn around and she has faded away... and the house has gone silent... and that hazy shadow in my room... turns to vapor... and it has that smokey smell... the herbs... and the teas... and the soaps... that followed Veronica... and sometimes seep out of the gauzy cloth wrapped around those wound she left on this old torn up soul of mine... but those smells no longer give me any comfort... not that they ever really did... they only annoy me like the far away giggles of those mean little girls that teased me when I was an awkward boy... I looked down at the bag on my bed and could not remember packing it... and for a while I did not remember how I got to Juarez... so I stepped out into the city to find lips to loose myself in... arms to wrap my self up in as I drown in someone else’s lies and whispers and perfumes and kisses I can disregard in the morning... something meaningless to chase away the meaning of this lonely night...
And that was when I saw her... Sandra... and that was when she smiled that smile... and the meaning of it all just got lost somewhere between her insecurity and my desperation... and I just came back home... and sat in my room staring at my packed bag... not sure where I will be tomorrow...
But tonight...
tonight... I can only wonder... will Valentina be waiting for me...
like she said she would...
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