Does this have to be so complicated...

Cold Sunday afternoon. Nothing to do but stay in bed... come back to bed and lay in silence with me... we don’t have to make love... we don’t have to speak... just lay here and let me try to read your thoughts... you’re wandering around the room lost and confused waiting for me to ask you what’s wrong... but I know what’s wrong. You’re trying to trick me into a conversation I don’t want to have - you have been acting strange for quite some time now... you have gotten too emotionally attached to me... you have become jealous of my mistresses - money, freedom, and art... you have that look in your eyes again like the first weeks we started our affair... I thought I had lost you for a moment there... but you have come back... with more kindness... more passion... more love... and love - it seems - is the problem...

You have been acting more like what I image you would be like as a wife... much more wonderful than you already are... as I imagine it.. You allow me more freedom and time to myself, though I know you would rather I spend that time with you... you defend my actions to your friends now, you protect me from their attacks, though you don’t have to - If I worried about what others thought of me and what I do... I would not have any money... and I would be as miserable as others... You do things now for me that I would never ask you to do... you want to cook for me... pick up my dry-cleaning... and run my errands... but of course... I wont let you...
You have always been very womanly... very feminine... very kind and gentle... and I have always been grateful and appreciative for it... you are unique among the women of this world I live in and any man would be glad to have you... and I am glad... and proud... that others know you are my woman... you are my woman aren’t you? Every one knows you are my girl. I can’t go anywhere without people asking about you - they ask more about you than they did about Rebecca - I guess everyone just likes you more... but they know you are mine... and all your jealous friends know that you are mine - they don’t ask about me “your boyfriend that’s never with you” - but they all know... you belong to me... but... do I belong to you... is the idea that some one has been putting into your head...
And you want to know... do I belong to you... am I your man? You know how I spend my time alone... you know what I do for money and how I do it... you know where I will be when I am not with you and where to find me if you need me... you know that I have no friends to compete for your time and you know I don’t chase women... but you know that I don’t have to chase women... you came to me - remember... and you know that Rebecca chased me as well... but you know... and damn it... you know this... I enjoy being with you... I am grateful for the time I spend with you - I always tell you that - I always show you that... and how often do I ask you to go away with me on my trips... if you can’t go - you can’t go... what can we do about that? I will give you more time if that is what you want... but you and I both know that what you want is more than just my time... time will not solve this problem...

Baby... just come back to bed...

Was it yesterday... or the day before... you didn’t need to hear me say “I love you...” But today you need it... you never needed more than me to desire you... you never needed more than my passion for you... you never needed more than for me to want you... have you grown tired of all the work you must do to get me to release my lust for you... I am a hard man to please some times... but you like it like that... at least you did yesterday... or the day before... when you were quite happy with our little arrangement in the kitchen... I’ll make love to you and feed you... but you clean up the mess... you were fine yesterday... or the day before... when you spent all your time with your friends and showed up at my door at one in the morning needing me to make love to you... and you were fine the next day when you rushed out the door to get to work like the so many times I left you sleeping to get to some meeting or conference call online... you were fine... but today... you need me to tell you that I love you...

Baby... just come back to bed...

We don’t need to make love... we don’t need to speak...

I’ll cook for you when you get hungry... I’ll make love to you when you need to feel me inside of you... I’ll fill your head with pretty words when you need to hear them and I’ll seduce you and charm you when you need me to make you feel like a woman... just like I always have... but you don’t need to make things so complicated... you just need to come back to bed...

te quiero...

Tus manos son mi caricia

mis acordes cotidianos

te quiero porque tus manos

trabajan por la justicia

si te quiero es porque sos

mi amor mi cómplice y todo

y en la calle codo a codo

somos mucho más que dos

tus ojos son mi conjuro

contra la mala jornada

te quiero por tu mirada

que mira y siembra futuro

tu boca que es tuya y mía

tu boca no se equivoca

te quiero porque tu boca

sabe gritar rebeldía

si te quiero es porque sos

mi amor mi cómplice y todo

y en la calle codo a codo

somos mucho más que dos

y por tu rostro sincero

y tu paso vagabundo

y tu llanto por el mundo

porque sos pueblo te quiero

y porque amor no es aureola

ni cándida moraleja

y porque somos pareja

que sabe que no está sola

te quiero en mi paraíso

es decir que en mi país

la gente vive feliz

aunque no tenga permiso

si te quiero es porque sos

mi amor mi cómplice y todo

y en la calle codo a codo

somos mucho mas que dos.

Mario Benedetti

without you...

this is not a love letter

Did you find me by accident... or have you been looking for a while... was it some mistake that brought you here or did some old friend give away my secret... some old friend? I have no old friends - so whatever the people I once knew have told you about me... I will guarantee it is not the whole story... but perhaps you will take whatever story you can get - as you will ever only get half a story if any story at all... and from me... well, my side of the story has been re-arranged so many times I don’t even know the truth any more... But what is it that you are looking for? Why have you come back... to read poems you’ve read over and over... and over again... are you hoping for something new... something that might help you get through the night... were you hoping to perhaps read that I am a wreck without you and that I just cannot go on... with out you... I have moved on... but if you must know... it was not an easy thing to do... you wore me out... you took too much out of me... too much emotion... too many dreams... too many hopes... and too much time that went absolutely no where... I am sorry for only two things - that I was never able to show you that you were all I ever wanted... just to be alone with you - was all I ever wanted... and I am sorry that I never knew what it was that you wanted from me... I would have liked for you to have been the one that got the absolute best of me... the one that helped me to reach my destiny... but... many times you showed me that you did not need me... you did not believe me - or in me - and so, I did keep many things from you... not bad things, just personal things - but I kept things from all those people I called my friends that all ended up betraying my trust... so if you must believe their side of the story - go ahead - I will not waste my time with my side of the story... it is after all - mine. I know I was the one that left - I left you... I just couldn’t go on with you anymore... I stopped trusting you a long time before that... I have learned to go with my feelings... I held on to you because I thought I could not get any better than you... It took me a long time to learn that I could - in fact, I have thrown away better women than you... and unfortunately I had to sleep with too many women before I could let go of the last traces of your memory... I needed all those women... I had lost my confidence... I lost myself respect... my dignity... my pride... I gave up... I just gave up... all I wanted to do was stick my face into a brick of cocain and drink all night and day... and fuck... every woman I could find... and I did...

There... I said it...

But... These things I needed... these things, believe it or not, helped make me who and what I am now... There was a time in Chicago when I lived in my car and times in other countries when I had no place to sleep... no money and no friend... I needed this... It made me stronger... it made me smarter... it helped me to find out just what I am made of... it built my character and taught me to be grateful for the kindness of strangers... and for the little things I had left... I am not the man you knew... nothing about me is the person you once knew - my name is not even the same... I don’t even know if you knew what my real name was... it is the name I use now - it is who I am - I am who I am meant to be - and I have learned and accepted that you were not meant to be part of this life - though, I would have liked it very much if you could have been...

I have never told any woman other than you that I love her... even the ones I have felt love for... I never told Veronica I loved her... and she is the woman that taught me what love is... but I did not learn that lesson until after she had died... and for all the things she taught me and all the love she tried to give me... and all the tears she shed for me and because of me... and all that she shared with me... and tried to show me about life and love and GOD... I never thanked her... even when I knew she would not be around for long... I never thanked her... and I never told her I loved her... it was not until I arrived from the hospital alone to an empty apartment that I realized... what I gave her was love... the love I had left inside of me... was all that I had to give her... and she took it... and she brought out the best of me... dreams I thought I had lost and forgotten... words I had abandoned... she saved me... she gave me reasons to do the things I did - she was my reason... but I did not know it until she was gone... I have charmed some of the loveliest women in the world... I have kissed all the lips I have set out to kiss... I have been with models and actresses and dancers... I have been with very accomplished women and I have been with whores... I have been with women I could have spent the rest of my life with... I have given some women more than I ever gave you... more than I ever could, I think... I have been given more from some women than you could have ever given me... I have abandoned women that changed their lives for me... and women that would have killed for me... and I never told a single one of them that I loved her... but all the women since Veronica got more passion than I ever gave to you... I had to, you see, I made a promise... and of all the promises I made to Veronica... to live and love like there is no tomorrow is one I have tried not to break... I haven’t always been a good man... nor have I always been kind... but I have lived and loved with passion... I have written words that I left behind in hotel rooms and bars around the world that I will never find again... like the moments of love and kisses that got lost in the chaos of my mind... but all these things were filled with passion... all those moments will be what I will be remembered for by many...

It is strange now to think that I let my world fall apart because of you - It is strange that it was Veronica that pulled me out of the abyss... The life we live is the result of the choices and decisions that we make... I made my choice when I left you... I made the decision to leave you... I have lived with that, I have accepted that, I am actually glad now for that... My life without you has been pretty awesome... sure, I would have like to have avoided certain wars... the homelessness I could have done without and most of the women were unnecessary... and the drugs and booze were a waist of time and money... but I wouldn’t change a thing... I would not have met Veronica... she would not have saved me...she would not have taught me all that she did... I would not be the man I am today... though I am still a work in progress... I am becoming the man I am meant to be... but there is no room for you in this life of mine... no room for you in my memories and in my dreams... I made my choice... and you made yours... so go to the life you live without me... and I will live the life I live without you... I am sorry for any promises that I made you that I could not keep... but I made a promise to another... and even though she is not here anymore... I have to keep moving until I get to where she wanted me to be... I have gotten so far without her... and even further I have gone... without you...

When she forgives me...

She forgives my late night insanities... my tormented nights trying to charm and seduce the words that taunt my simple mind... She forgives my unexpected trips to unnamed cities to meet with clients without faces who have more money than social graces... but they pay well... so she forgives my last minute phone calls to the other side of the world to insure that there is a place to fall back to when the first world collapses... She forgives the photos and files of beautiful women piled on my desk from photographers, and film makers and producers who aren’t really too sure of what it is they want to do or how to do it... She forgives the women from my past... the ones from long ago that have not forgiven me for the man I used to be... that do not know a God damn thing about who I am today... and she lets them treat me like the garbage I used to be... She forgives my need for poetry... for the words I never said... to the women I wish had stayed a little longer in my bed... she forgives my lack of possessions and knows why I travel as light as I can - physically and spiritually... because mentally... I’m carrying a heavy load... she forgives my need for beauty... my need to hold certain objects and the hours I must spend reading the same passages and scrutinizing the details of certain works of art... she knows the more I love the things I see... the more I will see the things I love... and this beauty will be transformed into the love we make... so... she forgives my need for beauty... but she does not forgive the kisses I steal without giving back... the look of lust I drown her in that leads nowhere when I am called away too often... she does not forgive the mornings I leave her side before she rises without saying good-bye... she does not forgive... my lack of interest in her days... the hours she spends without me... she does not forgive my lack of pity for those who will not take advantage of the opportunities life offers... she does not forgive my nonchalant attitude towards the day before me... she thinks my philosophies strange... and worries too much about tomorrow... She forgives my need to brood over cities I may never see again... but she does not forgive the visions of those cities I use to seduce her with... She forgives my melancholy seductions... and my operatic demonstrations of the affection I have for her... but she does not forgive the fact that I will not let her completely into my world... She does not forgive the secrets that I keep... and the kisses I hold back... the love I hide from her and the life I will not be able to give her... She forgives me for the moments I do not think of her... but she does not forgive the nights I do not take care of her... the nights I don’t call to make sure she ate well and let her vent her troubles out on me... She forgives me for spoiling her with the good things I do for her... but she does not forgive the nights I am not there to cook for her, and dance with her, and read to her... after I have made love to her... the nights I am not there to comfort her and lay in silence with her... and when I have to... even lie to her...