WHO WOULD SAVE THE WORLD?

by 

Amanda Vasquez

I’d lock you up in my heart’s cage
Protect you from the flames that rage
inside your mind, from age to age...
But who would save the world?...

I’d keep you in my arms to hold
Give you my tears to turn to gold
and never let you ever grow old...
But who would save the world?...

I gave you my sadness, you gave me your smile
For this I’ve crossed hundreds of miles
Loving you silently all the while
Because you’ve saved MY world.

And when you think of your splendid muse
know that although her love you can’t lose
she has to go on and sadly refuse...
For who would save the world?

received: 3/31/2001

The only poem a women has ever written me

and to this day, the best damn rejection I have ever 

been given from any woman...

and why should I care...

This isn’t going to make sense... as if any thing posted here does...
I am just writing this down for myself... to get it out of my mind... or try to sort it out... I don’t know why... it just has to be filed away... and forgotten until I am an old and lonely man... too weak and stupid to even chase young girls on the beaches of Thailand...

I saw Elena yesterday... She is the girl I was seeing in Juarez - go back into the blog a few girls back to read about her... if I blogged on a regular basis I might be able to keep track of all the girls I have known and forgotten  - but since I don’t, it is hard for me to explain it all even to myself - I tried to keep a list of names - of all the women I went through last year but I just gave up on that project... it was pointless to try and remember or figure out who any of them are - since they are not around any longer and probably want to have nothing to do with me anyway... I will say this... last year - counting one night stands, I had more than 50 but less than 60 women (from my count) not bad for a man that just turned 45 - from my point of view - others would say - you just turned forty five... when are you going to get married... settle down... I say why should I - that ship sailed away years ago... I don’t want to get married... haven’t come across the one that deserves to get that much from me... but I do think about it... with certain women... but then... the next one comes along...

Some women drive me absolutely crazy - I gotta have ‘em... unfortunately - a lot of the women that I want - don’t want me... such is life... no worries... another one will be along shortly... when I really like a girl I make the mistake of being nice to her and showing her kindness - classic mistakes that I still make being in the States... and I end up expressing my feelings... letting them know... I’m a no bullshit kind of guy so - I don’t care how I come across... and I get rejected... no big deal just move on... The girl I was lusting over was “Crazy Hair” - the girl I wrote about in “She makes me want to do stupid things” and “If I had said - I love you”  - she is a young girl - 17 at the time - and I really enjoyed her company... I wanted her... in a terribly obscene manner... I have no problem saying this... I would have kicked Satan in the dick for this girl...  I would have sold my soul for this girl... or at the very least participate in a satanic  ritual for her... but thankfully - my satanic orgy ritual days are far behind me... but deep and strong was my lust for Crazy Hair... just thinking about her right now is giving me an erection... and I will think about her fondly for some time to come... for as I said... she is - magic... and will go on the very short lists of the ones that got away... but I told her... not giving a damn about Heaven and Hell and the world in between... I told her... how I felt and what I wanted... she was only 17 but just a few days away from turning 18... she said she needed or wanted more than my lust and desire for her... or perhaps she just didn’t know how to react... and was freighted away... but... I am pretty sure she rejected me...  But God damn!!!... what my life might have been like with a girl like that... I told myself and her that I would pursue her despite of her rejections... but I did not... my desire and lust may not have faded but I let it go... I let her go... for I believe, given time... I could have seduced this girl into my world... but... I let her slip away and I moved on to the next one... but let me clear this up - I was kinda-sort-of-maybe- in some form or another involved with another girl at the time I was lusting over Crazy Hair... we’ll call her “ La Chica Mariposa”  - Chica Mariposa is a bit of a gold digger - and was only with me for social status and to try to get gifts and whatever else she could get out of me... it only took a few nights out with her to figure out her game... I used her body up as much as I could but she got little other than dick from me... bless her soul, she did try hard... but all the while I was composing rock operas for Crazy Hair in the dark of the night... in my crowded, empty bed... Valentines day had come around and I totally forgot all about it and Chica Mariposa for that matter... though on the day after I tried to make up for it... she wanted to have nothing to do with me any more... enter Judith... Chica’s friend that I had met a couple of times and had placed on the reserves list for when I get rid of Chica and in case the Crazy Hair affair does not go as I plan... everything falls apart and Judith and I have been together since the day after I posted “If I had said - I love you”.  (Am I starting to sound like a prick right about now... read on...)  Just a few days after I had brought Judith - her real name - into the circle I had to go out of town to meet with a client and took her with me... I took her away for a week end to Corpus Christi and we also spent a couple of days up in Ruidoso, New Mexico... I like her and we get along pretty good... I thought she was twenty years old but it has been revealed that she has only recently turned 19... this was revealed on the night of my birthday on the 6th, when we went out for dinner and she had gotten a hotel room on the other side of town where I thought she was going to get me drunk and take full advantage of me... because up to this point - a couple of weeks of being together I still had not slept with her... and I wasn’t ever really trying to... but she got us a hotel room and gives me her virginity.... I know!!! that’s a pretty good birthday gift... though I think I enjoyed it more than she did... but since that night she seems eager to want to learn more and try more... who the hell am I to deny her this... well, Judith had avoided Chica Mariposa at all costs but when Chica found out that Judith was with me all hell broke loose... and when Chica found out that I had been taking trips and bringing Judith along... Chica lost her fucking mind... I never took her anywhere... they don’t speak to each other any more and Chica is going around town trashing Judith’s reputation - telling everyone that Judith is a gold digging slut and is only using me... and that “you should watch your man around Judith... because she took my man away from me...”  blah... blah... fucking blah...

Judith, the 19 year old former virgin is petite with olive skin and almond eyes, she has long light brown hair and looks more Persian than Mexican - a look that many Latin women have... and that I like very much... she cut my hair - not very well but what the hell does she know about cutting men’s hair - she is studying cosmetology - is that a word? - She tells me several times that she does not care what Chica tells people about us because everyone that knows her knows how Chica is and especially how she is with men and that people mostly worry about me corrupting her - apparently people believe me to be the type of man that corrupts innocent young ladies... I know it does bother her what Chica says because she has brought the subject up a few times... and also - the part about me corrupting her... Judith always greets me with a big happy smile - a genuinely friendly smile... she hugs me tight... and is very passionate... she feeds my ego which means she will be around for a while... I like her... and pretty soon this like may turn into lust... if she does indeed happen to stick around that long... she just might have it in her to become... magic...

So yesterday - we are out and about and I spot Elena and Alejandro - refer to older posts - and Elena and I make eye contact... I hold her gaze until she looks down... Alejandro has his arm around her waist and pulls her in close to him when he realizes who I am... and they turn to walk in the opposite direction - they were walking right towards us... as they turned around Elena tried to look back but her body just would not let her as Alejandro was firm with his grip and resolution for her not to see me... I heard him say something concerning me as they turned around... I stood there for a while and watched them walk away... like I was about to go into a dream but Judith speaks... “did you love her?” I snap out of it and look deep into her eyes... I think I loved the idea of her more than anything - I said... I never wrote about what happened after Elena left - but according to the grape vine, She and Alejandro eloped... four days after she left me... but if you go back and read one of the posts I wrote about Elena - at on point there was a bit of confusion of whether she had left Alejandro for me... or if indeed she had left Alejandro at all... I have no problem admitting that I am an ass-hole... and I expect no sympathy from the world... but fuck... sure, I used Elena as my personal sex toy... she was hot and had an amazing body... and we both enjoyed each other - except for the time she went crazy - everything was good... but I never fucking know if I am the other man - or if I am in fact the main man... since Elsa... I have never trusted a woman completely... not with my money, my emotions, and my secrets... Elsa took all that away from me  - since Elsa I have never known where I stood in a relationship - was I "the guy" or "the other guy"... I have not had a relationship with a woman that has lasted as long as the relationship I had with Elsa... and I have not met a woman that would put up with my ways as much as Carmen did.... and I have not met a woman that I have cared about as much as I did for Veronica... and I probably never will... and who cares...

I am a 45 year old man dating a 19 year old girl... and I am going to enjoy it for as long as it lasts... and when she leaves me for another or I have to get rid of her because she tries to change me... or some other bullshit... who is going to care... this is my reality when it comes to women... did I create it... or am I just the product of it...

And...

Why should I care...

By the way... I would give it all up for Crazy Hair... if anybody cares...

a lonely apartment...

There is a small studio apartment in the market district of an old romantic city that is falling apart but refuses to let go of the dreams and schemes that have been caught between its floorboards.  In this little studio, hanging on the walls and standing in rows arranged by decade are works of art I have collected through out my lonely travels all these years, some are covered and wrapped in blankets and some just lay bare collecting dust... some hide behind gold colored frames and some just linger without presumption the way I found them... some have increased in value quite a bit and some have been lost and forgetten by time and will never find a home but for the one I have given... some still effect me the way they did when I first found them and some have learned to haunt me as old lovers that I abandoned too soon... somewhere in the world are pieces I wish I had not parted with... looking back at those choices - I should have stayed with the art instead of taking the money...  In this little room there is also a shelf filled with old books - very old... they were there when I took the apartment and have read but only a few of them... I will not throw them out and they fill the apartment with the smell that old books acquire with time... there is a desk in the center which I stack newer books that I just drop off when I come and go along with files that may be of importance some day... there is an old leather arm-chair that looks more like rust than burgundy... a twin bed that seems to retain the smell of whoever the last girl that I brought here was - though I can not remember her name or her face... but there is a hint of No. 5 in the air... I don’t usually bring anyone here... but a man gets urges... and though I try to keep this little room a secret - I have, on occasion, paraded my harem and my whores in and out these doors... There is an old Hi-Fi system in one corner with a turn table and old symphonic recordings with a few jazz records here and there - also remnants left behind from a previous occupant... there is a small wash room but no kitchen... I have improvised by building a small counter to hold an electric griddle and a rice cooker, I put a small refrigerator underneath and a cabinet to house pots and plates and assorted spirits... I have secretly managed to keep this little corner of the universe to myself - come good times and bad, sickness and health, richer or poorer... for close to ten years now - it is the longest relationship I have ever had... it has been there for me whether I have needed it or not... it has hidden me and protected me and my collections all these years... it is all mine... it is the only place that I have ever managed to maintain a steady and reliable rent payment on... it is my fortress of solitude... my sanctuary from this world drowning in chaos... every once in a while I show up - unannounced to the landlord... and pour myself a drink... put on a record - some sad and melancholy piece... unwrap the art and admire it all by my self... I’ll stay for two to three days alone - hidden away from the world with the stories I’ll never share and art I am trying hard to keep from prying eyes... and just be alone - for the world drains me... society takes more energy than it gives... my family... women... those I work with... drain me... but... don’t try to find it... you simply wont... and if you think this is where I will be when the shit hits the fan or when I simply decide to vanish for ever... no... It wont be here... but it will always be here... perhaps I’ll leave my collection behind as others did before me... for another wandering romantic to enjoy... it will always be here... tonight... I blow out the candles and enjoy the scent of fading pages... the whisper of fine music... and the lonely brush strokes of forgotten artists...

not the studio - but very much like it.

and if I had said - I love you?

And if I had said  - that I love you...

How would you have responded... pretty much the same way I would suspect...

I did not mean to cause you embarrassment or make you uncomfortable... usually I express my feelings by writing them out and leaving them behind in lonely hotel rooms or cafes for house maids and waiters to discard along with dirty dishes... If I had said - I love you... would you have looked at me differently... could I have held your gaze a little bit longer... could I have found myself lost in that crazy hair... If I had said - I love you... would you have found an excuse to run away with me... instead of not running away... to show you the world that you want to find... If I had said - I love you... if I had said - I love you...

I have not said those words to a woman in a very long time... a very... long time... and I have only really loved one woman in my life - unfortunately the woman that I loved to the point of madness was not the one I was saying those words to... and the woman who taught me - or tried to teach me what love is - simply was not given enough time to pull those words out of me, for I had abandoned those dreams before she came along... I have given my heart to one... my soul to another... and what ever I had left of any love  there was to give to yet another... but I do not need to love you to care about you... I do not need to love you to admire you... I do not need to love you to desire you... to want you... to use you for my selfish reasons to inspire me to greater heights... to coax the magic and the poetry from the solace of the night... I do not need to love you to draw your face in notebooks and on tables and on lonely corridor walls... I do not need to love you to use you as an excuse to want to change the world... to want to be better and do better and to give a damn about something and some one other than me... I do not need to love you... to want to be close to you... just to sit in silence with you... and know that we breathe in unison and we share the same space in a brief moment in time... I do not need to love you... to ache for you... to tear at the dawn of the day looking for the inspiration of you... to howl in madness at the moon waiting for the sent of you... to crawl through the barbed wire chaos of my mind to find these words for you... I do not need to love you...

but...

if I had said - I love you...