I plan on planning ahead...

I plan to care less about the world and care more about myself...

I plan to invest more in myself and less in the markets of the world...

I plan to build my farm - though I might not spent more than six months there.. because...

I plan to travel more, to explore more... to get lost more...

I plan on buying that boat... and I plan to return to the sea...

I plan on being more creative... more artistic... more philosophical...

I plan on helping others reach their spiritual goals... but only if they ask...

I plan on submitting my writings to others... this will be a first in a long, long time... and I plan on using my real name this time around...

I plan on cleaning out the Deringer Files and making more sense of it all... but I think I have said this before...

I plan to spend more time in nature... in the mountains... near the shore... canoeing down mysterious rivers...

I plan on taking a long journey... perhaps a long railway adventure on the Trans Siberian Express... or a motor-cycle tour in search of the Japan that only exists in my dreams...

I plan on sharing more of my writings on the Deringer Files - I actually write every night... but no one reads any of it but me... it is after all why I started that damn thing...

I plan on spending more time on my own... I need a break from women... This is my mid-life crisis...

I plan on accepting what is as what it is and forgiving what was and was not and letting go of what could have been for what it is I really want...

I might just plan on letting what happens happen as it happens... if things don’t turn out the way I planned them... after all... there might not be a tomorrow...

I plan on being more like him

Grandpa...

she comes and she goes...

She was gone this morning...

She left with all her things and left behind a cold bed and a note that simply said “You are the only one that made me feel beautiful”.

Women have always told me that... and yet... they need more than I am willing to give them... or they just want some one other than me.

Either way - I don’t care.

I don’t.

I did not love her and she always knew that - and perhaps it was that she was falling in love and felt that this relationship wasn’t going to go any-where... but... I’m not sure...

I don’t even know were it was going, but I was willing to find out.  Relationships take time to develop - at least strong ones do... so I imagine.  I have not actually been in a long, serious relationship in quite some time - I think Rebecca and I were together for a year before she called it quits - and I have actually been averaging 3 - 4 relationships per year for the last five or six years... I’m fine with it - women don’t know what they want - they make irrational decisions based on whatever goofy emotion is rolling around in your head at the moment you make them - and though there is some strange logic to whatever it is that you’re after and how you go about pursuing it... I wont even try to figure it out... Of all the women I have ever been with that ended up marrying - not a single one of them married for love - and I know this for a fact.

Anita - I met through her daughter in Waukegan.  The first night we actually had a conversation she had just found out that the man she was involved with was seeing another woman... a week later Anita was mine... I wasn’t looking for any type of relationship at the time as I was already juggling three women then... but she and I got along very well and something about us just clicked.  Anita’s friends would often remark on the change in her since she had been with me and wanted to know what I had done to their friend - she had become stronger and more confident but much more feminine and womanly in her behavior... Anita’s sister in law had remarked that Anita always talked about how I “wined and dined her” which she was not used to - I replied “she behaves... I reward...” which got me called a nasty name... One night Anita told me that she felt like she was just my whore... when I finally got her to tell me why she felt this way it turned out that she was just feeling confused.  According to her I was only the third man she had ever had a relationship with, but it seems that it was the most passionate one she had known thus far, she married young - I suspect because she was pregnant, she confided in me that she did not love her husband and divorced after years of not being happy - but then she ended up in a relationship with a man that has been cheating on her - I told her that if he did it once he will do it over and over and more than likely from all she told me he has probably been seeing other women for a while... I was honest with her about how men think - I had nothing to hide from her - she knew I was seeing other women when we started seeing each other but that came to a stop a week into our relationship - I even offered Anita a key to my Apartment - A first since Veronica.  I assured her that she was not my whore... She came when she wanted and left as she pleased... I was  way too busy  at that time and I preferred to spend my time away from the Restaurant in solitude - alone - that is until Anita came along  - but she had responsibilities and obligations of her own so our time together was limited... so... we wasted no time and got straight down to making love... resting only to reward her with "the wining and the dining”.   Things were going good - there were no problems in our arrangement.  We never argued.  We discussed nothing from our personal lives that did not pertain to our relationship... we would spend Sundays in bed and even thought about leaving for Paris together... we would eat in bed and look at apartments to rent over the internet... she would rub my back and ask me questions about men, the world and my past and accuse me of making it all up... if she did not like my answers... she would lay her head on my chest as I read her my favorite books and would make hurried frantic love to me before she returned to her world...

Anita told me that I was the only man that ever made her feel like a real woman...

Anita married the man she was involved with before me - the one that was cheating on her... It was actually her daughter that informed me of this - the daughter that had introduced us - Anita and I carried on our affair for about a month and a half after she had married until I told her I could no longer go on with this relationship... I had begun to have feelings for her but I would not allow myself to be made a fool of again by another woman... nor would I be humiliated again... perhaps the last night we were together I did make her feel like a whore... The last time I saw Anita, I was closing out the register of the dining room and she was arguing with her husband in the foyer  about how badly his family treated her... not too long after that I packed up and left for Albuquerque...

Here is the thing kids, I am just a bit of a jerk when it comes to women... I didn’t create this game... women did... Perhaps I should give thanks to a woman named Elsa... or blame her... but all the mistakes I ever made with her - I have made damn sure not to ever repeat with another... and though woman don’t know what they want, there is one thing that is for certain, they want a man with confidence... and I got mine from the humiliation I went through with Elsa... I wont get into all that right now but lets just say.. I put up with it because I was a pussy... I don’t know if she knew what she was doing at the time she was doing it or not, but... it shocks me that relationship went on for as long as it did - six years of on again off again chaos... but after going through the humiliation... what the fuck do you have to loose? Not a God damn thing kids... not a God damn thing! And it made me just a little bit of a jerk - that women in the west like so much... now, I don’t go full out and treat women like crap... but I don’t put up with their shit and wont play their games - I’ve made women sleep on the floor and thrown them out just for saying something stupid... I have thrown women out after getting them naked and finding out that they have tattoos... good looking women too... but I don’t like tattoos on women, so they had to go... you don’t know how much pussy comes your way when you throw away beautiful women... they just appear out of  no-where... when women see you with a beautiful woman... the next one will just be better looking... and so will the one after her... and they get younger as well... I once thought that I couldn’t live with out Elsa... but it turns out that I could... and women just come and go... they only get better - sometimes a crazy one will come along... but for the most part... they get better... and I have always tried to leave them in better shape than when I found them - for the next guy... but sometimes it doesn’t work out... and I have also learned in all these years that really beautiful women - physically beautiful women, have the worst personalities... I try not to get involved with a woman that is over a seven on my rate scale... but once in a while I will bag that 10 or 11...

Elena... she was a 10+... but I never told her she was beautiful... I never tell women they are beautiful... and I don’t give them poetry... these are just for you...

After our night out with her friends  - the night of the incident... I had made it perfectly clear that if she wants to be my woman - she better act like she is my woman... She cooked for me and she cleaned for me and she ironed for me... in all the time Elsa and I were together I can count the times she cooked for me on one hand... in fact the thing that sticks out in my head is one morning in Lubbock, Texas that I stayed the night at her place and she told me to wake up and eat at once because she was not going to cook again for me if I sleep in... I was a pussy and I did as she said... since her, I have never expected a women to do anything womanly for me... they have just been around for fucking... very few women in my life in the last sixteen years have ever cooked and cleaned and ironed for me... they were my women... and I will carry the memory of them fondly and lovingly with me until the day I die...

I don’t know why Elena decided to leave... and I don’t care... she has her reasons... her logic... good luck to you, Elena... you can’t come back... you know that... we can only go forward... they come and they go, kids... I don’t care...

And that is the secret to getting laid in the west... don’t worry about the women - chase your passions and make something with your life and let them know that you do not need a woman to make you happy... and they will start chasing you... and if your woman gives you problems... let her know without words that you know - she can be replaced...

This post might piss off some people... but I don’t care...

These are the Deringer files...

Ophelia

study

ink on paper

The Handsomest Drowned Man In The World

by

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

...

spoken by

Ian Wilson

...

not enough time...

Not enough time to learn all your dances
Not enough time to sing all your songs
Not enough time to chase all those romances
just not enough time to find where I belong

Not enough time to let go of the sorrow
Not enough time to forget your name
Not enough time to chase after tomorrow
Just not enough time to heal all the pain

Not enough time to tell you I’m sorry
Not enough time to find the right words
Not enough time to tell you my story
Just not enough time to undo all the hurt

Not enough time to find out what love is
Not enough time to show you my heart
Not enough time for another good-night kiss
Just not enough time to make a fresh start