poema de
Mario Benedetti
Saturday, March 21, 2015
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Friday, March 13, 2015
Image
Sometimes I complicate my own life... in my pursuit to simplify my life I let things get out of control... image... seems to be the problem... but as I have now fully adopted an attitude of not giving a damn about anything or anybody other than myself... an experiment that is proving to be quite powerful in accomplishing a great deal of success in another pursuit - my happiness...
The problem of “image” is that it is all to please other people... I would love to be a beach combing hippie and spend my days and nights lounging by the sea surrounded by little brown girls in Thailand... a hippie of means is the best kind... a hippie that has no problem working his ass off now and then to support his lifestyle is the kind of hippie I would be... but most of then are just bums... and I can’t really stand them... I have dated a lot of hippie chicks... and though they are great in bed... they are mostly crazy and seem to not like the fact that I am a capitalist... all women like to be wined and dined but these hippie girls will actually lecture me on the evils of money as they sip on some very expensive wine at a very trendy and pricey restaurant...silly goofy chicks... When I lived in the Waukegan Illinois area... for the longest time I had no furniture... I lived in a good sized studio and looking at it empty resembled a dance studio... I worked too much... at that time I was in the restaurant business... and worked all day I went home to shower and sleep and bang a girl now and then... and that banging happened mostly on the floor... the first pieces of furniture I purchased after a few years of not having none was an antique desk I picked up for $300 and a chair... and I wrote and ate there in my free time... I sat and read there and on occasion - banged a chick or two on the desk as well... as I got more free time and my travels to the city came less and less for pursuing other goals, the women started to nag me about my space... they didn’t seem to want to spend much time there and I did not really care if they came or went and when... mostly if a woman was there it was for one thing - sex... and then they would leave... I bought a bed... and the women... lingered longer... dining table and more chairs and they were staying for breakfast... television and sofa - I’m now having relationships... and complications into my simple life... back then I was also dealing in art and first edition books so I had shelves but they over-flowed to all the corners... I didn’t want all that stuff... but the women needed it and the image of the player bachelor now had to be maintained... and I hated it - it was stupid - for I was doing very well without it...
When I lived in my car - it sucked... because it was a tiny Lazar RX - I wish I had a van... and I have thought many times of getting a van and converting it to a tiny house on wheels -which I could be very comfortable in but the woman just wont dig that sort of thing - well not too many of the women I have become accustomed too... the hippie chicks wont mind it but... the capitalist thing... of course living in a van would be stepping down - as I went for so long without having anything so that I could have now... I sacrificed and gave up luxuries and things I did not need to have money to invest and rebuild my life on my terms... and now I can have and afford pretty much all that I want... comes the house... and you have to fill it with junk... nice expensive pretty junk... that pleases me... the image is there... but this time it’s for me... It is not a big place... like the hide out - it is cozy... the women that I bring home like to linger and lounge around as my surrounding are inviting and pleasing and relaxing... but mostly I spend my time here alone... that is really my image... and despite what one may gather from reading these Deringer Files - my life is not one big spring break orgy...
every night...
The problem of “image” is that it is all to please other people... I would love to be a beach combing hippie and spend my days and nights lounging by the sea surrounded by little brown girls in Thailand... a hippie of means is the best kind... a hippie that has no problem working his ass off now and then to support his lifestyle is the kind of hippie I would be... but most of then are just bums... and I can’t really stand them... I have dated a lot of hippie chicks... and though they are great in bed... they are mostly crazy and seem to not like the fact that I am a capitalist... all women like to be wined and dined but these hippie girls will actually lecture me on the evils of money as they sip on some very expensive wine at a very trendy and pricey restaurant...silly goofy chicks... When I lived in the Waukegan Illinois area... for the longest time I had no furniture... I lived in a good sized studio and looking at it empty resembled a dance studio... I worked too much... at that time I was in the restaurant business... and worked all day I went home to shower and sleep and bang a girl now and then... and that banging happened mostly on the floor... the first pieces of furniture I purchased after a few years of not having none was an antique desk I picked up for $300 and a chair... and I wrote and ate there in my free time... I sat and read there and on occasion - banged a chick or two on the desk as well... as I got more free time and my travels to the city came less and less for pursuing other goals, the women started to nag me about my space... they didn’t seem to want to spend much time there and I did not really care if they came or went and when... mostly if a woman was there it was for one thing - sex... and then they would leave... I bought a bed... and the women... lingered longer... dining table and more chairs and they were staying for breakfast... television and sofa - I’m now having relationships... and complications into my simple life... back then I was also dealing in art and first edition books so I had shelves but they over-flowed to all the corners... I didn’t want all that stuff... but the women needed it and the image of the player bachelor now had to be maintained... and I hated it - it was stupid - for I was doing very well without it...
When I lived in my car - it sucked... because it was a tiny Lazar RX - I wish I had a van... and I have thought many times of getting a van and converting it to a tiny house on wheels -which I could be very comfortable in but the woman just wont dig that sort of thing - well not too many of the women I have become accustomed too... the hippie chicks wont mind it but... the capitalist thing... of course living in a van would be stepping down - as I went for so long without having anything so that I could have now... I sacrificed and gave up luxuries and things I did not need to have money to invest and rebuild my life on my terms... and now I can have and afford pretty much all that I want... comes the house... and you have to fill it with junk... nice expensive pretty junk... that pleases me... the image is there... but this time it’s for me... It is not a big place... like the hide out - it is cozy... the women that I bring home like to linger and lounge around as my surrounding are inviting and pleasing and relaxing... but mostly I spend my time here alone... that is really my image... and despite what one may gather from reading these Deringer Files - my life is not one big spring break orgy...
every night...
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
sweet moment...
I just got back into town a few days ago - El Paso - not my favorite place in the world... but mom is here and it is close to the border for a quick escape... the hustling is good but harder for the competition in all the things that I do to earn my money... before I left to go back to Mexico I met a twenty two year old cashier with a thin and tight athletic body... that I want to get to know better... we went out twice before my trip and made out quite heavily both times... to gauge her reaction, I emailed her from a friends office downtown soon after I crossed the bridge... to let her know I was back and figure out if we were getting together anytime soon... she pinged me as I was checking the rest of my e-mail and we started chatting - said I was hungry for a double cheese burger and was on my way to my favorite burger joint by my place on the west side... she said she would meet me...
I stood in line to get my burger... a middle aged woman with two teenage girls walked in and stood next to me - the woman was way too over weight to be there getting burgers... she had a short boy hair gut and she looked miserable... we made eye contact and she smiled at me... a half embarrassed... half disappointed smile... I did not smile back... as I turn back to the girl at the register I made eye contact with both of her daughters and smiled at them... I place my order grabbed my soda cup and made my way to the soda fountain...
Found a table with a view to the entrances... laid down my shoulder bag and sat down to go through my agenda... marking off ‘to-do’s” and filling in time slots... jotting down ideas... the woman and her daughters passed by but I kept my head buried in my agenda... they sat at a both in front of me where I had a view of all of them... my burger arrived and I would occasionally look up and catch the daughters looking at me and turning to each other to whisper and giggle... noting too that the mother was getting quite annoyed... half way through my meal... I hear the mother say to the oldest daughter... “that’s disgusting... he’s old enough to be your father... in fact he is your father’s age - I want to high school with him...”
Sweet moment... I don’t remember too many people from high school... have no desire to look for any one and play catch up... I could care fucking less about what they are doing now... the only ones I remember are the girls I lusted over and the ones that treated me like shit - they are usually one and the same... but I remember these girls the way I knew them - I have no fantasies of them growing up to be fat and miserable boy hair cut sporting mommas... in my forty five year old fantasies of them... they are still 16 and 17 years old... and I am 45... I do not look like I did in high school... perhaps a little in the face - but I have chiseled out more in the last few years... I have put on muscle and trimmed my belly to get me the abs I have always wanted... I deserve my burger and damn it - I need the meat... I walk a lot, I go on long hikes regularly, I lift and do crunches daily... middle aged momma should not be here eating burger... I don’t know how she would recognize me from almost thirty years - twenty eight years since I left high school - I dropped out... I am not the same boy I was back then... I am not the same boy I was when I left El Paso... I look different... I behave different and I live differently... my loner ways and low tolerance for bullshit are much more amplified... but unless you spent much time with me as a youth - you might not recognize me - but I have been approached in El Paso by people that remember me but I never spoke to when I was young... I don’t seem to mind speaking to those I did not know well back then as opposed to those I called my friends... go figure...
I got up to get another drink... As I am filling up my soda cup the older daughter stands next to me and start to fill up her cup... I look down and smile at her...
“How are you today?” a start the conversation...
“good... how are you?”
“Fantastic...”
She giggles - “Umm... my mom says she was in high school with you... really?” sounding kinda’ unsure of herself or the question...
“I don’t seem to remember your mother... but it might be possible... she doesn’t look familiar...”
Well... she looked different... she was cute... she was popular and her picture is all over the yearbook...’
“Hmm... I never got yearbooks... and I was not popular... so we probably ran with different crowds...”
“She says everyone knew who you were...?”
“They did... ?” - that’s strange I think to myself...
“Uh-hu... a lot of her friends liked you...”
“Well - I never heard that...”
“Guess how old I am?”
I look her up and down - “18"
“Ha! I’ll be eighteen in the end of March...” with a big smile... and she starts to play with her hair and sway her shoulders... and I am thinking I’ll be 46 on the 6th of March... “you’re like... my dad’s age... right?”
“I don’t know - did I go to school with him too?”
“yea... He and my mom got married after college... but he was at Coronado too...”
“And what does he look like... was he one of the cool kids too...” - she laughs
“He doesn’t look like you...” she looks at me - kinda’ hypnotic look on her face and breathes in heavily... but I am delusional...
“Well... that makes it all right with me...”
And then her mother calls out to her in a voice that awakens and irritates the demons in my mind...
“Lacey!!! get over here...”
She breathes out and laughs and turns with a girlish skip to go back to her table... I heard the mother say something but couldn’t make it out as my head was spinning a little... that girl was hot...
I sat back down and returned to my burger and fries... “hola chico...” came the voice of my young cashier... she gives me a long kiss on the side of my face and a short peck on the lips when I turn to her... she gets ketchup on her lips... she is wearing really tight sweat pants... not quite spandex... but tight and one of those mid-riff athletic bra type shirts... don’t know what the hell they are called - but she looks like she was working out or going to work out as she does not look like she has been perspiring... her hair is up in a pony tail and her figure on display for all to see... she sits next to me... I offer her food... she declines but looks up at the menu and says she might get a salad in a little while... good girl... but she grabs my soda and drinks it all down... I look up and catch Lacey and her sister staring... I also make eye contact with the mother... she shakes her head at me and I smile at her... my girl gets up to refill my drink... and as she walks away... a take a good look at her ass... nice... firm young latin ass... I smile... and Lacey says - loud enough for all to hear... “Oh my God...!”
Sweet moment indeed.
I stood in line to get my burger... a middle aged woman with two teenage girls walked in and stood next to me - the woman was way too over weight to be there getting burgers... she had a short boy hair gut and she looked miserable... we made eye contact and she smiled at me... a half embarrassed... half disappointed smile... I did not smile back... as I turn back to the girl at the register I made eye contact with both of her daughters and smiled at them... I place my order grabbed my soda cup and made my way to the soda fountain...
Found a table with a view to the entrances... laid down my shoulder bag and sat down to go through my agenda... marking off ‘to-do’s” and filling in time slots... jotting down ideas... the woman and her daughters passed by but I kept my head buried in my agenda... they sat at a both in front of me where I had a view of all of them... my burger arrived and I would occasionally look up and catch the daughters looking at me and turning to each other to whisper and giggle... noting too that the mother was getting quite annoyed... half way through my meal... I hear the mother say to the oldest daughter... “that’s disgusting... he’s old enough to be your father... in fact he is your father’s age - I want to high school with him...”
Sweet moment... I don’t remember too many people from high school... have no desire to look for any one and play catch up... I could care fucking less about what they are doing now... the only ones I remember are the girls I lusted over and the ones that treated me like shit - they are usually one and the same... but I remember these girls the way I knew them - I have no fantasies of them growing up to be fat and miserable boy hair cut sporting mommas... in my forty five year old fantasies of them... they are still 16 and 17 years old... and I am 45... I do not look like I did in high school... perhaps a little in the face - but I have chiseled out more in the last few years... I have put on muscle and trimmed my belly to get me the abs I have always wanted... I deserve my burger and damn it - I need the meat... I walk a lot, I go on long hikes regularly, I lift and do crunches daily... middle aged momma should not be here eating burger... I don’t know how she would recognize me from almost thirty years - twenty eight years since I left high school - I dropped out... I am not the same boy I was back then... I am not the same boy I was when I left El Paso... I look different... I behave different and I live differently... my loner ways and low tolerance for bullshit are much more amplified... but unless you spent much time with me as a youth - you might not recognize me - but I have been approached in El Paso by people that remember me but I never spoke to when I was young... I don’t seem to mind speaking to those I did not know well back then as opposed to those I called my friends... go figure...
I got up to get another drink... As I am filling up my soda cup the older daughter stands next to me and start to fill up her cup... I look down and smile at her...
“How are you today?” a start the conversation...
“good... how are you?”
“Fantastic...”
She giggles - “Umm... my mom says she was in high school with you... really?” sounding kinda’ unsure of herself or the question...
“I don’t seem to remember your mother... but it might be possible... she doesn’t look familiar...”
Well... she looked different... she was cute... she was popular and her picture is all over the yearbook...’
“Hmm... I never got yearbooks... and I was not popular... so we probably ran with different crowds...”
“She says everyone knew who you were...?”
“They did... ?” - that’s strange I think to myself...
“Uh-hu... a lot of her friends liked you...”
“Well - I never heard that...”
“Guess how old I am?”
I look her up and down - “18"
“Ha! I’ll be eighteen in the end of March...” with a big smile... and she starts to play with her hair and sway her shoulders... and I am thinking I’ll be 46 on the 6th of March... “you’re like... my dad’s age... right?”
“I don’t know - did I go to school with him too?”
“yea... He and my mom got married after college... but he was at Coronado too...”
“And what does he look like... was he one of the cool kids too...” - she laughs
“He doesn’t look like you...” she looks at me - kinda’ hypnotic look on her face and breathes in heavily... but I am delusional...
“Well... that makes it all right with me...”
And then her mother calls out to her in a voice that awakens and irritates the demons in my mind...
“Lacey!!! get over here...”
She breathes out and laughs and turns with a girlish skip to go back to her table... I heard the mother say something but couldn’t make it out as my head was spinning a little... that girl was hot...
I sat back down and returned to my burger and fries... “hola chico...” came the voice of my young cashier... she gives me a long kiss on the side of my face and a short peck on the lips when I turn to her... she gets ketchup on her lips... she is wearing really tight sweat pants... not quite spandex... but tight and one of those mid-riff athletic bra type shirts... don’t know what the hell they are called - but she looks like she was working out or going to work out as she does not look like she has been perspiring... her hair is up in a pony tail and her figure on display for all to see... she sits next to me... I offer her food... she declines but looks up at the menu and says she might get a salad in a little while... good girl... but she grabs my soda and drinks it all down... I look up and catch Lacey and her sister staring... I also make eye contact with the mother... she shakes her head at me and I smile at her... my girl gets up to refill my drink... and as she walks away... a take a good look at her ass... nice... firm young latin ass... I smile... and Lacey says - loud enough for all to hear... “Oh my God...!”
Sweet moment indeed.
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