It has only been in the last couple of years that I have begun to talk about Veronica... to anyone... strangers and acquaintances who would ask... but it was not until a few nights ago that I actually told some one all the details about that part of my life - which nobody knows about outside of Frankie and Cris...
I am a bit reluctant to tell this tale... but she and I both knew that one day I would. She claimed that she would leave no one behind when she left... there would be no one to remember her... nothing left in this world to show that for a brief moment she walked among us... she told me many times that life was a curse... but despite that curse... she would do the best she could with what God gave her. She would whisper to me at night that I was the Devil come to taunt her before I took her away... dangling visions of love in front of her - that she would never reach... she would punch me and slap me... and take out her anger at the world on me... in nights filled with screams and tears she smashed many a plate on my head... she would curse me and the Heavens above with a knife to my chest. Many times after I had made love to her... and I had drifted off to sleep... I would wake up in pain as she would bite me like some rabid wolf... crying... because I fell asleep without her... she would tell me she would kill me... if I tried to leave her... and I would say “Darling... I’ve heard that one before...” but the night before she slipped away... after I had made gentle love to her... with tears in her eyes she said... “I will haunt you forever...” she cried all night that night and nothing I could do or say would make her stop... she grew very weak that night... and before she drifted to sleep she whispered to me - “I hate you...”
I was a stranger in a city I knew too well. I had abandoned a life I no longer wanted. I had abandoned people I once called friends and I threw away my dreams... my hopes and aspirations... and I abandoned any hopes of love... I was a broken man - spiritually... mentally and financially... I scratched out a living waiting tables and washing dishes... what I did not spend on rent I drank away... I would go for days without eating or sleeping... and ride the dragon on clouds of cocain for weeks at a time... I was a man looking for a reason why I shouldn’t end it all.. And on napkins across the city I left behinds fragments of love songs for a woman whose name I just could not say anymore and I sought out illusions of love in the arms of women who offered it professionally...
I don’t remember what day it was... I had risen from my slumber at four in the afternoon smelling of liquor and reefer and back ally whore’s...
I don’t know why... I opened the window to let some fresh air into my apartment and stopped to talk to whatever angel would hear me... I spied a solitary cloud and whispered... “give me one more chance...”
I showered up and shaved... and cut my own hair... and styled it like Gable. I cleaned and scrubbed the room I called my home... threw out the garbage and flushed the weed and powder down the toilet... I don’t even remember thinking... I just remember cleaning... I washed my clothes in the basement laundry room and pressed my shirts and pants... satisfied with the evenings productivity I threw on my cleanest suit and stepped out into the street once more... to wander into those ally ways where angels fear to tread...
The room was dark and smokey and flickers of light bounced off a mirror ball from the ceiling to dance on red velvet walls... there was an old juke box hugging a lonely wall playing a Henry Mancini song... the girls were dressed in tight fitting dresses and skirts... revealing enough leg and cleavage to leave you wanting for more... before I could make my way to the bar she ensnared me with her smile... she stood in front of me in a second hand Donna Karen cocktail dress that she probably bought at a used clothing store, her hair was tied back with a red ribbon... she didn’t wear any make up but lipstick... she was thin and a bit pale... her eyes were green and her lips were full... before we ever spoke she leaned into me and smelled my neck... she placed her hands on my chest to support herself and leaned in... she closed her eyes and inhaled a long deep breath from my neck... and tilting her head back she let out a long deep sigh into my face... Dear Lord... don’t let it be her... but it was too late... I had made up my mind... she was going to be mine...
There was no negotiating between us - in fact no words were spoken at all... she took me by the hand and led me to her room... just as I closed the door behind me she pressed me tight against it and stretched up to kiss me... it was not a passionate kiss... it was a series of slow and gentle little kisses... she held my face in her hands delicately... and in between those soft kisses she whispered to me to lock the door... I remember my hands tracing figures on her back and unzipping her dress behind her... and as it slid off her body she looked up at me and asked me my name... Victor... I said... people used to call me Victor... “Victor...” she whispered... over and over in between the kisses she planted on my neck as she unbuttoned my shirt... “Victor... Victor... Victor....” the song of her voice was intoxicating... my head was spinning... she planted her gentle kisses on my pecks and sniffed at my chest... and whispered my name... “Victor...” again and again.. From a mirror on a wall I spied our reflection and watched my hands caress her back... and slowly flow down her spine to her buttock... “What do you want to call me...” she asked in a voice I could barely make out in the silence of our room... I whispered - “Veronica...” She pushed away from me and looked up with a most peculiar look on her face... and threw her head back in laughter... she jumped into my arms and forced her tongue into my mouth and kissed me until she almost fainted.... no... I mean she actually fainted... she went limp in my arms and I carried her to the bed... I knew... some how... at that moment... there was something wrong with her...
I carried her to the bed and laid her down and watched her struggling for breath... she breathed in long, heavy and loud... and her chest looked as if it was struggling just as hard to hold all that air in... as I watched her I could feel a strange presence in the room with us... a presence I was quite familiar with... I shook my head and wondered what I had just gotten myself into... after a while her breathing evened out and she slowly came to... she opened her eyes half startled and covered her breasts with her arms... they were small but perfectly round and firm with little hard nipples... she looked up at me frightened and said - “please don’t hurt me...” I looked at her for a long time before I responded - “I didn’t come here to hurt you...”
Slowly she began to relax again and moved her arms from her chest to reveal herself to me... “Come closer” she whispered... and I leaned in to kiss her... she stopped me by placing her hands on my face and began to inspect my features... the way Carmen used to do to me... She would tilt my head up and down and to the left and right looking to see how the reflections of light transformed me... was she comparing me to her other lovers... or trying to find traces of mine...
She spoke -
“Can I ask you something”
“Anything...”
“Anything...?”
“Ask me anything.”
She placed a hand behind my head and pulled me in closer to her so that she could whisper into my ear... I felt her lips moving... forming the words...but she did not make a sound... she released me and I straightened my back... she took my right hand and placed the back of it to her mouth and nose and breathed in with her eyes closed... “ The ashes from the battle field...”
She opened her eyes to look at me.
She grabs my left hand and placed the back of it to her mouth and nose and breathed in with here eyes close... “ The cold mist from Tierra Del Fuego...”
She opens her eyes to look at me...
“Your neck smells like the market of Ciudad Del Este... and your chest smells like what I imagine Japan smells like...” that makes me smile...
She puts my hand on her breast and says - “kiss me here...”
I bent down to kiss her as softly as she had kissed me earlier and she held my head down with her hands... and she took long deep breaths from my hair... and would breath out long dramatic, dreamy sighs... I looked up to find out what my hair smells like... “bordelos del mundo...”
She laughs... like a teenage girl...
She told me to lay down and she finished undressing me. She straddled me and reached behind her head to undo the red ribbon that held her hair back.... as her hair fell down behind her shoulders she look for an instant like a young Sonia Braga...
She looked down at me very serious... “Can I tell you something?”
“Tell me anything...”
“Anything...?”
“Yes...”
She pressed her chest to mine and her mouth to my ear again and began to move her lips... but again she made no sound... I was focused so much on trying to make out the words she was forming that I did not notice she had slipped me inside of her until she started to move her hips in a slow circular motion... she would nibble on my ear lobe and slide her tongue around the rim of my ear in between words I could not make out... all the while I lay there as she moved her pelvis back and forth on top of me... for an hour and a half... until suddenly she froze in freight... with a hand full of my hair... she released a long sensual - “aaaaayyyyyy.....” followed by “Victoooorrrrr...” but she was crying... she completely collapsed on top of me with her head buried between my neck and my shoulder... she sobbed... I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry... of course I was thinking the girl is crazy... and I should get out of here as soon as possible... but I laid there with out saying a word, rubbing her back as she lay on top of me, drowning me in her tears and insanity...
“I’ve never been in love before...” she said - which did not make any sense to me at the time...
“You’re lucky... love is pain...”
“I know that now...” - again, that made no sense to me at that moment...
“I have never been a very good boy-friend... but I will take care of you...”
She raised herself up and gave me the same look she gave me when I called her Veronica... only a bit more curious... she came back down just as suddenly and covered my mouth with hers... and sucked all the air out of my lungs...
When she released me from her kiss she moved her lips back to my ear and whispered ever... ever so softly... “there is no way you could have heard that...” and she began to cry...
I am a bit reluctant to tell this tale... but she and I both knew that one day I would. She claimed that she would leave no one behind when she left... there would be no one to remember her... nothing left in this world to show that for a brief moment she walked among us... she told me many times that life was a curse... but despite that curse... she would do the best she could with what God gave her. She would whisper to me at night that I was the Devil come to taunt her before I took her away... dangling visions of love in front of her - that she would never reach... she would punch me and slap me... and take out her anger at the world on me... in nights filled with screams and tears she smashed many a plate on my head... she would curse me and the Heavens above with a knife to my chest. Many times after I had made love to her... and I had drifted off to sleep... I would wake up in pain as she would bite me like some rabid wolf... crying... because I fell asleep without her... she would tell me she would kill me... if I tried to leave her... and I would say “Darling... I’ve heard that one before...” but the night before she slipped away... after I had made gentle love to her... with tears in her eyes she said... “I will haunt you forever...” she cried all night that night and nothing I could do or say would make her stop... she grew very weak that night... and before she drifted to sleep she whispered to me - “I hate you...”
I was a stranger in a city I knew too well. I had abandoned a life I no longer wanted. I had abandoned people I once called friends and I threw away my dreams... my hopes and aspirations... and I abandoned any hopes of love... I was a broken man - spiritually... mentally and financially... I scratched out a living waiting tables and washing dishes... what I did not spend on rent I drank away... I would go for days without eating or sleeping... and ride the dragon on clouds of cocain for weeks at a time... I was a man looking for a reason why I shouldn’t end it all.. And on napkins across the city I left behinds fragments of love songs for a woman whose name I just could not say anymore and I sought out illusions of love in the arms of women who offered it professionally...
I don’t remember what day it was... I had risen from my slumber at four in the afternoon smelling of liquor and reefer and back ally whore’s...
I don’t know why... I opened the window to let some fresh air into my apartment and stopped to talk to whatever angel would hear me... I spied a solitary cloud and whispered... “give me one more chance...”
I showered up and shaved... and cut my own hair... and styled it like Gable. I cleaned and scrubbed the room I called my home... threw out the garbage and flushed the weed and powder down the toilet... I don’t even remember thinking... I just remember cleaning... I washed my clothes in the basement laundry room and pressed my shirts and pants... satisfied with the evenings productivity I threw on my cleanest suit and stepped out into the street once more... to wander into those ally ways where angels fear to tread...
The room was dark and smokey and flickers of light bounced off a mirror ball from the ceiling to dance on red velvet walls... there was an old juke box hugging a lonely wall playing a Henry Mancini song... the girls were dressed in tight fitting dresses and skirts... revealing enough leg and cleavage to leave you wanting for more... before I could make my way to the bar she ensnared me with her smile... she stood in front of me in a second hand Donna Karen cocktail dress that she probably bought at a used clothing store, her hair was tied back with a red ribbon... she didn’t wear any make up but lipstick... she was thin and a bit pale... her eyes were green and her lips were full... before we ever spoke she leaned into me and smelled my neck... she placed her hands on my chest to support herself and leaned in... she closed her eyes and inhaled a long deep breath from my neck... and tilting her head back she let out a long deep sigh into my face... Dear Lord... don’t let it be her... but it was too late... I had made up my mind... she was going to be mine...
There was no negotiating between us - in fact no words were spoken at all... she took me by the hand and led me to her room... just as I closed the door behind me she pressed me tight against it and stretched up to kiss me... it was not a passionate kiss... it was a series of slow and gentle little kisses... she held my face in her hands delicately... and in between those soft kisses she whispered to me to lock the door... I remember my hands tracing figures on her back and unzipping her dress behind her... and as it slid off her body she looked up at me and asked me my name... Victor... I said... people used to call me Victor... “Victor...” she whispered... over and over in between the kisses she planted on my neck as she unbuttoned my shirt... “Victor... Victor... Victor....” the song of her voice was intoxicating... my head was spinning... she planted her gentle kisses on my pecks and sniffed at my chest... and whispered my name... “Victor...” again and again.. From a mirror on a wall I spied our reflection and watched my hands caress her back... and slowly flow down her spine to her buttock... “What do you want to call me...” she asked in a voice I could barely make out in the silence of our room... I whispered - “Veronica...” She pushed away from me and looked up with a most peculiar look on her face... and threw her head back in laughter... she jumped into my arms and forced her tongue into my mouth and kissed me until she almost fainted.... no... I mean she actually fainted... she went limp in my arms and I carried her to the bed... I knew... some how... at that moment... there was something wrong with her...
I carried her to the bed and laid her down and watched her struggling for breath... she breathed in long, heavy and loud... and her chest looked as if it was struggling just as hard to hold all that air in... as I watched her I could feel a strange presence in the room with us... a presence I was quite familiar with... I shook my head and wondered what I had just gotten myself into... after a while her breathing evened out and she slowly came to... she opened her eyes half startled and covered her breasts with her arms... they were small but perfectly round and firm with little hard nipples... she looked up at me frightened and said - “please don’t hurt me...” I looked at her for a long time before I responded - “I didn’t come here to hurt you...”
Slowly she began to relax again and moved her arms from her chest to reveal herself to me... “Come closer” she whispered... and I leaned in to kiss her... she stopped me by placing her hands on my face and began to inspect my features... the way Carmen used to do to me... She would tilt my head up and down and to the left and right looking to see how the reflections of light transformed me... was she comparing me to her other lovers... or trying to find traces of mine...
She spoke -
“Can I ask you something”
“Anything...”
“Anything...?”
“Ask me anything.”
She placed a hand behind my head and pulled me in closer to her so that she could whisper into my ear... I felt her lips moving... forming the words...but she did not make a sound... she released me and I straightened my back... she took my right hand and placed the back of it to her mouth and nose and breathed in with her eyes closed... “ The ashes from the battle field...”
She opened her eyes to look at me.
She grabs my left hand and placed the back of it to her mouth and nose and breathed in with here eyes close... “ The cold mist from Tierra Del Fuego...”
She opens her eyes to look at me...
“Your neck smells like the market of Ciudad Del Este... and your chest smells like what I imagine Japan smells like...” that makes me smile...
She puts my hand on her breast and says - “kiss me here...”
I bent down to kiss her as softly as she had kissed me earlier and she held my head down with her hands... and she took long deep breaths from my hair... and would breath out long dramatic, dreamy sighs... I looked up to find out what my hair smells like... “bordelos del mundo...”
She laughs... like a teenage girl...
She told me to lay down and she finished undressing me. She straddled me and reached behind her head to undo the red ribbon that held her hair back.... as her hair fell down behind her shoulders she look for an instant like a young Sonia Braga...
She looked down at me very serious... “Can I tell you something?”
“Tell me anything...”
“Anything...?”
“Yes...”
She pressed her chest to mine and her mouth to my ear again and began to move her lips... but again she made no sound... I was focused so much on trying to make out the words she was forming that I did not notice she had slipped me inside of her until she started to move her hips in a slow circular motion... she would nibble on my ear lobe and slide her tongue around the rim of my ear in between words I could not make out... all the while I lay there as she moved her pelvis back and forth on top of me... for an hour and a half... until suddenly she froze in freight... with a hand full of my hair... she released a long sensual - “aaaaayyyyyy.....” followed by “Victoooorrrrr...” but she was crying... she completely collapsed on top of me with her head buried between my neck and my shoulder... she sobbed... I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry... of course I was thinking the girl is crazy... and I should get out of here as soon as possible... but I laid there with out saying a word, rubbing her back as she lay on top of me, drowning me in her tears and insanity...
“I’ve never been in love before...” she said - which did not make any sense to me at the time...
“You’re lucky... love is pain...”
“I know that now...” - again, that made no sense to me at that moment...
“I have never been a very good boy-friend... but I will take care of you...”
She raised herself up and gave me the same look she gave me when I called her Veronica... only a bit more curious... she came back down just as suddenly and covered my mouth with hers... and sucked all the air out of my lungs...
When she released me from her kiss she moved her lips back to my ear and whispered ever... ever so softly... “there is no way you could have heard that...” and she began to cry...
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