The Handsomest Drowned Man In The World

by

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

...

spoken by

Ian Wilson

...

not enough time...

Not enough time to learn all your dances
Not enough time to sing all your songs
Not enough time to chase all those romances
just not enough time to find where I belong

Not enough time to let go of the sorrow
Not enough time to forget your name
Not enough time to chase after tomorrow
Just not enough time to heal all the pain

Not enough time to tell you I’m sorry
Not enough time to find the right words
Not enough time to tell you my story
Just not enough time to undo all the hurt

Not enough time to find out what love is
Not enough time to show you my heart
Not enough time for another good-night kiss
Just not enough time to make a fresh start

IF...

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

Rudyard Kipling 

Caspar David Friedrich (1774-1840) 

"Wanderer above the Sea of Fog"

just come back...

Cold December moon climbing over the mountains of Northern Mexico

The dessert wind howls through the night... the smell of mesquit

burns in the valley... you roll over in bed... and mumble words

I did not understand...

Before I crawl back into bed I light a candle at my alter...

At the end of the hall... my little alter... candles and flowers

sitting under a black velvet painting of Raquel Welch... that

I found in the old market in Juarez...

I light a candle and burn some incense and a poem on

Japanese paper in a little bowl... I call out her name...

I whisper it low... I say... “forgive me... for whatever

I have done... just come back...”

I listen for footsteps...

I close my eyes and try to sense the presence of an angel...

The devil... her ghost... I can’t find her shadow...

I can’t find her smell... I don’t hear her crying...

In my room... in the hall... in the kitchen... in the den...

In my dreams...

There is a small scar on my wrist... next to my vain...

It does not let me forget... it does not let me go...

It will be there for ever... but she... she always needed

more love than I could ever give her...

I don’t pretend that I ever loved her...

But now... I feel I love her...

There is a woman who’s name is Elena sleeping in my bed.

And I am writing poems in blood on ancient paper...

In hopes of seducing the ghost  I have tried so hard to abandon...

“forgive me... for whatever I have done... just come back...”

ladies and whores...

She’s in my bed...

She’s wrapped herself up under the covers and made a fortress of the pillows...

She says “papi... regresa a la cama...”  -  “daddy... come back to bed...”

She sighs... a long, spiritual sigh that fills this dark room like the holly mantras that echo down the Himalayas...

She says “Tito... ven, mi amor... no escribas esta noche...”

She moans and makes whimpering sounds...

She says she’s cold and needs me to warm the bed... but it is not that cold... she speaks in her little girl voice... and then she growls in her angry annoyed mistress voice...

I am sitting  at my desk at the foot of the bed.  The light from the bathroom slithers through a half opened door that cast a shadow on her... I tell her I have to check the Asian Markets... She say - “really?”

And I say - “no...”

She lifts herself up on one elbow - “do you know what you look like in that light... the glow of the computer shining up at you?”

I ignore her and type these words...

I don’t finish the word on the last line when she say - “are you the devil...”

She is not the first woman to say that... but the last one that did say it... came pretty damn close to stealing what’s left of my heart...

I look at her - “where you hoping for an angel?”

“Something close to it...”

“And yet...”

“And yet... here I am... in your bed...”

She’s in my bed...

She just looks at me... she wants to say something... but I don’t think she really knows what those words are that will tell me what it is she is feeling right now... I think she feels a little scared... and a little bit confused... but I know that she wants to be here...

Elena and I have been together every night since the first day.  Not a single night has passed that she has not come over.  She shows up after work before she goes anywhere else... and after she has done what she needs  to  she comes back...she spends the night some times and leaves early for work... we’ll spend the weekends in bed or on the sofa... she says the world outside my door does not exist and that we are drifting in a lonely rocket out in space looking for a safe place to land... she tells me that she wants to know the secrets of my world... my reality... tonight she learned a very important part of that reality... and I think it shook hers out of its axis...

Elena always wants to know the “why’s” and the “how’s”... the reasons and the motivations of my life... I really don’t let the women that come and go in on those secrets and many have learned the hard way the “why’s” and the “how’s”.  She does not understand why I do not have friends and why I prefer to be alone...

I have three friends in this world - and two of then I have not spoken to in years - but they were loyal and I trust them and I give them my loyalty  in return... but I have not spoken to them in years... the third... well... he is just too much like me to contemplate giving my trust to... but he says I am the only man he trusts... and has offered me his friendship and loyalty... though he has led me into adventures that we narrowly escaped with our lives with  and continuously talks me into risky business deals and simply laughs off our misfortunes like the devil at a poker table... always with a shocked and surprised laugh at the irony of his well thought out plans not turning out so well... he just looks at me in disbelief... “Dash... I didn’t see that coming! Can you believe that! Ain’t that something... well... let’s go get a drink and some girls... “ He makes me laugh... but he may get me killed one day... and as for all the others whom I once called my friends... well... I can honestly say today that I am better off without them... for all those old friends at one time turned on me... blamed me for their mistakes and their bad luck... their shitty lives and they stabbed me in the back and betrayed my trust... they turned on me... abandoned me... I could not keep these people and reach the life I wanted... and I am getting there - I am getting closer and closer to it - with out a single one of them...

Tonight (earlier) Elena and I went out to join some of her friends at some bar, it is not the first time we have gone out with her friends but tonight was the most interesting night out we have had... I had met a few of them before and some of these people were co-workers and some were her girlfriends and a few other guys... and among them a couple of ex-boyfriends...  Yup... ex-boyfriends...

When you are the new boyfriend... you have to go through all the bullshit from her friends...  I am the one keeping her from spending time with her girlfriends and family... and the ex boyfriends need to prove... not sure what they need to prove... but they need to be ass-holes...  Now... I am the oldest person in this crowd by almost ten years - nine to be exact - and despite the poetry you may read here - I am a heartless bastard unimpressed with the world and uninterested in the opinions of what others think of me...

Elena was looking very fine this evening... she made a smooth transition from work to the bar somewhere along the way in the car... her hair was tied back and her blouse buttoned all the way to the top when she picked me up... but when we stepped out of the car her hair was loose and full and her blouse opened and quite inviting... even her face had a different glow to it... it’s at this point when I should have tuned into the vibrations of the night... but there were none to listen to...

The smoke and the smell of watered down drinks is the first thing that hits you as you walk in the door... and the music... crap... music today is mostly crap... her girl friends are at the bar... so we make our way there... she introduces me to the ones I haven’t met yet and I great the ones I already know... there is an empty stool so I take it... the bartender shows up with a big happy friendly smile... he’s feeling lucky tonight and hopes the crowd gets bigger... Elena asks for a daiquiri, I a scotch... the bartender - who’s name is Mickey - pours my drink in front of me... I motion with my thumb and fore finger to pour a little more and he smiles big... as he slides me my drink I slip him an American twenty and lean forward for only him to hear - start me a tab... he asks for my name and goes off to ring up our drinks... he leaves my change on the counter in front of me and I let it sit there... the girls are talking with each other and ignore me... I have my scotch... I don’t care...

I find myself making conversation with Mickey... and we start drinking shots of tequila... Elena’s co-workers begin to arrive and Mickey knows he will be making good money tonight as more men in suits arrive... introductions are made and I have to go through the same boring routine of explaining what I do and how I do it... but I go through the routine quite naturally and return my focus on my scotch... I am not here to impress any one tonight nor am I here to make any friends... I am here for Elena... because she wanted me here... so I will be friendly and charming for her sake...

A couple of women showed up and invaded  the space to my left at the bar... and Mickey keeps them entertained... Mickey is in his late twenties... he speaks like a man with schooling... he smiles like Tom Cruise - a bit annoying - and he looks like one of the Iglesias... the women seem to fancy him...  He begins to show up, in between fixing drinks for the crowd and flirting with the girls, with shots for us to try from the wide selection of tequilas that line a shelf behind him... these are on him... the girls to my left look at us waiting for us to offer them some shots... but I don’t buy women drinks and Mickey seems to know that game too well... I ignore them and drink... I’ll stop for a bit to make meaningless conversation with one of Elena’s friends to my right who still linger at the bar with me... the group has put together a few tables in the middle of the room... but many are just walking about and hanging ‘round the bar...

One of Elena’s friends, a loud, snobbish, gossipy woman, whom I do not like one bit comes to the bar next to me with empty glasses and says that Elena needs another drink... so I say to her “Get her one...”

“Do you want me to pay fro it?” she feigns shock...

I hate this bitch...

Mickey arrives... and the woman orders their drinks... I nod at Mickey and he takes my gesture to mean that those drinks are on my tab... I had informed him early on that Elena’s drinks were to by on my account as well... but no-one else... Elena comes and wraps her arms around me from behind... she whispers to me if I am doing well.. I nod my head slowly and she kissed the back of my neck... she picks up her drink and walks away... I watch her in the mirrored wall behind the shelves... her hair bounces... her ass sways... like a slow wave climbing onto the shore... and slipping back into the sea... one of the girls leans in close to me and asks if the woman that just left is my girl friend... I turn my head slow to her... still watching Elena in the mirror... I gaze into the girls eyes... “she thinks she is...” and I bring my glass to my lips and look away...

The little snobby girl is still at my right... I can feel her stare on me... I slowly turn to her... and she opens her stupid mouth...

“Who do you think you are?” and she walks away... thank God...

At that point of the night I am only on my second scotch, I have a beer in front of my as well but that is to chase the tequila... and there is also a glass of water in front of me too...

One of the girls to my right starts talking to me again but she gets closer and closer... she begins to flirt with me... her gestures are getting friendlier and friendlier... I flirt back... but I am a bit more subtle than her...  One of the girls to my left makes a comment about the one to my right throwing herself at me... and she responds by putting her arm around me and leaning in close to my chest... but then she gasps and says... 

“oh... Victor... do you see that man that Elena is with?”

We both are looking into the mirror...

“That is Alejandro Manuel... Elena’s ex...”

I said “so...”

“Two days before you came along ex...” she says in a low voice  - just loud enough for me to hear...

I respond - “no shit...???”

And turn my body to look at them...

But little snobby bitch shows up and shoves Cristina - the girl - away from me so that she can get to the bar... I throw the bitch a disapproving look... she turns her nose up at me and begins calling for Mickey... but it’s the bar manager who arrives to take her order... she orders a beer and turns to me... I ain’t paying for her shit... I ignore her and gaze at Cristina and smile... she smiles back at me... the bitch fumbles with her purse to get her money and pays for her drink... she sees the glances Cristina and I are exchanging as she turns to Cristina...

“What... you can never get your own man that you have to always try to take the ones that belong to your friends...”

Cristina looks down and takes her abuse... but then...

She say...” Elena’s over there with Alejandro... She doesn’t even talk with Victor except to spend his money...” which was true...

The bitch turns to me...

“So Elena is with Alejandro... what, are you jealous... are you trying to get her attention by hanging all over Cristina...”

I say “ I don’t care who Elena talks to...”

The bitch: “You don’t care?”

“I don’t care... it is none of my business who she talks to... what they talk about... what she does...”

“Oh... so you don’t care about your own girlfriend...”

“I don’t care what she does... I don’t own her... I don’t control her...”

“Alejandro is better than you... I don’t know why she left him... for you... he is much better than you are...”

“Many men are... much better than I am...” I drink what is left of my scotch...

“You are an ass-hole...” the bitch walks away but turns around to give Cristina a nasty look... Cristina turns to face the bar but does not look at me... she just looks down... I turn around and lift my empty glass to the bar manager... one of the girls to my left asks

“What’s that bitch’s problem...”

It makes me laugh...

When the manager brings my drink I tell him to get the girls a round...

“Oh, now you are going to buy us drinks...???”

“Just this round” I say - “it’s for making me laugh... you have to earn your gifts with me...”

They get their drinks and thank me - with a toast to me...

I turn to Cristina... “did you take her boyfriend?”

“No... she can’t get a man...”

“Then what is her problem?” I ask

“She’s just a miserable cunt...” Cristina replies... but she looks down and her lips move... she is holding something back... “Victor... Alejandro does not compare to you... he is no-where near your league...” she’s right...

“Did Elena leave Alejandro to be with me?”

“I don’t know... I’m confused...”

Elena shows up...

“What’s going on here...” in Spanish she calls Cristina a whore  - “are you messing with my man...”

Elena is angry... and she has been drinking... but not so much to be acting like this... something else is going on here... she turns to me

“What are you doing...???”

I straighten up and lift my head... I squint my eyes as I look straight into hers and raise my left eye brow just a bit that only she would notice it... she knows she just fucked up... but she must try to salvage some face...

Elena turns back to Cristina... she knows she doesn’t have a chance with me...

“You’re a whore... you’ve always been a whore... you want him... you can have him... he prefers whores anyway... and he will never care about you anyway... “ she looks at me

“It’s time you stop... before you say something really stupid...” I tell her

“Don’t tell me what to do!!” she yells at me

I stand up and touch her left arm... she pulls her arm back - “don’t touch me!!”

Alejandro - the hero arrives...

“Don’t touch her...” his friends are on their way from where they were sitting... we stare at each other - he and  I...

He opens his stupid mouth... “you don’t tell her what to do...”

I look over at Elena... “No... I don’t tell her what to do... she is free to do whatever the hell she wants...”

The bar manager had come out from behind the bar and was now in between Alejandro and me.. There were a couple of bouncers with him and he told Alejandro that he would have to leave... what can I say bartenders are among the few men in this world that like me...

Alejandro is looking at me -I can feel it - but I have not taken my eyes off Elena... I stare her down until she look to the floor and her face has gone red... she begins to cry and turns away... she runs out and Alejandro and everyone else follows... except for Cristina and another girl... who stays behind to comfort her... she is crying and Mickey comes to see if we need anything... drinks I let him know for me and the girls to my right... and for the girls to my left...

Mickey smiles at me... “you are a dangerous man...” he laughs...

He brings us our drinks and empty shot glasses... for everyone... “what shall we try now...” he smiles his annoying smile... “whatever’s next in line...” I tell him...

I turn to Cristina - “I actually do prefer whores...” she laughs... “things are so much less complicated with them...”

I stayed there for about forty minutes and then walked out to find a cab...

Elena was sitting in her car... I saw her but I ignored her and just made my way to the sidewalk and started walking...

I flagged down a passing taxi and came home...

The bell rang from the gate... who could it be...

I walked out to find Elena... who were you expecting?

Cristina... it ran through my mind too...

Alejandro... he doesn’t have what it takes...

I open the gate for Elena and she walks into the house...

I walk behind her and secure the doors...

For a long time we do not say a word... I have nothing to say... she knows this...

“God damn it, Elena... What do you want?”

She cries...

“I want to be your woman... “

“Then act like my woman...”

She walks to me and throws her arms around me and begs me to forgive her for acting like an idiot...

While I have her in my arms I tell her... “this bullshit will never happen again... I’ll be in another city with another whore before you realize it...”

She nods her head that is buried in my shoulder

“Now... make me something to eat or get the fuck out...’

She pulls herself together... and I walk into the bedroom... I undressed and took a shower...

She made huevos rancheros with rice and chilaquiles...

She’s in my bed...

When the sun comes up will she still want to be my woman?

Will I even care...

so necessary for a civilized society...

In Isabel's last post Unida a este mundo I commented - "how did we let life get so complicated...?"
This is a response to my own comment... Thanks Isabel for reminding me to post this...