Coffee and Kisses

I stumble out of bed after you like a phantom of your past - unable to let you go for fear of learning there is no God... or worse... there is a God and my eternal destiny is Hell.
I follow you down the hall like your loyal pet... your dog in need of a belly rub... a scratch behind the ear... a quick game of fetch before you leave to whatever it is you do when you are not with me...
These past few nights have been rough on our emotions - I will not lie to you... you have left your scars on my heart... and your nails did pierce through the skin of my back in the throws of mad lust that you ripped pieces of my soul and nothing nor no one will be able to take the memory of your face from my mind. You’ve never had to compete with the ghosts I cling to - you silenced them - you kept them at bay - and you managed to chase at least one of them away. There has only been you since the first night. I haven’t strayed and I haven’t wandered off... I haven’t wanted to... but these past few night have been rough... your words... have become daggers... stabbing at the part of me I keep hidden from you... the part of me you wish to claim as your own. Your words... echo in my mind like the cold chill of Lake Michigan smacking me in the face the way it did when I stepped out of my door onto Grand Avenue in the days of my mid-Western winters... and it is not so much the things you say but the things you don’t say and the way you say them... and the way you don’t... I know you have started to build that wall around you to protect you from the words you don’t want to hear... "It’s time for me to go"... I know this is your way of trying to push me away before I hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you... you know that... you know that.

Before our first kiss I had told you - I’m just passing through... and you have always known I did not want to be here and that I was making plans to leave the country... I haven’t left yet... and I don’t know when that will happen... but it will... and I asked you if you would run away with me... but I know you can’t leave your life behind... you own too many things... you make some good money... you have a good position... you have fancy friends... that is a lot to leave behind... I.... I could leave tonight... but I would rather lay here next to you and listen to you breathe as you sleep... and try to make sense of those words you mumble from your side of the bed... I would rather stay and trace poems on the back of your shoulder in the glow of this lap top’s monitor... and every now and then lean over to kiss your neck and smell your hair. I would rather stay... and go through the morning routine...

I stumble out of bed like a phantom of your past... and I gather your clothes together and help you dress... as you recite your schedule... "like a well planned alibi..." non of it makes any sense to me - by the way - but I like that... the things that don’t make sense about us that we can’t put into words for the other to understand... and when you are dressed I leave you to make your coffee. You have learned to drink it the way I make it... that cheap instant coffee that I found at the bargain market that turned out to be better than we both imagined it would be... one cup of those magical crushed Columbian beans and three spoons of sugar... stir till I get a floating island of foam, ad Vanilla flavored soy milk... shaken like a martini... and stir... more foam... done.
I return to the room with your coffee and wait at the door for you to finish talking to yourself... you do deserve everything you have... you are good enough... you are strong, you are smart, and you have confidence... I let you do what you have to do to get you through your day... you eat your bagel or toast or croissant... whatever bread of the day I bring you and you finish your coffee. We’ll walk down the hall holding hands and we’ll stand at the door and go through that routine... until I have convinced you I’ll be waiting for you at the end of the day... like your dog...who needs to be reassured as well... that big white cup that you drink your coffee out of every morning - with the big red apple on it... is the same one I will use through out the day... I wont wash it till I have had my fill... you leave traces of your lipstick on it and I get to taste you... little pieces of you with every sip I take until I have totally devoured that sweet taste of red...Chanel?
Coffee... the last kiss you give me before you leave tastes like coffee... I taste you all day long...I am tormented by the last kiss you give me and I punish myself all day long with my own coffee... drinking you... wanting you... drinking you... missing you... drinking you... needing you...drinking you...

drinking you...