should I fade away with the night?

I should be packing for tomorrow’s trip. I should be finishing work I have avoided all week. I should clean my room and put my books away. I should organize my journals and my poems strewn about the floor... my closet is the only place which has any order left - if I could shake my head and find my mind has transformed to the neat and well planned little room that holds my clothes. Suits and sports coats fade from dark to beige and a little blue in between... pants in the same order flowing into shirts... black and grey...blue and suede... poplin and cotton... silk and linen... sweaters and denim and t-shirts on the top shelf... shoes lined in a row on the floor and on top of boxes of books that may never be read again... but they stay boxed away for rainy days and winter storms that might find me in despair - with no wine... with no woman, no money and no friend. I want to call you on the phone but you are deep in your sleep... what did you think of before you faded away... we wont speak tomorrow before you fly off to the East and I drive off into the South Western horizon... so many things I want to say to you... but you know those words just wont come out... no words dangling in the dark to pull out of the night and write some melancholy poem for you... I just can't find the words... how can you not know what it is I feel... what it is I can not say...? I know what you want me to be - I know you would like me to conform to the ways of society... be more...what I was fifteen years ago... I know you want me to be an image... darling - don’t forget that you fell for an image... you fell for the person I am becoming - the person I am meant to be... for me to go back to the flash and the status would be a joke... does it embarrass you? That would be too funny, since I have done more, seen more, made more and lived more than the people you would like for me to impress...you might be too young still to know why I walked away from the status... you might be too caught up in trying to pay your credit card bills.... Should I buy a BMW? Would that make things easier... lay down some cash on a condo...? give up the thing I am chasing... it’s going to take a lot to get me to do that... your insecurities are making me crazy... are you just pushing me away? Do you want to let it go? Should I fade away with the night... drift away with the clouds rolling off the mountain... fall off the page... the words that couldn’t find space on the last line... the words that could have made a difference... the words I cannot find... the words I cannot say...
I should be packing for my trip tomorrow... I should be sleeping by your side... I should be in Buenos Aires... I should be writing you a letter that would make you feel better... I should be deleting this entry... and pack... none of this... is anything I really wanted to say.