Thursday, January 23, 2014

She makes me want to do stupid things...

And I told her just that - I hesitated... but I told her... she said that was the nicest thing any one had ever said to her...

The last woman I said that to was Kelly, a long time ago, back in my Waukegan days... of course I never actually did any of those stupid things that filled my head when it came to Kelly... and she got married... but I did come pretty close... even though we went in different directions and we held our feeling for each other reigned in... there are moments I will take with me to the end of time... glances and seductive smiles that brought the walls around my heart tumbling down... I still don’t know and will never ask - what she told people about me... but pretty much everyone around us had their suspicions... what I enjoyed the most were those moments of silence between us... they were peaceful and sublime... and torturous all at once... I am not sure what stopped me from running off with her... but I also don’t know what stopped her... She is not the one that made me crazy... and she is not the one that got away... nor the one that inspired me and pushed me... and made me want to be a better man... but... she was... magic...

But this girl... This young and dizzy girl with the crazy hair... makes me want to break all the rules I live by... well actually... she just makes me want to break the no bullshit rule... which is the most important rule of all... and... something tells me that she would be worth it... but I am a man set in his ways... chasing my dreams and ghosts and the phantom kisses of memories I just can’t let go of... but... she is worth it...

She is a mess... confused and dreamy and goofy... she has a passion that I want to draw out of her... a gentle way to her that calms me... a smile that disarms me... eyes that hypnotize me... she has thick wild crazy hair and wears broken spectacles... she’s thin and attractive and has hidden her feminine sensuality from me... but she is very girlish - have no doubts about that... she is artistic and friendly and kind... and there is a hint of shyness to her... she does not know yet what it is that she wants... but she knows what she does not want... to live a life that is mediocre... I see potential in her... but I don’t know if I can give her the life she is looking for... but I know a girl like her has the potential - at the very least - to inspire me to greater heights... for she is... magic...

And those stupid things... to save her from a mediocre life... to show her the world and it’s cruel ways... and those random moments of kindness that only very few of us will ever see... to show her cities I know very well and see them for the first time through her eyes... I would unlock the vault and show her all those secrets I have hidden away... those sneaky little tricks I have picked up here and there that make life easy and fun... I would bring her into the circle and let her linger to learn from the masters... but would I shatter the image she has of the world with the reality of the scam the sheep follow to the slaughter house... she is innocent but not naive... she is not a push-over... but she’s not a ball buster... I would run away with her... and keep running... until the devil or the angel of death himself traps me in his grip... and holds his poisoned  fruit to my lips...

She will read this... and I may have some explaining to do... but this... in itself... is just proof... of the stupid things she makes me want to do...




Sunday, January 19, 2014

The Sky Is Falling...

I have always had dreams I could never decipher or understand... since childhood... recently I have been tormented by dreams of wars and celestial invasions... of falling stars and crashing planes and holographic skies... I don’t understand them - but they are unsettling - I have begun to chronicle these strange dreams... in hopes it will help me to unravel its meaning...

“Two Planes and Chasing The Girl”
The Dream And The Memory




I just woke - and I feel I need to get this down as soon as possible

The Dream

I find myself in a small night club - first I believe it to be a club I would go to when I was a young man - but in my dream I realize that it is not - this dream  later turns into a memory for me... or it triggers a memory... and even stranger... the dream now feels like a memory...

There is a small concert going on in the club - a woman and her guitar - her name is ARA - it is pronounced (in the dream) Arrie - she is blonde - all the girls in this dream are blonde (?).
The club is inside an old warehouse - well, it looks like an old converted ware house on the inside but it is in-fact in the center of town - of this town - the main road leads right to the front entrance but this building sits on a corner (strange - but important, the club I thought I was in from my youth sat on a corner).

I am talking with a young girl - a blonde - who looks like someone I once  knew - now that I am awake and typing this - I know that all these girls in the dream I do actually know to be real people - I do know them some how from some where... they are real - I have seen them and they got stuck in this dream... The blonde girl I am talking to is nervous about her performance which is coming up in a couple of weeks at the club... she is a fan of ARA and wants to not make a fool of herself or be compared badly to ARA... I try to tell her that she will be fine... (I am now remembering that I do know this club - is it from another dream... or another memory...) The girl asks me how she can place an add in a local magazine - I do not remember the name of it - to announce that she will be performing at the club... I say to her - “Ask ARA - I think she owns it... It’s her magazine...” and the girl looks at me very strange...  ARA and a friend pass in front of us and go to a table close to the entrance... ARA looks like a teenage version of my friend Vita... but I have never seen the teenage version of my friend Vita... ARA is with another blonde girl... I tell the girl I am with to wait for me - I am going to go talk to ARA... the girl I just left - The singer... now reminds me of a girl named Kara - that I knew in High School.... strange... I am remembering the club having red bricks and dark wooden frames... I reach ARA but she is ignoring me... she pretends that she does not see me - her friend gets up to leave - ARA is sitting next to an older gentle man in a dark suit - he is not wearing a tie but does have a scarf tied around his neck... he is aloof... I can see that he is concentrating hard about some-thing and I stop to look at him for a while... In the dream I know this man... and I stop to look at him because I know him... I return my attention to ARA... she still ignores me... I turn to the gentleman... and he turns to look at me... and then goes back to his thoughts... another little blonde girl passes by handing out copies of the magazine... and asks me by name if I would like a copy... I say yes - I also remember this girl from reality - I want to say I went to school with her but I think it is from somewhere else... she hands me a copy of the magazine and I look at it  - the girl on the cover is the girl I was talking to earlier... I get a strange feeling and think - how did she get on the cover... I turn to look at the seated gentleman - he is looking right at me and then turns away - back to his thoughts... ARA finally acknowledges me and her friend returns... “oh.. hi, Victor...” she says - I say “ARA... look at this...” and I hand her the magazine... “Hideous...” she says... I get on one knee to be at eye level with her... and I look at the cover of the magazine - but know it has a picture of ARA on the cover - a black and white head-shot... her white blonde hair is falling in front of one eye...  I am a bit startled - because I know I saw a different cover... with the other girl... I am about to ask her about the magazine and her connection to it and who do I contact in order to take out some ad space... but I look up to the entrance... two big double doors... that are wide open - it is day time... I see the sky... a  squadron of fighter jets pass by... I look up at ARA - “Did you see that...” she is ignoring me again... I turn to look at the gentleman... he is deep in his trance... I turn back to the entrance because I can hear more jets... another squadron of fighter jets followed by a low flying commercial jet... something does not feel right and I run to the entrance I see another passenger jet flying very low and followed by another squadron of fighter jets... I grab one of the doors and turn to the crowd inside and yell hold on to something!!! - I know the commercial jets are going down... there is an explosion  and It knocks me to the floor...

I get up and run up the main street - remember the main street leads directly to the front door of the club... but I am now running on a dirt road with canals on both sides... like for irrigation... I look up just in time to see a commercial jet crash behind the club... another jet is shot down by the fighters and falls from the sky next to me... I fall to the ground... the plane is in the canal to my right - I am facing the club... this now starts to feel like a memory... in my dream - as if I have gone through this before... I begin to run to the jet to help if I can... but I am stopped by a troop of soldiers... they look like they have been in battle for a while... they stop me and keep me from helping telling me I will be arrested if I try to get involved - “arrested?” I said - “by what authority...?” - one soldier shoves his rifle into my chest... I run to the jet... but it is being pulled out by a big crane... I see it rolling in the water... the windows are blown out - all I see is darkness on the inside... I look and all I see is commercial planes being chased by fighter jets... but there is something else in the sky... I remember this as a memory - not a dream now... the soldiers march me back to the end of the road - to the club... I turn around and I see a city... an old city... the dirt road has now turned to the main street again... everyone  is standing outside of the club... I walk up to ARA... “That was strange wasn’t it... what brought those planes down... did we shoot them down...” - she ignores me for a few seconds then turns to me and says - “what are you talking about”   The first girl comes up to me... and I ask her if she saw any of that... but she does not know what I am talking about - she is happy to see me... and asks me to wait for her... she walks away and the girl that was handing out the magazines walks up to me and starts talking about ARA... but I am trying to remember everything I can about the jets... all the details of what just happened - ask this girl if she saw any of it - she does not know what I am talking about and I am not paying attention to anything she is saying... I said yes to something she said... and she throws her arms around me and kisses me... I feel her breast press against me - she was chesty... when she releases me from her kiss... I am confused - ARA and her friend are standing close to me and are both looking at me with shock... the first girl returns... and she is very happy... she hugs me and we begin to kiss passionately... I like it and she is getting turned on by it... she stops and says she will be back - I assume she is gathering her things and we are leaving - the chesty blond sees me and is now angry - she walks up to me and slaps me hard across the face and yells out - you said you were going home with me!!!!! very angry and begins to make a scene... she is acting like a spoiled child - the first girl comes back and is confused - chesty girl tells her what happened and the first girl runs away... down the street... I look up - the sky is clear... but wait... I know there is something up there - because I am starting to remember.... I run down the sidewalk chasing after the girl and I see a group of people dressed in green jackets and cloaks carrying bows and arrows they are walking to a small park... they are students from an international private school... I know this as a fact because I remember the uniforms... they usually wear blue and red but the Archers wear these green uniforms... at this point... I am remembering - not dreaming... it is the uniforms I think that trigger the memory... in fact in the dream I stop to look at them for a good long time to try to figure out where I know these kids from... I know in this reality that I know their school... I see the girl across the street... she is still running... she is chasing a little brown dog... I cross the street and continue my chase... I look back at the student archers... they are all looking at me... but then they all look up... I look up and the jets are back... I look forward but have lost the girl... I see the dog... it has gone into some ones yard and  into a small dog house.... I run to the dog house and look around - I see that the girl is now coming up the back driveway of the house on a bicycle... and is going to the garage which is separate from the house and further behind it close to the very edge of the property... I run to her... she has her back to me and is putting her bicycle away I reach out to touch her shoulder... I spin her around... it is not the girl - she is some one else... but I know her too... I apologize  - I thought you were some one else, I did not mean to startle you...

She says - I saw you running up the road - you did not scare me - I thought some one paid you to scare me and that you were just playing a joke...

That doesn’t make any sense to me - I say - I thought you were someone else she looks just like you... but looking at her I realize that they look very different... “she has a brown dog as well” I tell her... and the girl looks at me confused... at this point I am waking up from the dream when the girl looks at me confused... I can hear the world outside my window... and I hear planes in the sky - I look up... the jets are back... commercial planes and Fighter jets... but there is something else... above them... I know there is something else above them... I am remembering a war... it happened... something is causing the commercial jets to fall from the sky... and the fighter jets are helpless... and in some instances it is the fighter jets that are shooting down the commercial planes... but now I am awake and laying in bed... with my eyes wide open and remembering the night... the first night the jets began to fall from the sky... I can remember how the stars changed... they began to move... the chem-trails darkened the sky and the heavens disappeared... and the jets began to fall... I laid there awake listening to the sounds from outside my window and remembered all of this... this is not a dream and I know it never happened... is this insanity... a vision... a memory... of another time?

I am sitting here... and the memories of that first night are filling my head... what is happening...
This is not the first time... this has happened - that my dreams turn into memories - (that I go from dreaming to waking up remembering something that I know to be true... but also believing that has not happened)... but it is the most intense...

What do I do?

V. V.
4-3-2013

Post Script:

I just spoke with my mother - she say I told her about dreams of planes falling from the sky a year ago... I do remember those dreams... don’t remember telling my mother... but I do remember those dreams were more like memories... I remember waking from those dreams... I remember waking up and the dreams flowing into memories like this morning...

1970's BURNING SKY

I thought it  was real... the breeze felt real... the sounds echoed true... the smells lingered... the way they do in this realm... but... it was another dream...

The neighborhood felt familiar and I seemed to know my surroundings quite well... the long street I walked down the center of town to get to the office supply store was one that I had walked down many times... I knew the buildings to my left and the ones to my right... apartments and storefronts... and the cafes... the people that passed by were not strangers - even if I did not know them personally...

I enter the office supply store a bit upset to find that everything had been re-arranged... I was there to buy ink and pens and pencils and papers... but these items were usually in the very back of the store - and I rather enjoyed the walk to reach the very last isles... as it gave me time to browse the variety of goods around me... but now the items I required were right up front... the shelves were now also very short - top of the shelves reached  my chest and the inks and pens were on the very bottom... so one had to get down on your knees to inspect your choices...

I was down on one knee looking over some pens when a young blond girl walks down the isle... she makes eye contact with me and smiles... a wide happy smile... she is some one I know - in this dream and in reality... a recent acquaintance... a German girl in Chile... she walks right up to me and starts talking about her dance class... I don’t really know what the hell she is going on about as I am trying to chose my pens and ink... and do feel quite interrupted... but she goes on and on... showing me her dance moves... I try to humor her but continue with my pens... there is something odd about her though that I can not stop thinking about - now and in the dream - her clothes... her outfit looks a little bit from the 1970's... she wore a black body suit - not quite a cat-suit - with bell bottom legs and a red vest... and her hair was strait and looked very natural but her straight bangs seemed to not fit her at all... she says to me “Victor... look what I can do now...” and she proceeds to do the splits right in front of the colored pencil section of the isle - which for some reason I took offense to - she went from a straight upright position to going down on the ground in a very slow motion to sitting there with her lags spread as wide apart as she could get them and then laid on her back... and I have to say I was impressed and a bit turned on by the whole spectacle...  a voice from behind me yells out... “What are you doing?!” I turn to see two other girls walking to us... I know them as well another blonde and a brunette... the first thing I notice about them is that they both have the same hair cut as my little contortionist... and it is not until they have reached us that I begin to notice that all three of these girls are wearing the exact same outfit - each a different color - but the exact same style... the second blond was wearing a white body suit with a yellow vest and the brunette wore a blue body suit with a powder blue vest... they looked like a girl band from the seventies... at this point, in the dream, I know I am dreaming and think it is funny and want to see where this leads... the second blond in the white suit begins to lecture the first blond about showing me the secret positions...???... show me more I remember thinking... as the blonds began to argue about what is allowed and what is not, the brunette just looked at my with sadness in her eyes - I wanted to ask her what was wrong but I knew this would be a bad idea... she tries to smile but her eyes keep filling with tears... the second blond grabs the first by the hand and hurries away out of the store the brunette follows but stops very quickly to turn to me and whisper... “stay away from them... they’re crazy...” she turns to run after them and stops again... she turns to me and says - “Victor... help me...” she is crying and runs off to catch up with the other two...

“What was all that about?” says the voice next to me- it’s Jan Ryder... but he is supposed to be on the other side of the world... he’s wearing a blue jump suit... no its like a leisure suit... from the seventies... what are you wearing - I ask him... and he says to me - what are you wearing? And I see for the first time that I am wearing the same suite only mine is a lighter shade of blue... he wants to know why I am hanging out with the girls from the cult... “the cult???”   I look at him and ask in shock - “That was the CULT???”
“Yeah... you got to stay away from them Victor... you know that”
“But... one of them is in trouble...”
“They’re all in trouble... those poor dumb bitches...”
“Are you ready?”

I grab a hand-full of pens and a couple of bottles of ink - I don’t even look to see what I am grabbing... we walk to the register and I notice that everyone is dressed in clothing from the 1970's... after paying for my merchandise and right before we walk out of the store I say to Jan - “some thing’s not right here...” to which he replies - “it never is...”

We walk out of the store and go in the direction in which I came but turn left at the corner where the store sits and walk up a road were the buildings are getting to be further separated and I can see that we are heading to a more rural area... a strange box looking van drives up the road and stops beside us - Jan says he needs to go make a deal with this guy and walks to talk to him - the van is a box and the front is completely mad of glass - the driver is sitting behind a desk and I can see filing cabinets behind him - it looks like a half office half van... very weird... Jan came back to me and the first thing he say is - “You have to be very careful Victor...”

I just look at him - he turns to me and smiles...

I hear a voice in my head - it says - have you seen the devil lately... and I look around to see if there is anyone else around... we are now walking down a country road with trees on both side of us... to the left there is a small shop with one of those boxy vans in front and there is a girl sitting behind the drivers desk... Jan says - “I’d like to get her into the cult...” with a laugh... I laugh too.

“Look at this...” someone says... in front of us there is a tree and hanging from the branches is a man in a flight suit that is burnt and sticking to half his body... he is black and covered in ash... he is half naked and dangling upside down... his hair is blond and dirty... we run to the tree and help him down - he is a bit confused about where he is but able to explain what happened -

“I lost power... all the electrics shut off and I began to spiral... I could not control the stick we shut down and  began to fall from the sky... something hit me... a wave... a pulse... like I flew into a wave in the ocean... it flipped the jet... and I tumbled down...”

“Where’s the jet...” I asked

It was on the other side of the tree - which we did not see before but was now there... a fighter jet, dark blue, with round curves - it looked more like a car from the forties with those curves... but it was very elegant for a fighter jet... the girl that was siting in the boxy van in front of the shop runs to us screaming... the pilot looks up and says - it’s starting again... we all look up...

The sky is blue and peaceful... just as the sun begins to sit... and the green flashes of light begin... first a flash of green-white light then it ripples out to form a circle wave... the planes fall... some flashes look like fire works... the planes fall from the sky... but I know there is something else up in the sky... there is something behind that screen... when the pilot said - “it’s starting again” I woke up from the dream... I was laying there remembering the flashes and the sky and the planes tumbling down... but I was wide awake remembering the scene in my head... there is something else in the sky...  The sky is not real... it is a screen... something else is projecting the image I am looking at - but the planes that are falling are real... the planes that are falling are real...

V. V.

Nov. 11, 2013

Friday, January 10, 2014

DERINGER STYLE - clothes

When I suit up - I suit up as if it was my last day on earth... I have made fashion mistakes when I was young... but now that I am older I know what works for me and I know how to dress for the part I want to play - and for the women I want to play with... I don’t wear modern off the rack suits designed by gay men for little boys... I have always looked my best in a six button double breasted suit - the kind ARMANI used to make back in the eighties and early nineties... a suit that Bogart and Gable would wear... I don’t like crazy patterns and prefer solid colors - Black and Charcoal, Navy Blue and Grey... and deep dark Chocolate Brown...  Paired with straight arrow shirts and thick ties with an emphasis on solid colors - but I do own patterned neck ties... I prefer black shoes but on an occasion will wear shoes in rich dark whiskey...

Casual wear - I prefer trousers to dungarees... but when I wear jeans I like them loose fitting - not baggy... snug in the right places but loose with boot cut legs... I haven’t wore boots in a while but when I do wear them I wear ropers - and I don’t normally shine them - they actually look like they are worn for working in  - and usually they have been... fading black leather... or brown that just came in from the range -  in my boots... and an old white t-shirt... sans belt and dirt in my hair... though not too many people will actually see me like this, as I would not go out in public looking as such... I love my denim jacket - from Geofrey Beene... it looks and feels good on me... it’s starting to fade in patches -the shoulders - from back packing and around the pockets... I wear that with khakis and my white jeans... with cargo pants and dark trousers - I  wear it  in big cities and out into the wilds... beaches and deserts... I take it everywhere I go... I  have a very nice dark brown leather jacket that I never wear - but when I finally take my long motor cycle journey I plan to beat the delicate designer boutique sensibilities out of it... T-shirts... I don’t wear too often out in public - but I do have a small collection in solid colors - black, white, and blue... ribbed and without logos - you would have to pay me a whole bunch of money to advertise your brand on my chest - I will not pay good money to wear a brand on my clothes... that is just fucking stupid and I practically laugh my ass off when I see young people spend so much money for a brand - fucking idiots... I don’t wear tennis shoes except  to work out - they really are not important to me... I wear blazers with jeans and dress shoes - but when there is no one to meet for business and I am just knocking about on my own - you will spot me haunting used book stores in dark slacks and a blue colored long sleeve shirt... or in my favorite eatery in a blazer... hiding behind  my laptop... trying to prevent my world  from falling apart...

On cold winter days I will be wrapped up in thick wool turtle neck sweaters in dark colors - black and grey... my winter clothes lack color or imagination as the purpose is to stay warm and only that... and the only color you will find on me other than my denim jacket and camel blazer will be found in my scarfs... I own two trench coats one in dark blue for suiting up and one in khaki... but I have not really wore them since I left Chicago...

And that is how you dress up Dash Deringer...