Saturday, February 28, 2015

let the night fall

Let the night fall
slowly and gently
cover my heart
with the stars in your eyes
Let the night fall
like a feather from an owls wing
floating carelessly
through the sky

Let the night fall
like petals from a flower
from your penthouse apartment
onto the street
Let the night fall
like leaves in Autumn
as sad and lonely as my heart beats

Let the night fall
like the whispers of a lover
calming the butterflies inside
Let the night fall
like the tears of my mother
a ripple that turns into a tide

Saturday, February 21, 2015

live and love like there is no tomorrow...

I am glad if you are thinking about Veronica... whether it is good or bad... she said that there would be nothing left in this world to prove that she was ever here... that the world would not miss her if she was gone as it did not care about her as she wandered the streets of Asuncion - and the markets buying her herbs and visiting the homes of the witches to cleanse her aura and her spirit... to shake the demons out of her... to make her better... when she was in my arms she would cry and ask me if I loved her... I would tell her that I don’t know if what we have is love - but I am not ready to let it go... and she would tell me that she was my woman and that I am her man and that she would never let me leave... a very big part of me wanted to hear that... enjoyed actually hearing it... but... the rest of me just didn’t believe it... I had become too cynical... I had lost my faith in women... in love... in magic... in God... I had lost my faith in myself and  I wanted to just get lost again in the streets in the darkness of the clouds of cocaine... in the darkness of my mind... but I could not... I had found some one that needed me... some one that wanted me - whether it was real or not I chose to let myself believe - or at the very least I pretended that I believed that Veronica was mine... and that I was hers... she wanted love... she wanted to have a man of her own and she wanted to be taken care of... she wanted a family and a home... and I needed to become a man...

Veronica did not have mental issues... she knew her number had come up and did not know how much time she had left... she was angry because she felt robbed of the things she wanted... she was very jealous when I was not around - when I had to go to work and go hustling with Frankie to make money... eventually I had to let Frankie know that Veronica was coming along... and... I actually liked it... having her around... and so did Frankie... and so did everyone else... everyone loved her... she was young and beautiful and vibrant... nobody but the three of us knew she was sick and I wanted to do whatever I could to make her forget that she was ill and make her smile... her smile... made it easier to believe in God... most of the moments when she would loose it were times I came home late - but I was trying to raise money... she would go and spy on me and question me about all the women I spoke to - women I had nothing to do with but just happened to be around... the girl friends of associates and dancers and shop girls... she didn’t care... who they were  - but she would pull her knife on me and make her threats... now - many Latin women are this way  - way down south... they will pull a knife... that’s just passion...but one night I came home late and she pulled her knife - I kitchen knife... I had enough and I slapped the knife out of her hand and she came at me... punching and clawing at me and I slapped her... she fell back on to the bed and as soon as I had done it by heart sunk and my soul exploded... what had I done... she wasn’t moving...

I ran to her and lifted her into my arms.. I could hear her struggling to breath but it was getting slower and harder... baby... not now..
Not like this...

I laid her down gently and ran down the hall to get Frankie... he got the car ready and I carried her downstairs... Frankie sped off to the hospital... I sat in the back with Veronica in my arms...

Baby, not now... not like this... I made promises to her in whispers... in between deep heavy breaths... the cities I would show her... the beaches we would see... the names of our sons...  Baby, not now... not like this... I went half way around to world to forget Elsa... I abandoned Carmen and gave up on Amanda... I slipped out into the night when Diana was not looking and countless other women before I found Veronica... but I just knew I was not strong enough to lose her... not like this... not now...

Her rage and anxiety and her jealousy would just make things worse she could not be over exerting herself... she did not have a mental problem - she had a heart problem... and I didn’t always make things easy... but I didn’t know how to deal with her... but those moments... those quiet gentle moments when the nights were calm and it was just the two  of us and she gave me her love... those nights when I did not doubt it and in our little room I would tell her stories of my life that would make her laugh... those nights we would take Frank’s car around town and she would tilt her head out the window to look at the city at night... and smile at the strangers passing by... the mornings she would wake my with her gentle kisses and  help me get ready to get to work... when it was good - it could not get better... we were made for each other...

I hid that part of my life away for a very long time... I carried her ghost with me around the world... I used to chase her sent in the night... I could hear her voice in crowded rooms... in lonely cities... I would hear her crying in the shower... at the edge of my bed in the dark... she was always with me to haunt me as she said she would... but when her ghost came around less and less I began to speak of her... in the last few years... she has all but disappeared from this world but I can not... I will not let her go... not now... not like this... I have written poems for her... songs for her... a book for her... there are traces of her now everywhere I have been... in my words and on the wire - here... at this site...
I walked away from women that would have done anything for me... I have let models and dancers go... I have had meaningless sex with beautiful women that I threw away... like cheap whores... but still... I cannot let her go... I may come off as sounding weak and miserable but she is in-fact... my strength...

She was eighteen years old... she was beautiful... she was magic.

 no... that was not the night she passed away...

Friday, February 20, 2015

Dash Deringer - Solitary Man

I have always been a loner... always have enjoyed my own company and time to myself... I have always been a dreamer and wanderer...

There was a time when I was young when my family did not have much money - so I did not have too many toys to play with, but I had my imagination and the streets and the courtyard to play in and fill my time... creating worlds and adventures all to my own... and strangely - even all by myself playing in my imaginary world I managed to get myself into trouble... that’s talent!

As I got older and made friends I still preferred being alone - I just always felt out place with others - well... It took me a long time to find my own crowd... but still... when you are young you are told that you need friends - but I don’t think you do... when I was young I never shared any thing significant with my friends... no deep thoughts... no dreams and fears... no hopes and aspirations... we just drank... and drank some more... my friends from high school are no longer my friends and I have not seen or spoken to them in many years - and I have no desire to do so... one of my closest friends from high school once told me I had no soul when I first started to build my first studio... he actually told me that I had lost my soul - when I was chasing after my dreams... fuck him... another close friend of mine let me get jumped by a gang of six in Juarez one night - a case of mistaken identity - and would not help me because of something he blames me for that I had no control over... fuck him too... even the friends I had after high school when I was working in the clubs  are no longer around... I went around the world and have gathered a simple clan... (outside of my family) that I keep close to me - and even they are in other parts of the world... but we do share the same ideals... the same goals... and we’ve all chased after the gold and the glory together... we rarely get together as we did a couple of moths ago... and I will get together with one of them on occasion - mostly with Cris Montes... but I am mostly alone

I did not pay attention until some one brought it to me - that most of my writings are about women... well... there it is... I enjoy women... apparently, many women... why I have ended up writing mostly about women I am not sure... The Deringer Files was always going to by a place to post my silly poetry... and there was a time in another format when The Deringer Files was getting too political - but after getting too many post vanish from the wire I stopped... and I try not to state my views on many subjects on line - that is why I don’t place too many comments on the sites I linger on.  I also don’t do any social networking on-line... I don’t really know why I am here... I don’t care about creating the biggest blog on the web and as some might know - I loose readers  - new readers that come and linger then get offended  - or their image of me is shattered and they leave... and I have been blocked from sites for some remark I made here or posted on some ones site... I once lost a reader from Asia because I said I did not like women with tattoos... she came and left and  meant nothing to me as I never knew who she was until she sent a comment telling me that people think tattoos are sexy - whatever... she didn’t like my opinion and left... Dagmar says it will be hard for us to sell books if people don’t like me... well... there it is - I can pick up women but I can’t make friends... I’ll be fine...

The women are just a part of the journey... but they are at the bottom of my priorities... For Dash Deringer, the solitary man, spends quite a lot of his time planning and scheming and preparing ways to make money... and just as much time planning and scheming and preparing ways to keep what I have earned... I am basically self employed... or as I say - self sustained... which requires a lot of alone time... most of it is learning and making contacts... maintaining those contacts and cultivating them... there are people who don’t care about my personal opinions as long as I make them money and I feel the same way... separate your feelings from the money and we’ll do business... but it is getting harder to even do that... but I make it work..  The women - they come and go... I enjoy the company of young ladies but I enjoy more the time I spend alone... time to think... to read and to learn new things... time to write and draw and paint... time to work out and exercise... time to go for a long walk - to hike and go camping and spend time out in nature alone and get myself centered in mind and spirit... time alone to be one with the sea... to sit in silence on a lonely beach... I can’t be alone with women around - they require attention... they require drama... can women just be alone... without their phones and no computer and no one around just to be alone? Not in my experience - women get bored and they move on to someone else... you can do anything to a woman... but don’t let her get bored with you...

Being a self sustained man - I only require a woman’s company for one thing... and that I prefer not to do alone... but alone I prefer and chose to be - I am not lonely... I am alone

while surfing the hot sheets I came across this Norman Rockwell... that man could be me...

If you ask me - What are you looking for?

I will tell you - a simple uncomplicated life.

Ask me - What do you want?

And I will say - My little house by the sea... my little boat... my freedom... my money... and my clan.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Monday, February 16, 2015

paper hearts...

Paper hearts can fade in time
Lose their color when love wont shine
Paper hearts can rip and tear
Even if nobody’s there
Paper hearts can catch on fire
A spark or match or it’s own desire
Paper hearts are not that strong
On paper hearts I wrote love songs
Paper hearts are all around
Blowing in the wind - scattered on the ground
If a paper heart is a heart you hold
You’ve got to know it’s worth more than gold

Paper hearts are children’s dreams
A poets words, a lover’s screams
Paper hearts are your hopes and fears
Paper hearts are your joys and tears
Paper hearts are all I see
Lonely paper hearts chasing after me
Paper hearts get blown away
If love’s not strong enough to make them stay
Paper hearts are all around
Blowing in the wind - scattered on the ground
If a paper heart is a heart you hold
You’ve got to know it’s worth more than gold
it's cheesy... but there it is...