Saturday, February 21, 2015

live and love like there is no tomorrow...

I am glad if you are thinking about Veronica... whether it is good or bad... she said that there would be nothing left in this world to prove that she was ever here... that the world would not miss her if she was gone as it did not care about her as she wandered the streets of Asuncion - and the markets buying her herbs and visiting the homes of the witches to cleanse her aura and her spirit... to shake the demons out of her... to make her better... when she was in my arms she would cry and ask me if I loved her... I would tell her that I don’t know if what we have is love - but I am not ready to let it go... and she would tell me that she was my woman and that I am her man and that she would never let me leave... a very big part of me wanted to hear that... enjoyed actually hearing it... but... the rest of me just didn’t believe it... I had become too cynical... I had lost my faith in women... in love... in magic... in God... I had lost my faith in myself and  I wanted to just get lost again in the streets in the darkness of the clouds of cocaine... in the darkness of my mind... but I could not... I had found some one that needed me... some one that wanted me - whether it was real or not I chose to let myself believe - or at the very least I pretended that I believed that Veronica was mine... and that I was hers... she wanted love... she wanted to have a man of her own and she wanted to be taken care of... she wanted a family and a home... and I needed to become a man...

Veronica did not have mental issues... she knew her number had come up and did not know how much time she had left... she was angry because she felt robbed of the things she wanted... she was very jealous when I was not around - when I had to go to work and go hustling with Frankie to make money... eventually I had to let Frankie know that Veronica was coming along... and... I actually liked it... having her around... and so did Frankie... and so did everyone else... everyone loved her... she was young and beautiful and vibrant... nobody but the three of us knew she was sick and I wanted to do whatever I could to make her forget that she was ill and make her smile... her smile... made it easier to believe in God... most of the moments when she would loose it were times I came home late - but I was trying to raise money... she would go and spy on me and question me about all the women I spoke to - women I had nothing to do with but just happened to be around... the girl friends of associates and dancers and shop girls... she didn’t care... who they were  - but she would pull her knife on me and make her threats... now - many Latin women are this way  - way down south... they will pull a knife... that’s just passion...but one night I came home late and she pulled her knife - I kitchen knife... I had enough and I slapped the knife out of her hand and she came at me... punching and clawing at me and I slapped her... she fell back on to the bed and as soon as I had done it by heart sunk and my soul exploded... what had I done... she wasn’t moving...

I ran to her and lifted her into my arms.. I could hear her struggling to breath but it was getting slower and harder... baby... not now..
           
Not like this...

I laid her down gently and ran down the hall to get Frankie... he got the car ready and I carried her downstairs... Frankie sped off to the hospital... I sat in the back with Veronica in my arms...

Baby, not now... not like this... I made promises to her in whispers... in between deep heavy breaths... the cities I would show her... the beaches we would see... the names of our sons...  Baby, not now... not like this... I went half way around to world to forget Elsa... I abandoned Carmen and gave up on Amanda... I slipped out into the night when Diana was not looking and countless other women before I found Veronica... but I just knew I was not strong enough to lose her... not like this... not now...

Her rage and anxiety and her jealousy would just make things worse she could not be over exerting herself... she did not have a mental problem - she had a heart problem... and I didn’t always make things easy... but I didn’t know how to deal with her... but those moments... those quiet gentle moments when the nights were calm and it was just the two  of us and she gave me her love... those nights when I did not doubt it and in our little room I would tell her stories of my life that would make her laugh... those nights we would take Frank’s car around town and she would tilt her head out the window to look at the city at night... and smile at the strangers passing by... the mornings she would wake my with her gentle kisses and  help me get ready to get to work... when it was good - it could not get better... we were made for each other...

I hid that part of my life away for a very long time... I carried her ghost with me around the world... I used to chase her sent in the night... I could hear her voice in crowded rooms... in lonely cities... I would hear her crying in the shower... at the edge of my bed in the dark... she was always with me to haunt me as she said she would... but when her ghost came around less and less I began to speak of her... in the last few years... she has all but disappeared from this world but I can not... I will not let her go... not now... not like this... I have written poems for her... songs for her... a book for her... there are traces of her now everywhere I have been... in my words and on the wire - here... at this site...
I walked away from women that would have done anything for me... I have let models and dancers go... I have had meaningless sex with beautiful women that I threw away... like cheap whores... but still... I cannot let her go... I may come off as sounding weak and miserable but she is in-fact... my strength...

She was eighteen years old... she was beautiful... she was magic.

 no... that was not the night she passed away...

12 comments:

deborahflorence said...

I'm gonna give you to you straight and that's gonna be it--no more long passages to read.

You have allowed one woman to impact your entire life up to this point in a negative way. Elsa probably has no clue as how to much she has affected you. If she wanted to take revenge on you by marrying someone else (and maybe she didn't), then she has won big time. Wonderful, beautiful women have come and gone because you couldn't commit to them. You couldn't tell them you loved them.

Now, these women, I'm sure, were able to figure you out and, when they realiZed it, they could have left and the sooner the better. It's stupid for any woman to think she can change a man in a short period of time. The few women I know who had the guts to hang in there and succeed at it would say it didn't happen over night. Instead, they will say that it took years of undivided devotion and love. Now if they stayed in part because they were enjoying themselves then they used you too.

Now Veronica . . . well, she was great. The knife thing--I'm sorry but she was her own little version of hell on wheels. A lot people hum through life, not really noticing anything but not her. She kicked life in the balls and kept on going until her time was up. If you do publish your book, be fair. Make no compromises or allowances for either one of you. As a woman myself, I think she would want it that way.

I don't know if you'll ever find "the one." I do know it's high time you shook Elsa off completely and started looking at love, relationships, women, the world and damn near everything differently. Else, are you going to let that Elsa back then keep winning for the rest of your life??!

dash deringer said...

There you go again - you are assuming too much... you don’t know anything about me except for what you have read here... stop that Debs...!!!

Elsa happened about 20 years ago... I left her... I made my choice and it was a good one... trust me when I tell I have grown into a better person... the women are just a sweet distraction - I am having fun... I am not an evil man... women - for the most part know what they are getting into with me... yes... they are using me too... I know it... I let it happen... I’m having fun...every once in a while one comes a long that stays longer and that is good... but I am not getting married... I have need to or want to... I do not need to tell a woman that I love her... if I don’t feel it... why say it...

I do not even think about Elsa... I have been with so many better women... I have let better women get away... and it has nothing to do with her... I am 45 years old... living a better life than I did back then... getting women for me is not hard at all... shit... I don’t even know sometimes how I do it... but a lot of the time young women chase me... not to sound boastful - but that is just the way it is... Elsa has nothing to do with my life now... I don’t think about her... she is not worth discussing too much... I don’t know where she is, what she does or what kind of life she has... I don’t care and it is not my concern... I made my choice and she made hers... If I could go back in time and marry a girl it would have been a girl named Carmen... if I could go back and do things different with one it would have been Amanda... If I could have been a better person with anyone it would have been Veronica... my life... my journey into enlightenment... into manhood... into evolving into what I am now - and I have no complaints of where and who I am now... begins when my life with Elsa ends... I do believe that relationship ending was destiny... I am happy... I like my life... men wished they had my life... Dagmar - my assistant - is the one who convinced me to finally write “Girl with a broken heart” and the one I am working on now "Modern Blues” - which is my story from when I left Elsa to before I met Veronica - it is an expansion of my blog post “the long slow seduction”... there is no need to tell Elsa's story - nothing happened... I was young and stupid... I had no life... the end...

Stop your assumptions that I am carrying around baggage for E - I am not... I am pretty sure many women are glad I am the way I am - because I had become a pussy back then... failure after failure broke me and she did nothing to pick me up... was better off with out her... I am confident now - I am strong... I am happy I am better looking more charming... in better shape... I have grown spiritually, mentally and financially... all these things I could not have done with her...she didn’t support me she didn’t motivate me... blah blah blah... this is silly... why am I explaining my life to you... my life rocks...

Have we met - again I ask.

deborahflorence said...

I still think you're kidding yourself. You're in denial. She was the only woman you said "I love you" to and she didn't appreciate it. You said it yourself. What if she had apprecieated it like you wanted her to? Her love letters which you kept for so long . . .It's ok to own it.

I didn't say you had to get married. You keep looking for the one--just one goddamn it. Why keep looking for her? You never plan to marry her anyway. I'm sure your life rocks. Any man would be envious of your sex life for sure. It's great that you're happy. It makes me glad your happy even though I've never met you to answer your question. You do look handsome in your pictures but you don't look really happy in any of them. No smiles. Try smiling in one and maybe I'll change my mind.

If you don't feel love for a woman, then why should you say it? It doesn't makes sense to me either and I'm brilliant, remember?! But, why can't you feel love for another woman? Why say it to Elsa and no one else? It leads me to believe something is wrong somewhere. And, young, stupid and Elsa sounds like a good place to start.

Sorry, sweet charmer but I would have dumped your ass and left you crying in the rain or hot sun--take your pick.

deborahflorence said...

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound harsh. I'm sure your're wonderful and a good writer. I don't like people who play games. I played them some too, but I wised up and realized I was hurting myself and some others. And, you don't have to tell me anything. Perhaps you've met me in one your dreams. Now that would be really weird.

You're talking about Veronica, the book. I've been getting it out of you bit by bit. You know you have honored Veronica with the words you have said about her. That's worth something too.

All of these women who wanted more than you could give them--no I love yous--I would have never wasted my time trying to get that from any man. If he didn't give it freely, then I wouldn't have made an issue out of it. I would have just moved on and very quickly--now you see me, now you don't. I know my self worth. I'm a daughter, a princess mind of you, of the Most High King. I would be happy living the rest of my life alone--I need alone time too--than to be with a man who couldn't give me all of himself, who couldn't tell me he loved me, who couldn't commit to me.

Now, about that five years you have never written about . . . just kidding. I know you've read a lot stuff from me. I'm wearing you out. 4:00am in the morning and you're reading. Go to bed next time if you can fall asleep. LOL

deborahflorence said...

I just woke up. I hate it when this happens. Hopefully, I will go back to sleep at some point.

BTW, my wonderful huband did it again. I was at a ladies conference today. He left a love note on the windshield of my car--it was from him and the kids.

just curious--Have you ever heard of some missionaries in or around Eagle Pass, Tx or Mission Mexico?

deborahflorence said...

One of my strange dreams . . . I was in my bed surrounded by demons. I felt them more than saw them. They wanted to have intercourse with me but I didn't want it. With everything in me, I struggled to say "Jesus" and then I woke up.

deborahflorence said...

Sons of Anarchy is an American television series about the lives of a close-knit outlaw motorcycle club operating in Charming, a fictional town in California's Central Valley. The show centers on Jackson "Jax" Teller, initially the vice president of the club, who begins questioning the club and himself.

You can watch episodes on your computer. They were kick ass. Jax Teller could save me anytime. I would welcome it. I miss it now that the series has ended.

deborahflorence said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
dash deringer said...

Deborah Florence,

The Chief is on holiday and has no computer. I have removed your contact information from this site and it has been indexed for his return. Please do not re-post it.

Dags.

deborahflorence said...

I apologize. I won't repost it again. It was silly for me do it in the first place I guess.

My deepest apologies.

deborahflorence said...

Please, please don't be angry with me. I'm going to leave you alone--cross my heart, and pinkie swear.

I did have a dream about you. I dreamed that I was somewhere and I found myself standing right behind you. People kept moving and I woke up. It was of no consequence really.

Also, your idea of a little house by the sea sounds wonderful and beautiful. I have a picture of a little house by the sea in my bedroom. I've had it for 12 years and it is one of my favorite pictures in my home.

deborahflorence said...

It's me again. I know, I know.

Veronica said . . . live and love like there is no tomorrow.

Since her death, you have not honored that request. You have continued to treat women the same as you always have--like you treated Veronica and those before her except for E.

Here's an idea. Try getting to know a woman for a while before sleeping with her. An even better idea--don't sleep with a woman unless you love her. They deserve that. The best idea--don't laugh--once you realize you love a woman then tell her and say you would like to save lovemaking for the wedding night and don't take forever to propose either. I think Veronica would be pleased with my suggestions.

And, call your dear mother. I keep thinking about her. When was the last time you called her?!

You are a good man, flawed but your core is good.