I wander through the corridors without a purpose as I have wandered through this world – looking for a reason for the things I do... but I find no answers and no echoes calling back to me.
I drift from empty room to empty room in this big old house listening for her whispers... but there are no ghost here or memories of her... no lingering scent of her, no shadows of her to chase after... no phantoms of my past and, it seems, no visions I can see of a future here with you.
I bought this old house to try to seduce you back – foolish... I know.
It was before I learned that you had found another to attempt to spend the rest of your life with... were you going to wait until after you got married to tell me... I've been through that before... but I guess you figured that someone else would let me know... and now I am stuck with this big old empty house – you would have like it.
I have not stepped outside in three weeks and I have run out of food... there is water and some liquor... some tobacco... internet... the sound of my own breathing that keeps me company until it gets on my nerves some nights when the madness takes over and I chase after the sound of my own footsteps in the dark the way I chased Veronica's ghost when she still came around... but she did not follow me here...
I stand in the middle of empty rooms sometimes and think of how I would have made love to you there... how I would have poured out all my desires for you there and fucked you until I had forgotten who I was... here, I would have abandoned everything just to be alone with you... alone... with you.
You know I don't need you – and you don't want to hear that anyway, but I did want you... “did”, how easy it to say now that you belong to another... but what can I do... we made our choices – not sure I made the right one... are you?
Don't call me crying after you get married or get in touch with me to tell me that you want to come back – though I already know that you will not... but... I never know just what you might do... does he know that you are as crazy as I am... I heard everyone was shocked to find out that you left me “intact”... yes, I am very proud of the strength it took not to devour you... but you said no sex before marriage... and you kept your word... you may have just figured out now who told me... and he is under the impression that I have also been outcast from the network... I saw him in Juarez... he has gone chasing a more spiritual destiny.
What of my own destiny...
I can't find the motivation to step out the door and go buy some food... but that has nothing to do with you – you know my moods and how easily I let myself get lost in them.
You left just when you had me convinced... I was ready to let it all go and vanish where no-one we know would find us... but you got crazy and let your imagination run wild and you left... I was ready baby doll...
This big empty house...
The problems of the world do not penetrate the gates... they don't even reach this town.
So why should I even care about the problems of the world here... no-one knows I am here and no-one knows where here is... but here is where I am... without you.
I won't apologize for the girls I have loved or for the love I have made... I won't apologize for the hearts I have broken and the women I threw away... the kisses I have stolen and the love I have abandoned... I made those choices... but I never knew you would be part of my life the way you were... I never expected there would ever be any emotions between us... you know why I held my love at bay... and you know why I chose the road I travel... but do you know why I took the fork in the road that I took?
Do you really want to know where your father found me... how he found me and why I was all bashed up when he brought me home... because if you really want to know... I will tell you...
if I ever see you again.