Slave to the muse

A whisper a sigh - the truth in her lies
The promise of fortune and fame...
Her kiss and her touch - are now my crutch
And I love her but know not her name...

She comes to inspire - and quench her  desire
She leaves me a weak,  broken man...
But I give and I take - my heart she can break
For those riches I’ll do what I can...

Sweet seductive words - phrases no one has heard
Visions of  love I require...
And I tumble and fall - on my knees I will crawl
To her alter to light her holy fire...

I’ll raise demons from hell - call down angels as well
For my mistress demands all my passions
In return for my soul  - she has promised me gold
And young maidens in the latest fashions...
                                   
For my art I would bleed - go insane, yes indeed
The Muse will grant gifts to her lover...
And they will tell my story - lacking not in glory
For the treasures of fame I did suffer...

More on Lessons Learned The Hard Way...

I just want to make sure that there are no misunderstanding about my last post - Lessons Learned The Hard Way -

I love women... smart women, beautiful women, kind and gentle womanly women... and on occasion... even crazy women....

And yes - I did say in these Deringer Files somewhere that “I prefer whores...”  I have been with plenty of them and I have been with plenty of women that just plain behaved like whores... the thing is kiddies... things are just much more simple when dealing with whores... it’s just business... sad but true... there are no games involved just a business transaction... between to consenting adults...

Now... with your common domestic whore... a woman that dresses like a whore and acts like a whore... you know what game she is playing as well... you’re not going to get involved with her.... she will not be the mother of your children... she is just there for a good time and you get out and forget her before you reach home...

I also mentioned recently that all the women that I have been with that ended up marrying - did not do so for love... but out of other needs entirely... and I suspect for many the motivation was money... gentlemen... if you cannot figure out that a women is only after you for your money and gifts... and whatever she can get her hands on... then you deserve what’s coming....

I also do not want to give the impression that I am a bitter... jaded man... I am far from it... I am... I believe to be... awake... my eyes have been opened... and I cannot go back to being the man I was before... everything I have been through...

Many women do not understand and few will admit to the fact that the jerk that they left their nice boyfriend for... was in-fact himself a “nice guy”... He did not start out as the arrogant... self centered jerk that they hope will be their lover and... though he is flawed  - they will change him.... no... my dear girl... he has already changed... into what he now is... and he... as many of us... learned his lesson’s the hard way... His heart was broken... he was used and made a fool of... he was humiliated... and rejected for another.. He was betrayed... he was crushed... and left a broken man... until one day... he woke up... and learned to play the game... the game women invented...

Women will not tell men what they want from them... Women will not help young boys to become men... and unfortunately in the world we live in today... real men... are few and far between... In the west it seems that many women want a metro sexual male that they can have sex with without a serious commitment.. that they can use and abuse as their pets... but they fall to the ground in awe when confronted with a real man...  Many a young feminist was forced to confront her beliefs just to be with me... and by the time they realized what it was that they really wanted... it was too late... I had moved on to the next one...

I was in my mid thirties when I decided on the man I wanted to be... before that I wandered the world without any direction... and I do take part of the blame for all those relationships that did not work out back then... but since then... well... I know what I want... and I wont settle for less...

I don’t care about those relationships that failed and went nowhere... though I do reflect on them from time to time... knowing what I know now... and wonder... just wonder...

I also want to let young men know that you do not treat a woman badly... do not abuse them or harm them in any way... there is nothing manly in that and you are just fucking things up for the rest of us... mainly... for the next one...

What I want you to take away from that post is that women play games... they have some strange logic... they believe that you are proving to them how much of a man you are by testing you with their foolish crap... to see how much you will put up with and how much they can get away with... they want to see you  react to it... like a man or like a boy... when They pull that with me... I stop it immediately... I have walked out on women in the middle of a meal... sometimes before the meal arrived to show them I am not playing... now... some would say to let it play out and see where it leads... I have been with enough women to know who I want to play the game with and who is full of shit... “But what about the sex, Dash... You could have bagged her...” I can get any one I want... the sex is not important... I am looking for the one...

Now... about those Asian girls... the Eastern European and Russian... and Latin American Women... They play games too... but they decide a lot faster if they want to be with you... they see the potential in a man and will work with him...in these countries there is a lot of machismo in the men... and that is not manly either... that is why I said all you have to do is be a gentleman... (plus in Asia - many young men are way to faggitty... is that a word - they are way too metro sexual that you cannot actually tell if they are young men or boyish women... a lot of Asian boys are indeed confused)... you will also notice that these women do not have a problem with being with older gentlemen... I believe they feel that older men are much more stable, reliable, sensitive to their needs and fears... they are financially stable... and secure... these men  can protect them and provide for them... they are done playing games... will appreciate them more than younger men will... they are worldly and honorable.... but.... you might just have to ask a woman why she prefers an older lover to a younger one...

Live and love like there is no tomorrow... why would you want to waste precious time playing foolish games... when you could be sharing something beautiful...

Yes...

I still believe in love... I am a sucker for it...

I don’t claim to fully understand it or know exactly what it is... but I want it... I know I do... and  I give it when I can...

These poems come from somewhere...

     Somewhere deep inside me...

          Where I still believe in love...

Lessons Learned The Hard Way

I do not post this with the intent of offending anyone... These are my personal feelings and thoughts on this subject based on experience... I post this for any young men that may happen by this humble little site... many women may not agree with this - feel free to disagree... but keep an open mind and you may learn something as well... 

concerning women
(in no particular order put equally important)

 1.  Never tell a woman she is beautiful - They don’t want to hear it but they do want to feel it.  They want attention from men, they want to know that they can get you to do anything for them but they want the challenge of it as well.  When you tell a woman she is beautiful it makes their game too easy and they will use this to their advantage to manipulate you - and women will not respect you if they can manipulate you... When the time comes to show a woman your appreciation for her beauty - show her with your actions... with the way you look at her and the way you take her whenever it pleases you to make savage love to her... and give her your attention only when she has earned it - when she has something interesting to share with you.

 2.  “I can’t live without you...” Yes, you can live without her... again women don’t want to hear this over and over again from men... This too they will use to manipulate you.  You have to get her to say “I can’t live without you...” to you... You have to be the man she wants you to be - If she has a fantasy, you must be that fantasy, If she has some ideal, you must be that ideal... take control of her and the relationship... you are the boss... you are king... you are the alpha dog... You can live without her and she has to realize that you know that she can be replaced.  No matter what bullshit games she plays with you to test how much she can get away with and how far she can go - put a stop to it quick - just look at her with a serene, but stern look, and do not say a word, gaze deep into her eyes and try to transfer your thoughts into her mind - this will work, she will get the message - and think “I can get better than you... and I deserve better then you... you can be replaced...” then, very subtly shake your head in disappointment... slowly turn around and walk away - in business and in relationships, the silent treatment works wonders.  You will get your point across and soon the games and bull-shit will cease - this took me a long time to learn but I thank the angels above that I finally learned it... Every time she says some thing or does something you do not approve of - Just give her that look - not in anger - let out a subtle disapproving sigh through your nostrils and look away - important: when giving her the silent stare, do not break eye contact until you have made her look down - when she starts to act like a child treat her like a child - you’re the daddy... you don’t raise your voice - just give her the look...

When a woman realizes that you neither need her for your happiness nor depend on her for anything, she will try harder for your attention and affection... she will try harder to please you - especially if you are indeed the alpha dog...

 3.  The Alpha Male - We all know who the big dog is when he walks into the room... even when a bigger alpha male walks in to replace the one presently there... you know when it happens... women want the top dog... plain and simple.  You become the top dog - the alpha male, by being confident, by living without fear, by being comfortable with yourself and loving yourself and respecting yourself.  You have a code of ethics and morals that will not be broken for no man or woman. You have honor and dignity... you have pride and integrity... and it shows... You are self reliant and depend on no one for your happiness... you do not need to pay attention to every pretty girl that walks in front of you... because you can have any woman that you want... you are important - so act important until your subconscious believes that you are - in turn, you will subconsciously begin to behave as important people behave*, and you will be treated with the respect that important people receive.  You do not need to please anyone - the world must please you... you are a leader... those around you follow you because you make them feel good, because they receive rewards from you in compliments, knowledge, inspiration, motivation... and love...

Reward those that behave and shame those that do not... not with anger... with the look... to give someone the look in-front of others is quite painful...

The alpha male is the man that leads other men... the best position to be in if you are not the alpha - but on your way to becoming the alpha - is to be the one that the alpha turns to when he needs something done... the one that the alpha confides in, the alpha’s right hand man... but still then you are the beta... you are moving up in the world... but you want to break out on your own... you need your own followers... men that need a leader... men that will sing your praises... that will fight for you and go to war with you... your cult...

Remember these words: people will do anything for those who encourage their dreams, justify their failures, allie their fears, confirm their suspicions, and help them throw rocks at their enemies.

Do I have my own cult of followers - no, but I don’t need one...

 4.  Do not loose your cool - do not show emotions like anger, jealousy, fear.  Your woman wants to know that you are in control.  She wants to feel safe and secure.  You are there to protect her and to provide for her safety.  She wants to go to bed at night knowing that her home is secure... there is food in the pantry and money in the bank... she wants to know that you are her man and that she is your woman... if any problems arise you will handle the situation - no matter what it is  - like a man... with confidence and integrity. Do not cry in front of your woman - do not show weakness... if you have to lock yourself in the closet to pray to god and drink half a bottle of scotch do so... but do not let her see you break down... she will loose respect for you...

 5.  Do not borrow money from your woman - never... women are funny about this - and remember, they created this... when you are with a women what is hers is hers and what is yours is hers... when you break up she takes what is hers and expects all monies loaned to you to be returned... but you are not allowed to ask for the gifts you gave her to be returned nor any monies given to be repaid... young men, this is important - once you borrow money from a woman she’s lost respect for you - she wants a man that is self reliant and independent - not a boy...   

 6. Relax - don’t worry, be happy... the Buddhists say, if a problem has a solution it will come, if it does not, then worrying about it will not help... You are confident and relaxed at all times... you are serious when it is time to be and you have a good time when good times come around... you do not need to worry about anything because you can handle any situation that should arise with confidence and integrity... when you are out with your woman and she wants to go mingle, kiss her on the cheek and say - “enjoy yourself...” if she meets some one that she wants to go home with... shrug it off... she can be replaced... and if you radiate that kind of confidence she wont go looking or even think of disappointing you, it will be you that she will be keeping an eye on to keep other women away from... you are a good catch and she knows it... you are the man she wants... she knows it and you know it... and if she finds some one better - who cares... move on to the next one - Don’t worry about what others think, don’t worry about what others say... these people are not important... they don’t pay your bills... they don’t feed you nor do they clothe you and keep you in comfortable accommodations... so, fuck them... they are no one to be worried about... you have your own life... your own dreams... your own aspirations... you and only you know what it is that you truly want out of life and you and only you know what you have to do to get it... only you know what happiness to you means and only you know how to make it happen...

 7.  Have a purpose - and pursue it with passion.  Give your life purpose and meaning - find something to be passionate about and dedicate yourself to doing that thing as best as you can whether it is your hobby or career... even if it is just learning something new - throw yourself into it with passion and when you speak of the things that you like - speak of then passionately, with enthusiasm and emotion... without apologies... women love passionate men and know that men who are passionate about something will be the best at it... this is where your happiness will come from... from the things that you are passionate about.... you know that you would find happiness doing these things with or with out a woman at your side... these things have nothing to do with women they are what helps to define you  - this is your life... women are not your life... pursue your dreams and your goals and women will be more attracted to you - don’t worry about failure - the most successful of men are the ones that failed the most - but don’t worry about what others say if you fail at a thing... they are no one remember... you are chasing your happiness... you will find that the quality of women will improve once you put a purpose to your life... this gives you greater value as a prospective lover to women... it increases your status and the higher your status the better quality women... this is why men in uniform get lots of attention... they have a purpose... make a suit and tie your uniform and give your self a purpose... or make a hammer and chisel your tools and create something with passion...

 8.  Do not seek approval - do not brag or try to impress anyone - especially women... do not talk about yourself, your achievements or your money... talk about her, get her to talk about her, get her to try to sell her to you - why should you be interested in her? Why should you want to take her out? You do not seek her approval - by trying to impress someone with your material possessions or your status you are looking for approval... your status should be understood... your success will be obvious... you are not needy of anything or anybody...  Men who seek approval from women are viewed as week men... do not buy her gifts or treat her out on dates unless she has earned it! She must find your approval... she must please you... she has to work hard for your attention and affections... she is not in control... you are... and you do not need approval from anyone -

 9.  Keep it simple - simple and to the point... say what you mean and mean what you say... keep a clean house and keep a clean mind... and keep a clean body... seek ye the truth and the truth shall set you free... Respect yourself and she’ll respect you too... Think positive, act positive, be positive... stop thinking that women are important... don’t play games - be a man... look like a man, dress like a man and act like a man...

10. The game - that is what this is - a game, and women created it a long time ago... learn to play their game and turn it on them - “for everything there is a formula...” my mentor Charles Martin would tell us... “learn the formula and you will succeed... at what ever it is you want to do...”

He was right - there is a formula for everything... the formula for getting women in the west is pretty tricky but the best way I can tell you to learn it is to go down to the drugstore and buy four or five romance novels and (if you can stomach it) read them one after another and take notes - this is what you will find - they are all the same book - with the same hero and the woman and the way it progresses is always the same... learn this formula - remember I said there was a formula for writing a movies script - I will write that down soon - Here’s the romance novel formula that women want so much in their real lives... believe it or not...

The man is a rogue
She wants him but she wants her independence as well
She wants him
He wants her
She needs a hero
He becomes her hero
He takes her
She resists
He overcomes
She is swept away
She is rescued from her passionless life...

After reading enough of these books and figuring out what women want you will be that man - because he is always the same man - in every book... and you can start a new career writing romance novels...

Here is the sad part - this game is mainly played by western women... in Eastern Europe and Asia and Latin America... all you have to do is be a gentlemen... in the west women do not want gentle men...

If you are lucky enough to find a woman who will help you to become the man you are destined to be - keep her...

These are lessons learned the hard way...



* What you believe will become your reality - the subconscious mind is a computer - it will supply the results of the information it has received - like land it will bring forth that which has been planted into it... your personality and your behavior... your actions and reactions are all a product of what is in your subconscious.  This is how and why affirmations work - by repeating them as often as possible they get planted deep with in the human subconscious where they will become your beliefs... once something gets trapped in your subconscious it will become part of you - it will define you.  If you believe you are the kind of man who is attractive to women, then you will find yourself displaying attractive behavior naturally... this is also important in chasing your dreams - setting goals. By setting goals you are creating a map to achieving you dreams... when you accomplish a goal you are affirming to yourself that you can achieve something... when you achieve one goal you have created confidence within yourself to accomplish another - what you are doing is creating confidence... confidence creates success which creates confidence to create more success... half of the trick is knowing what it is that you want... know absolutely what it is that you want... money is not what you want - it is the things you want to buy with the money that you want... women are not what you want... it is the feeling you get when you are with the woman that loves you and that you love that you want... Once you know what it is that you want then you must believe that you can, will, and do deserve to get it... and you will get it - your subconscious mind will always create your reality... once it has become a belief... if you believe you are important you will act important and people will treat you like you are important.  If you believe you are successful, then you will begin to act successful and people will treat you as if you were successful... if you believe you are the greatest lover in the world, then you will begin to behave the way the greatest lover in the world would behave... and people will begin to treat you as they would treat the greatest lover in the world...

Advice to young women -

Dress like a whore... and act like a whore... and you will be treated like a whore...
Dress like a lady... and act like a lady... and you will be treated like a lady...

This is how real men think... any man who tells you other wise is telling you what you want to hear because they think it will win your favors... or they are gay...

I plan on planning ahead...

I plan to care less about the world and care more about myself...

I plan to invest more in myself and less in the markets of the world...

I plan to build my farm - though I might not spent more than six months there.. because...

I plan to travel more, to explore more... to get lost more...

I plan on buying that boat... and I plan to return to the sea...

I plan on being more creative... more artistic... more philosophical...

I plan on helping others reach their spiritual goals... but only if they ask...

I plan on submitting my writings to others... this will be a first in a long, long time... and I plan on using my real name this time around...

I plan on cleaning out the Deringer Files and making more sense of it all... but I think I have said this before...

I plan to spend more time in nature... in the mountains... near the shore... canoeing down mysterious rivers...

I plan on taking a long journey... perhaps a long railway adventure on the Trans Siberian Express... or a motor-cycle tour in search of the Japan that only exists in my dreams...

I plan on sharing more of my writings on the Deringer Files - I actually write every night... but no one reads any of it but me... it is after all why I started that damn thing...

I plan on spending more time on my own... I need a break from women... This is my mid-life crisis...

I plan on accepting what is as what it is and forgiving what was and was not and letting go of what could have been for what it is I really want...

I might just plan on letting what happens happen as it happens... if things don’t turn out the way I planned them... after all... there might not be a tomorrow...

I plan on being more like him

Grandpa...

she comes and she goes...

She was gone this morning...

She left with all her things and left behind a cold bed and a note that simply said “You are the only one that made me feel beautiful”.

Women have always told me that... and yet... they need more than I am willing to give them... or they just want some one other than me.

Either way - I don’t care.

I don’t.

I did not love her and she always knew that - and perhaps it was that she was falling in love and felt that this relationship wasn’t going to go any-where... but... I’m not sure...

I don’t even know were it was going, but I was willing to find out.  Relationships take time to develop - at least strong ones do... so I imagine.  I have not actually been in a long, serious relationship in quite some time - I think Rebecca and I were together for a year before she called it quits - and I have actually been averaging 3 - 4 relationships per year for the last five or six years... I’m fine with it - women don’t know what they want - they make irrational decisions based on whatever goofy emotion is rolling around in your head at the moment you make them - and though there is some strange logic to whatever it is that you’re after and how you go about pursuing it... I wont even try to figure it out... Of all the women I have ever been with that ended up marrying - not a single one of them married for love - and I know this for a fact.

Anita - I met through her daughter in Waukegan.  The first night we actually had a conversation she had just found out that the man she was involved with was seeing another woman... a week later Anita was mine... I wasn’t looking for any type of relationship at the time as I was already juggling three women then... but she and I got along very well and something about us just clicked.  Anita’s friends would often remark on the change in her since she had been with me and wanted to know what I had done to their friend - she had become stronger and more confident but much more feminine and womanly in her behavior... Anita’s sister in law had remarked that Anita always talked about how I “wined and dined her” which she was not used to - I replied “she behaves... I reward...” which got me called a nasty name... One night Anita told me that she felt like she was just my whore... when I finally got her to tell me why she felt this way it turned out that she was just feeling confused.  According to her I was only the third man she had ever had a relationship with, but it seems that it was the most passionate one she had known thus far, she married young - I suspect because she was pregnant, she confided in me that she did not love her husband and divorced after years of not being happy - but then she ended up in a relationship with a man that has been cheating on her - I told her that if he did it once he will do it over and over and more than likely from all she told me he has probably been seeing other women for a while... I was honest with her about how men think - I had nothing to hide from her - she knew I was seeing other women when we started seeing each other but that came to a stop a week into our relationship - I even offered Anita a key to my Apartment - A first since Veronica.  I assured her that she was not my whore... She came when she wanted and left as she pleased... I was  way too busy  at that time and I preferred to spend my time away from the Restaurant in solitude - alone - that is until Anita came along  - but she had responsibilities and obligations of her own so our time together was limited... so... we wasted no time and got straight down to making love... resting only to reward her with "the wining and the dining”.   Things were going good - there were no problems in our arrangement.  We never argued.  We discussed nothing from our personal lives that did not pertain to our relationship... we would spend Sundays in bed and even thought about leaving for Paris together... we would eat in bed and look at apartments to rent over the internet... she would rub my back and ask me questions about men, the world and my past and accuse me of making it all up... if she did not like my answers... she would lay her head on my chest as I read her my favorite books and would make hurried frantic love to me before she returned to her world...

Anita told me that I was the only man that ever made her feel like a real woman...

Anita married the man she was involved with before me - the one that was cheating on her... It was actually her daughter that informed me of this - the daughter that had introduced us - Anita and I carried on our affair for about a month and a half after she had married until I told her I could no longer go on with this relationship... I had begun to have feelings for her but I would not allow myself to be made a fool of again by another woman... nor would I be humiliated again... perhaps the last night we were together I did make her feel like a whore... The last time I saw Anita, I was closing out the register of the dining room and she was arguing with her husband in the foyer  about how badly his family treated her... not too long after that I packed up and left for Albuquerque...

Here is the thing kids, I am just a bit of a jerk when it comes to women... I didn’t create this game... women did... Perhaps I should give thanks to a woman named Elsa... or blame her... but all the mistakes I ever made with her - I have made damn sure not to ever repeat with another... and though woman don’t know what they want, there is one thing that is for certain, they want a man with confidence... and I got mine from the humiliation I went through with Elsa... I wont get into all that right now but lets just say.. I put up with it because I was a pussy... I don’t know if she knew what she was doing at the time she was doing it or not, but... it shocks me that relationship went on for as long as it did - six years of on again off again chaos... but after going through the humiliation... what the fuck do you have to loose? Not a God damn thing kids... not a God damn thing! And it made me just a little bit of a jerk - that women in the west like so much... now, I don’t go full out and treat women like crap... but I don’t put up with their shit and wont play their games - I’ve made women sleep on the floor and thrown them out just for saying something stupid... I have thrown women out after getting them naked and finding out that they have tattoos... good looking women too... but I don’t like tattoos on women, so they had to go... you don’t know how much pussy comes your way when you throw away beautiful women... they just appear out of  no-where... when women see you with a beautiful woman... the next one will just be better looking... and so will the one after her... and they get younger as well... I once thought that I couldn’t live with out Elsa... but it turns out that I could... and women just come and go... they only get better - sometimes a crazy one will come along... but for the most part... they get better... and I have always tried to leave them in better shape than when I found them - for the next guy... but sometimes it doesn’t work out... and I have also learned in all these years that really beautiful women - physically beautiful women, have the worst personalities... I try not to get involved with a woman that is over a seven on my rate scale... but once in a while I will bag that 10 or 11...

Elena... she was a 10+... but I never told her she was beautiful... I never tell women they are beautiful... and I don’t give them poetry... these are just for you...

After our night out with her friends  - the night of the incident... I had made it perfectly clear that if she wants to be my woman - she better act like she is my woman... She cooked for me and she cleaned for me and she ironed for me... in all the time Elsa and I were together I can count the times she cooked for me on one hand... in fact the thing that sticks out in my head is one morning in Lubbock, Texas that I stayed the night at her place and she told me to wake up and eat at once because she was not going to cook again for me if I sleep in... I was a pussy and I did as she said... since her, I have never expected a women to do anything womanly for me... they have just been around for fucking... very few women in my life in the last sixteen years have ever cooked and cleaned and ironed for me... they were my women... and I will carry the memory of them fondly and lovingly with me until the day I die...

I don’t know why Elena decided to leave... and I don’t care... she has her reasons... her logic... good luck to you, Elena... you can’t come back... you know that... we can only go forward... they come and they go, kids... I don’t care...

And that is the secret to getting laid in the west... don’t worry about the women - chase your passions and make something with your life and let them know that you do not need a woman to make you happy... and they will start chasing you... and if your woman gives you problems... let her know without words that you know - she can be replaced...

This post might piss off some people... but I don’t care...

These are the Deringer files...

Ophelia

study

ink on paper