Friday, March 15, 2013

until...

It felt like falling...

It was worse than those dreams you get... about falling... that startle you to wake...

It felt longer and darker... and  I  wasn’t waking up...

I was falling...

And nobody was going to catch me... not an angel... no devil there to collect payment for my debts... and not Veronica...

And not Veronica...

I couldn’t walk down the street of her city without feeling like my heart would burst... I had to stop often near the places we used to call our own to catch my breath and keep my balance... I was falling apart... I was going to fall back into the abyss... and I was quite ready to let it happen... sweet angel... why would you not let it happen...

I had received an e-mail from Diana - yes... Diana... for a couple of days we carried on a conversation over the internet and tried to catch up... something I did not really want to do... but I amused her... and she... fed my ego as she always did... She found out through Beatrice - Elena’s sister that I was back in Juarez and that I was involved with Elena... but of course... Elena has left... through this God cursed internet she found the Deringer Files... after all these years... she found me... she seemed... well... not mad at me at all... I fear that one day all I will be doing is apologizing to all the women I have hurt... apologizing over e-mail...

I let her know that I would be in Chile for my birthday - inspecting the property - and that we could get together in Santiago if she would like... though I knew it was a bad idea... I went to Santiago... and arrived early to where we agreed to meet... she did not show up... I waited for an hour... and left... not surprised and not disappointed one bit... I was... in-fact... indifferent... I know she will read this... so it will come as no surprise... what we had was over long ago and there really was no point in trying to get re-acquainted... was there...

I knew my old friend Cristobal was in Ciudad del Este, in Paraguay... but that too was a bad idea... because first I was going to Asuncion  - and that city tears me apart... it breaks my heart and shreds my soul... it was Veronicas city... and though I stay a thousand miles away and calculate magic formulas to resurrect the ghost of her that seems to want to abandon me these days... though I stay away from this little kingdom of hers trapped in time - in my fortress of misplaced melodies and crumbling walls of unfinished poems... writing ballads and sonnets and love letters to the memory of her... to charm out of the loneliness of the night the shadow of her.. Far away from here where I spy the skies for falling angels with wings that need mending in exchange for a simple whiff of her... the sounds and smells of her breath... I remember her skin had  that smoking scent that some french soaps have... and her hair... always filled our apartment with the smell of spices from the market.. A smell that has followed my from child hood... and it was on her... and has stayed trapped in the grip of my fingers since the night she passed away... it does not let me go... or I can not let it go... and I can’t wash it away... and I can’t wish it away...

And I don’t want to...

I am in love with a ghost... I am spellbound by a memory... I am cursed by scents that haunt my nights... like the voice of my father... singing love songs in the night... to what passing angels  happen by... I sing... and I whisper... and I hold on to this pain... and every time I think I am over it... every time...

My old business partner Frankie said - “get out of here... before that old dragon finds you again...  You don’t have to come back to find her...”

Remember in the movie “Rocky” - Rocky says to... I think he was talking to Pauley... She’s got gaps... and I’ve got gaps... and together we fill the gaps...

That is what Veronica was to me... well... she was more than that... we found each other when we both needed each other... and we did fill the gaps... she needed some one to give her love to and I needed to become a man... I let her give me her love and she... let me be her man... she made me a man... she showed me what love could be... and showed me that I could love... though I did not know that what I was giving was love back then... I learned what love is... that...

Was along time ago...

And though I say I don’t need anybody or anything to fulfill my life or to make me happy...

I have... a very big gap...

This song is “until”, the “B - side” to the 45 of “Tragedy” by the Bee Gees... I have had that record since I was a boy... and it is something I have carried with me around the world... in the dark lonely halls of my mind... I cannot listen to it with out thinking of her.. And I can’t stay in Asuncion with out falling apart...

I made my way to Ciudad del Este... and lost myself in the chaos and the smells of the market...

until...
video
a Steven Meisel shoot
DERINGERPHILED

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