Thursday, January 19, 2012

without you...

this is not a love letter
Did you find me by accident... or have you been looking for a while... was it some mistake that brought you here or did some old friend give away my secret... some old friend? I have no old friends - so whatever the people I once knew have told you about me... I will guarantee it is not the whole story... but perhaps you will take whatever story you can get - as you will ever only get half a story if any story at all... and from me... well, my side of the story has been re-arranged so many times I don’t even know the truth any more... But what is it that you are looking for? Why have you come back... to read poems you’ve read over and over... and over again... are you hoping for something new... something that might help you get through the night... were you hoping to perhaps read that I am a wreck without you and that I just cannot go on... with out you... I have moved on... but if you must know... it was not an easy thing to do... you wore me out... you took too much out of me... too much emotion... too many dreams... too many hopes... and too much time that went absolutely no where... I am sorry for only two things - that I was never able to show you that you were all I ever wanted... just to be alone with you - was all I ever wanted... and I am sorry that I never knew what it was that you wanted from me... I would have liked for you to have been the one that got the absolute best of me... the one that helped me to reach my destiny... but... many times you showed me that you did not need me... you did not believe me - or in me - and so, I did keep many things from you... not bad things, just personal things - but I kept things from all those people I called my friends that all ended up betraying my trust... so if you must believe their side of the story - go ahead - I will not waste my time with my side of the story... it is after all - mine. I know I was the one that left - I left you... I just couldn’t go on with you anymore... I stopped trusting you a long time before that... I have learned to go with my feelings... I held on to you because I thought I could not get any better than you... It took me a long time to learn that I could - in fact, I have thrown away better women than you... and unfortunately I had to sleep with too many women before I could let go of the last traces of your memory... I needed all those women... I had lost my confidence... I lost myself respect... my dignity... my pride... I gave up... I just gave up... all I wanted to do was stick my face into a brick of cocain and drink all night and day... and fuck... every woman I could find... and I did...

There... I said it...

But... These things I needed... these things, believe it or not, helped make me who and what I am now... There was a time in Chicago when I lived in my car and times in other countries when I had no place to sleep... no money and no friend... I needed this... It made me stronger... it made me smarter... it helped me to find out just what I am made of... it built my character and taught me to be grateful for the kindness of strangers... and for the little things I had left... I am not the man you knew... nothing about me is the person you once knew - my name is not even the same... I don’t even know if you knew what my real name was... it is the name I use now - it is who I am - I am who I am meant to be - and I have learned and accepted that you were not meant to be part of this life - though, I would have liked it very much if you could have been...

I have never told any woman other than you that I love her... even the ones I have felt love for... I never told Veronica I loved her... and she is the woman that taught me what love is... but I did not learn that lesson until after she had died... and for all the things she taught me and all the love she tried to give me... and all the tears she shed for me and because of me... and all that she shared with me... and tried to show me about life and love and GOD... I never thanked her... even when I knew she would not be around for long... I never thanked her... and I never told her I loved her... it was not until I arrived from the hospital alone to an empty apartment that I realized... what I gave her was love... the love I had left inside of me... was all that I had to give her... and she took it... and she brought out the best of me... dreams I thought I had lost and forgotten... words I had abandoned... she saved me... she gave me reasons to do the things I did - she was my reason... but I did not know it until she was gone... I have charmed some of the loveliest women in the world... I have kissed all the lips I have set out to kiss... I have been with models and actresses and dancers... I have been with very accomplished women and I have been with whores... I have been with women I could have spent the rest of my life with... I have given some women more than I ever gave you... more than I ever could, I think... I have been given more from some women than you could have ever given me... I have abandoned women that changed their lives for me... and women that would have killed for me... and I never told a single one of them that I loved her... but all the women since Veronica got more passion than I ever gave to you... I had to, you see, I made a promise... and of all the promises I made to Veronica... to live and love like there is no tomorrow is one I have tried not to break... I haven’t always been a good man... nor have I always been kind... but I have lived and loved with passion... I have written words that I left behind in hotel rooms and bars around the world that I will never find again... like the moments of love and kisses that got lost in the chaos of my mind... but all these things were filled with passion... all those moments will be what I will be remembered for by many...

It is strange now to think that I let my world fall apart because of you - It is strange that it was Veronica that pulled me out of the abyss... The life we live is the result of the choices and decisions that we make... I made my choice when I left you... I made the decision to leave you... I have lived with that, I have accepted that, I am actually glad now for that... My life without you has been pretty awesome... sure, I would have like to have avoided certain wars... the homelessness I could have done without and most of the women were unnecessary... and the drugs and booze were a waist of time and money... but I wouldn’t change a thing... I would not have met Veronica... she would not have saved me...she would not have taught me all that she did... I would not be the man I am today... though I am still a work in progress... I am becoming the man I am meant to be... but there is no room for you in this life of mine... no room for you in my memories and in my dreams... I made my choice... and you made yours... so go to the life you live without me... and I will live the life I live without you... I am sorry for any promises that I made you that I could not keep... but I made a promise to another... and even though she is not here anymore... I have to keep moving until I get to where she wanted me to be... I have gotten so far without her... and even further I have gone... without you...

1 comment:

deborahann15 said...

You've given girls a fake name?! I've given a fake phone number. I used to know the number to the local zoo.

I've always used my real name--never a fake one. I have never requested that someone even call me by a nickname other than "Deborah" but people do. I find it interesting the people who automatically assume a nickname for me. You called me "Debs."
Many people call me Debbie. Some call me Deb.

A doctor one time asked me what my name was and I told him--Deborah.
He said, "Then why do some people call you Debbie?" I told him that they just do. I said it didn't bother me if someone called me by a nickname. He said it should because my name was my identity.

And, literally I've thought about copying some of my entries from here--my blog within a blog. I'm gonna try it. I think I've written some good stuff. I know, I know--that's my opinion.