Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Damaged...

“I’m damaged...” I said to her...

She ran her fingers through my hair and kissed the back of my neck...  “I know...” she whispered...

“I got demons chasing me... and the phantom shadows of the words I never got to say to another haunt me...” I take a drink of scotch... and  breath out... the way you breath out the fog of the reefer... “I’ll go for days without eating or sleeping or speaking... and some nights I’ll stay awake staring into the darkness... when my brain can’t take any more I’ll collapse and sleep for a couple of days...”

“I have noticed this...”

Her kisses move to my shoulders...

"I will leave on short notice sometimes and never give you an explanation... and will never answer your enquiries... about my whereabouts and what I have been doing... you will just have to trust me... or ignore my absence...” I drink... her hands are on my chest... her legs wrapped around me from behind... I sit at the edge of the bed and she keeps me from falling...

“Are you trying to chase me away?” she asks... she stops kissing me and I feel her cheek against my back...

“I think you have already decided on what it is that you want from me...”

“What do you think I want from you...”

I drink... “this...”

She laughs... “this?”

“This... this is what you wanted... this is what you get...”

“I don’t understand...”

I look into my glass and see that I have one last swallow... I stare at it for a while... the amber glows and shines as the light bounces off it...  And reflects back onto itself in its cradle... I rock it gently back and forth the way I imagine angels play with the early morning light... It didn't take me too long  to close her and get her in my bed... not too long at all... she was a virgin... twenty years old... small, fair skin... long black hair... brown eyes and full lips... not long at all... I wasn’t even gaming her... when we first met... when we first locked eyes on each other... I knew she would be mine and even though she denies it... she knew it too... and I knew... this night was coming... this conversation... I knew then... and... she did too... I did not seduce her... I did not play games with her and I never gave her any come on lines... for the first time in a very long time... I let this one unfold by itself... and she chased me... she charmed  me and seduced me and trapped me... in her stare... in her legs... in her delicate youthful embrace... “This moment... baby doll... this moment...”

She thought for a while...
“This is what I wanted... This is...” she lets out a sigh... and I feel it rise up my spine and gets lost in my hair... “sometimes... daddy... it feels like my heart is breaking...”  - she calls me daddy... and papito...

“Why...” I look into my scotch... not too sure I really want to know why...

“I have never been with a man before... I don’t want you to hurt me...”

“I don’t want to hurt you... I would never mean to do that... I want to give you pleasure... “

She giggles... “sometimes the pleasure is a little rough...”

“You like it...”

She giggles...  “am I a bad girl...”

“You are not here with my... because I wanted a bad girl... but... by the time I am through with you... you’ll be just as damaged as I am...”

She laughs... and then stays silent for a long time before she speaks again...

“You are my first boy friend... my first relationship... the one I will compare all others too...”

“Those poor dumb bastards...”

She giggles - I like a girl that giggles...

I offer her the last of the scotch... she reaches around to grab it...

“Oh yea...” I whisper... “by the time the next one comes along... you will be damaged... too”

2 comments:

Chef E said...

the editor in me...

I've got demons in me...

I forgot to tell you we were not getting as much art and photography due to the sites we were listed on (and my failure to do my social media duties due to writing so damn much) began charging for their services, but now we have gotten a load in, but I sent it to Michael. Wasn't sure what you were doing these days since I also failed in my emailing the mysterious Dash...

deborahflorence said...

Damaged--terrible word; used--another terrible word. Why does it have to be this way?! Here's the 19 yr old virgin again which is not inconceivable by the way. I was a virgin at 19, 20, 21. I am not damaged. I am loved and adored. some women never figure it out. I hope she's not one of them.