eMi says “there is no tomorrow...”
Perhaps she is right and this has just been one long day. One long train ride to the edge of hell and back... a long climb up the mountain to reach the steps to Heaven only to stumble and tumble back down to the salt pit... Perhaps there is no tomorrow... and I have been drifting in and out of reality for so long as I claw my way through the diamond mine, in a sweet day dream of my own design, that I have forgotten the life that waits for me beyond the corridors of my mind... Perhaps there is no tomorrow... and these words... well, they just might be the last words that I write... so allow me to say the words I never got a chance to say... to Edith - I wish I could have made you laugh more. I hope that you are well and have learned to enjoy the moments of your solitude... I know your heart was breaking when I found you - but laughter has never been the same without you... to Alicia - I always only wanted your body... you are insane... but so was I... and the only time we could make any sense out of our relationship was in bed... to Anita - I will finally answer the question that you asked so long ago - it was only when you would leave me to go back to him that I felt alone... to Kelly - when I said “you make me want to do stupid things...” I meant it... I would have gone away with you... anywhere... just with you... I don’t know what held me back... do you know what held you back... to Diana - you were worth the wait, my dear... you were worth the wait... but I just couldn’t wait anymore wondering what in the hell you truly wanted from me... to Laura - you have to admit... ours was indeed a scandalous affair... and if I could... I would do it all over again with you... to Gloria - I sat at the back of the room as you read my first published piece from the school paper in front of the class... your emotions and your tears helped put my life in focus... when you finished you were a wreck... I have worked very hard to capture that moment again... you will never know how you helped to form this man - thank you... to Carmen - I’m sorry... I was a fool... I never meant to hurt you... know that I have suffered in return for the pain I caused you... I miss you... I burn for you... I would kick Satan in the balls for you... I would steal an angels wings to get back to you... and give the very best of me to you... to Amanda - yes... from Bombay to Boston - I have left behind sweet words for you... you will never know how you still inspire... to Rebecca - the life we live is a result of the choices we make... you made your choice... you decided on what it was you wanted... don’t look back... I’m not there anymore...and to Veronica - your kisses have been a curse... your tears - the crown of thorns wrapped around my heart... I have gone around the world but cannot escape the whispers you planted in my mind... I wake up some nights to the sound of your voice tickling my ear... I look in the mirror and see you standing behind me... crying... when I am at me desk I can feel the warmth of your breath on the back of my neck and your tears rolling down my shoulder... I can smell you on my skin... on the sheets I have slept on around the world... I can feel you laying next me, where you should be... the ghost of you lingers in my arms and in my dreams and rises in the steam from my morning shower... I can still feel your fingers stroking my hair... your teeth biting down on my chest... I remember the sound of your heart beat fading in and out... and the way you struggled to breath out a whisper... a half spoken word that got lost in the chaos of my mind when you slipped away from me... I have tried to be a good man... I have tried for you... to be the man you would have wanted me to be... the man I am meant to be... that the ghost of you would be proud of me... I have not always been good... I have not always been kind... and there have been many times that I wanted to just give up... but your reflection or your shadow and the sound of your voice are never too far behind me... to remind me... before you drifted away like a lonely ship lost at sea, I promised to live and love like there’s no tomorrow... but...
eMi says “there is no tomorrow...” - my dear sweet eMi - you are beautiful... if there is no tomorrow fill the day with your beauty... fill these hours that pass so slow with kind and gentle words... teach the world around you to enjoy more music... more literature... more art... in Spanish and English and French... in Japanese and Portuguese... do everything you do with passion... live with passion... love with passion... hold onto your friendships with passion... and if you must hate... hate with passion... but fill this world with your passion... if tonight is all we have... then write us all those poems you have been hiding from us... tell all those stories you have been waiting to tell... paint all the paintings and sing all your songs... give away all those kisses and be generous with your charms... be kind to strangers and hold those dear to you in your arms... if tomorrow never comes... if tomorrow never comes.
eMi says “there is no tomorrow...” but still... I will spend a few more hours speculating the worlds markets and scheming up ways to keep a little bit of what’s mine, mine...just in case the stars fade from the sky and I find myself saying hello to a new morning... but before I let that happen I will take Lorena in my arms and seduce her with the words I meant to give Amanda... I will give her the kisses I was saving for Carmen... and I will make love to her the way Veronica would want me to make love to her... like there is no tomorrow...
Perhaps she is right and this has just been one long day. One long train ride to the edge of hell and back... a long climb up the mountain to reach the steps to Heaven only to stumble and tumble back down to the salt pit... Perhaps there is no tomorrow... and I have been drifting in and out of reality for so long as I claw my way through the diamond mine, in a sweet day dream of my own design, that I have forgotten the life that waits for me beyond the corridors of my mind... Perhaps there is no tomorrow... and these words... well, they just might be the last words that I write... so allow me to say the words I never got a chance to say... to Edith - I wish I could have made you laugh more. I hope that you are well and have learned to enjoy the moments of your solitude... I know your heart was breaking when I found you - but laughter has never been the same without you... to Alicia - I always only wanted your body... you are insane... but so was I... and the only time we could make any sense out of our relationship was in bed... to Anita - I will finally answer the question that you asked so long ago - it was only when you would leave me to go back to him that I felt alone... to Kelly - when I said “you make me want to do stupid things...” I meant it... I would have gone away with you... anywhere... just with you... I don’t know what held me back... do you know what held you back... to Diana - you were worth the wait, my dear... you were worth the wait... but I just couldn’t wait anymore wondering what in the hell you truly wanted from me... to Laura - you have to admit... ours was indeed a scandalous affair... and if I could... I would do it all over again with you... to Gloria - I sat at the back of the room as you read my first published piece from the school paper in front of the class... your emotions and your tears helped put my life in focus... when you finished you were a wreck... I have worked very hard to capture that moment again... you will never know how you helped to form this man - thank you... to Carmen - I’m sorry... I was a fool... I never meant to hurt you... know that I have suffered in return for the pain I caused you... I miss you... I burn for you... I would kick Satan in the balls for you... I would steal an angels wings to get back to you... and give the very best of me to you... to Amanda - yes... from Bombay to Boston - I have left behind sweet words for you... you will never know how you still inspire... to Rebecca - the life we live is a result of the choices we make... you made your choice... you decided on what it was you wanted... don’t look back... I’m not there anymore...and to Veronica - your kisses have been a curse... your tears - the crown of thorns wrapped around my heart... I have gone around the world but cannot escape the whispers you planted in my mind... I wake up some nights to the sound of your voice tickling my ear... I look in the mirror and see you standing behind me... crying... when I am at me desk I can feel the warmth of your breath on the back of my neck and your tears rolling down my shoulder... I can smell you on my skin... on the sheets I have slept on around the world... I can feel you laying next me, where you should be... the ghost of you lingers in my arms and in my dreams and rises in the steam from my morning shower... I can still feel your fingers stroking my hair... your teeth biting down on my chest... I remember the sound of your heart beat fading in and out... and the way you struggled to breath out a whisper... a half spoken word that got lost in the chaos of my mind when you slipped away from me... I have tried to be a good man... I have tried for you... to be the man you would have wanted me to be... the man I am meant to be... that the ghost of you would be proud of me... I have not always been good... I have not always been kind... and there have been many times that I wanted to just give up... but your reflection or your shadow and the sound of your voice are never too far behind me... to remind me... before you drifted away like a lonely ship lost at sea, I promised to live and love like there’s no tomorrow... but...
eMi says “there is no tomorrow...” - my dear sweet eMi - you are beautiful... if there is no tomorrow fill the day with your beauty... fill these hours that pass so slow with kind and gentle words... teach the world around you to enjoy more music... more literature... more art... in Spanish and English and French... in Japanese and Portuguese... do everything you do with passion... live with passion... love with passion... hold onto your friendships with passion... and if you must hate... hate with passion... but fill this world with your passion... if tonight is all we have... then write us all those poems you have been hiding from us... tell all those stories you have been waiting to tell... paint all the paintings and sing all your songs... give away all those kisses and be generous with your charms... be kind to strangers and hold those dear to you in your arms... if tomorrow never comes... if tomorrow never comes.
eMi says “there is no tomorrow...” but still... I will spend a few more hours speculating the worlds markets and scheming up ways to keep a little bit of what’s mine, mine...just in case the stars fade from the sky and I find myself saying hello to a new morning... but before I let that happen I will take Lorena in my arms and seduce her with the words I meant to give Amanda... I will give her the kisses I was saving for Carmen... and I will make love to her the way Veronica would want me to make love to her... like there is no tomorrow...
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4 comments:
Dear Victor,
after reading this, there is no breath to breathe. What can I say? You said it all.
Tenderly,
eMi
(you helped me a lot, don't dare to say those words are the last ones you wrote )
If all the ghosts I cling to and the uninvited demons of the night were to abandon me... and I found myself falling into the abyss once more... then everything else I have left to write - I will only write for you...
By the way - I don't get the Darcy Reference - do you mean Darcy from Jane Austin? I don't get it...
If you had written that in an email directly to my mailbox, I wouldn't have believed you.
But you said it right here, so... I believe you.
And... I don't know how to help.
And I can't help wishing you fell into that scary abyss. I know I shouldn't be so egotist an selfish though.
By the way, Mr Darcy is the most attractive single man in literature. Yes, he is a fiction character created by Jane Austen. Have you seen my blog about her?
Tenderly,
eMi
eMi - this comment of yours has been stuck in my spam folder for the past year... I don't know why... and I just found it... and by the way... I meant what I said... and, I still don't get the Darcey reference...
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